Gimme an EWWWWWWW!!

Today, I was sitting up in front of the class posing some fractional problems. What is one half of 16, what is one fourth of 20, etc.

After a couple of these, I happened to notice that one of the girls in my class had a big binder with a couple of pictures on the covers. On one side, there was a team photo of the Dallas Cowboys. On the other side (what I like to call the GOOD side), there was a team photo of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

So nonchalantly, I asked the class for 1/6 of 84, and then I said while YOU look at THAT, I will look at THIS. And I picked up the binder.

As you would expect, the fraction of kids actually doing the problem after that was roughly 0/18. They all preferred to say in unison, "EWWWWWWWWWWW!”

Made me wonder if somebody had smelled some old strawberry milk…

But at first, I pretended not to notice that they weren't doing their work. I pretended to stare at the picture in rapture, moving it closer to my eyes than far away. Again, for some reason, this was met with a resounding, "EWWWWWWWW!!”

I jabbed with a finger at the picture a couple of times while saying, "I know her, I know her, yeah -- talk to her on the phone last night…”

This time, when I got the now- expected “EWWWWWWW!!” I asked, "Why are you EWWWW-ing about talking to someone on the phone?”

One of my kids blurted out, "and all the kissing and stuff…” in this really strained, hoarse voice, that sounded like someone having an especially difficult time on the toilet.

By this time, I was really warming to my audience, so I put a little word problem up on the board.

There are 84 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.
1/6 of them like Mister Teacher.
How many cheerleaders like me?

Inside my head, answer choices were:
A) 16
B) 14
C) 504
D) EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

And of course, all of the kids chose answer D.

I love math.

Alas, poor Pluto -- we knew you well

I started to read with the kids today at about the solar system from our science textbooks. I'm not sure how old these science textbooks are, but I know they're old enough to be outdated in terms of the current planetary lineup.

When we came across the sentence that said "there are nine planets in the solar system, including Earth," I had to stop for a second and explain why this was no longer the case.

All of the kids seemed dumbfounded that Pluto was no longer considered a planet. One student even blurted out, "Pluto got blowed up?"

No, it was more like being voted off the island. Maybe I should tell the kids that there was one big episode of Solar System Idol, and Pluto's performance just wasn't up to snuff. Some experts questioned its choice of "I Can't Go for That" by Hall and Oates, and the gold lame outfit really had people wondering. Here's what the judges had to say:

Randy: You rock, dawg! Really! You're a rock, and you're named after a Disney dawg!

Simon: That was really pathetic. You call yourself a planet -- but where's the warmth? I've seen more personality and spirit from an errant comet. Next you'll be claiming planethood for that so-called "moon" of yours.

Paula: Our mystic fathers joined together to drink from the river of the galaxy. I feel like the ultimate bingo winner in a high-stakes universe with multiple realities. Meet me in my dressing room.

And then, ultimately a big group of scientists banded together to kick Pluto to the curb.

I did tell the kids that one of the reasons for Pluto's exile was that it did not meet size requirements. It was just too small to be a planet. So one of the kids asked me, "So Pluto is so small it would fit in this room?" Um, noooo, not quite THAT small. "But it would fit inside the school, right?"

To them, small means a cat, and big means an elephant. Anything beyond that, and they have a very hard time comprehending. So telling them Pluto is small is kind of like telling them that Pinot Noir from 1857 is overrated -- they're just not going to grasp it.

But maybe that shouldn't be a problem, seeing as how Pluto is not on the approved list any longer...

It was the best of blogs, it was the worst of blogs

Hey, I just noticed that the best of blogs awards for 2007 has wrapped up. Congratulations to the winner, NYC Educator!

It was an honor just to be nominated. And a very special thank you to the 18 people who voted for me. I know that they can't ALL have been my mother...

These dudes are funny

I was surfing over to The Teacher's Blogboard this evening, and I saw this video, posted from a site called TeacherTube-- and educator's equivalent of YouTube. Check it out, because it is hilarious...

Here is the page -- look for the video in the center of the page.

Cleanup on aisle three

This past week was an incredibly long one. On Monday, I was already tired from a lack of sleep, and then it just so happened to be the last instructional day before the math TAKS, so there was that pressure of trying to squeeze in as much knowledge as possible around the cracks in my students' brains.

Tuesday, while my kids were scratching their heads and racking their brains for the test, I was in Ms. Five's fifth-grade classroom all day long, working with her kids, since they weren't taking a TAKS that day.

On Wednesday, eight fifth-graders came down to my classroom to take the reading TAKS retest, since they didn't pass the first time. Mrs. Educator also had eight students in her room. The third graders who hadn't passed the first time were taking the retest in other rooms down the hall. So Wednesday was a day of being on my feet all day long, doing nothing but watching the kids work on their tests.

On Thursday, I was back in Ms. Five's room to monitor her class while they took the science TAKS. They are a well behaved group, but it certainly made for another long day.

As long as my week was, it could have been a lot worse. Poor Mrs. Educator had a MUCH worse week in her classroom. Three days out of five this week, somebody barfed in her room.

One of our little girls had leg surgery a couple of weeks ago and came to school on Monday in a wheelchair. She also had some brand new medication that she needed to take; medication that apparently did not sit well with her. Sometime before nine o'clock on Monday morning, Mrs. Educator came over to tell me the news that her class had been evacuated due to massive hurling. Not a pretty thought.

On Wednesday, one of the fifth-graders taking the TAKS in her room clearly had a bad case of the nerves, and he spewed chunks all over his test booklet, desk, and the surrounding floor. She had to move her testing group into the vacant room next to mine. And if you happened to read my brother's comment on my last posting, he wasn't exaggerating about the procedure involved when a kid pukes on his test. In addition to cleaning up the mess in the room, someone had to come in and clean off the test booklet as much as possible, and secure the test booklet in a plastic baggie to be sent back down to Austin with the rest of the test materials. CSI-style, as Phin says. I guess they did everything except dust the vomit for prints.

On Friday, our sweet little ralfer from Monday returned to school, this time with a walker instead of a wheelchair. She took the TAKS in the morning with a couple of other kids that had missed test day, and she was with us in Mrs. Educator's room in the afternoon when we were having our popcorn party and watching Aladdin. She was actually sleeping in the back of the room. I was sitting in the back enjoying the antics of Genie, Carpet, and Abu when I suddenly heard a sound that made me think someone had knocked a drink over on the table. I looked over, only to see that poor little A had completed the hat trick for the week (the Vom-hat trick, if you will).

I can only hope that next week puts people back in better health. And barring that, that they continue to review their stomach contents somewhere OTHER than my room...

A massive cover-up

Since the math TAKS is tomorrow, I was scurrying around like a buzzing bee trying to cover up everything that needed to be covered up in my classroom. Normally, I would have to do the bulletin boards outside in the hallway as well, but I came to a mutually valuable agreement with my coworker, Mrs. Math. She would cover my bulletin boards if I would cover the number line in her room.

The reason that we are always given as to why we have to cover up all "text and numbers" in our rooms before the math test is so that the kids can't see anything that might help them or give them an unfair advantage with a problem on the test.

That got me thinking that perhaps I should send a letter to the Powers That Be expressing my room's unreadiness.

Dear District Personnel:

I began covering aspects of my room today, per instructions for TAKS administrations, but I have begun to realize how futile my efforts are. You see, if I am to remove all the visual aids that might unfairly help my kids during the test, it's not enough for me to merely place construction paper over my number line (so that the kids will not be able to look up and see what number comes after 42) or over my Word Wall (so that the kids will not be reminded of the proper spelling of the word "cylinder" -- even though any question relating to a cylinder will already have the word right there).

Verily, even covering up my Classroom Rules, which, granted, ARE mathematically numbered from one to five, or covering up my cursive alphabet strips (I guess so that kids will remember to PRINT their extra work, instead of handwriting it?) is not sufficient!

You see, there are many more things in the classroom environment that might help them on the test. For instance, a child may glance up from his/her exam and notice the shades on the windows. The shades can be pulled up or pulled down, and thinking about these options might remind the child of estimation, where they are required to round up and round down. These shades will need to be removed immediately. Also, the ceiling tiles in my classroom are square in shape AND are arranged in a geometric pattern. I would absolutely hate for a test monitor to enter my room and see how easily a student could be reminded of such topics by simply looking up. I would like to request that my ceiling be removed before the test tomorrow, or at the very least, that a large tarp is provided to cover the tiles.

My third graders go to lunch every day at the same time. They already know when lunch will be served, and they will be constantly thinking throughout the day about how much time they have left until lunch! Do you agree with me that this is a constant reminder of elapsed time? I suggest that no lunch is served on TAKS days, or if that is not possible, that the time to eat is chosen completely at random. Maybe they'll eat at 8:43, maybe they'll eat at 1:59. Oh, and we should also send the kids home at separate times; perhaps some sort of lottery system could be put into play?

Earlier in the year, when we talked about measurement and units of length, we associated each unit of length with a part of the body. An inch is about the length from the tip of the thumb to the first knuckle. A foot is about the length from the elbow to the wrist. I am sad to report that all of the children in my class this year are in possession of thumbs, elbows, and wrists, and this will undoubtedly assist these children in any measurement questions that might arise on the TAKS. I feel that the child's OWN body parts are acceptable help, but other children in the room will be unacceptable visual reminders. Therefore, we will need to administer the TAKS to each child separately, with no other human beings in the room.

Actually, it occurs to me that the classroom itself is a rectangular prism. What can we do about putting each child into an amorphous physical structure?

Thanks for taking all of these things into consideration. If you could have some answers back to me by tomorrow morning, I would greatly appreciate it. Otherwise, will have to implement these things next year.

Your loyal servant,

Mister Teacher

What an incredible smell you've discovered!

Continuing in my attempt to wrap up the actual PROJECT part of the kids' science projects before TAKS, three of my boys did their experiment today -- "Can you identify an object by its smell?"

To give them their due, these boys had brought in their materials several weeks ago. That fact will come into play later.

The project involves bringing in an unsuspecting test subject, blindfolding him or her, and then holding objects in front of that person's nose and asking them to identify the object by its smell.

The items that they chose to use were:

a bag of Hot Cheetos
a dirty sock
an old tennis shoe
a lime
a small thermos filled with strawberry milk

Sitting in my room for two weeks didn't much affect the cheetos, the sock, the shoe, or the lime. However, it didn't do too much good for the strawberry milk.

We wound up pretty much reenacting that old Saturday Night Live skit where one guy says, "YUUCCCKKKKKK!! This milk is rancid!!!" And his buddy says, "EWWWWW... Let me try!!"

All of the kids had to smell the milk, whether they were involved with the project or not. I even watched as one kid recoiled in disgust and then 30 seconds later shouted, "let me smell that again!"

And to answer the question that I know you're curious about:

Of COURSE I smelled the milk myself...

If a third grader falls in the forest...

Earlier this week, all of the kids in my homeroom helped out with one of the group's science projects. The project was titled, "Can you tell where sound is coming from if you're blindfolded?"

(Their original title was "Can you hear a sound when you're blindfolded?" but I convinced them that trying to pinpoint the direction might be a better idea."

The experiment involves having one person stand in the center of the room, wearing a blindfold, while one member of the experimenting group moved somewhere else in the room and tapped on a book's cover with a pencil. The blindfolded person was then supposed to point in the direction they thought the sound was coming from.

So I went first. I put the blindfold (an old headband really) over my eyes in the center of the room, and when I heard the tapping, I pointed to where I felt I was coming from. I was relieved to hear the boy say, "Yes."

Then one at a time, the other 14 kids not performing the experiment were blindfolded and subjected to the same rigor. One at a time, they all pointed in the correct direction.

Then the three kids who are doing the project took their turns. And one by one, all three of them pointed in the wrong direction when the tapping began. I'm not sure if they were just REALLY disappointed that no one had gotten it wrong so far and they wanted to spice up the data, or if they just have really poor hearing. But I think we can rest assured, if the world ever sees true superheroes, Daredevil will not be coming from this group of three...

Can I get a side of larceny with that?

Yesterday, I guess I was still sleepwalking after the four-day Easter holiday. I did something that I'm quite frankly ashamed to admit.

I'm not normally a kleptomaniac, and I really DO believe the commandment Thou shall not steal, but I actually walked out of the school cafeteria yesterday without paying for my lunch.

I didn't even realize what I had done until after lunch, and after recess, when I discovered that I still had the two dollars in my pocket. So I thought back to what had actually happened in the cafeteria...

I was watching my kids go through the lunch line, and the cafeteria lady asked what I'd like, and I got my tray from her with chicken nuggets and green beans. I continued to watch my kids go through the lunch line. Then I looked up at the clock and noticed it was past 11:30, so I headed out of the cafeteria. Sure enough, I never stopped to pay.

$1.75

For some people, a buck seventy-five wouldn't even register on their guilt-o-meter. They have to pilfer at LEAST $30 worth of stuff before they even felt a twinge of remorse. But I've always been the class nerd who stresses out if he owes a nickel for a day-late library book.

So I threw myself on the mercy of the cafeteria staff first thing this morning. And today at lunch, I made sure to pay for yesterday's AND today's meals.

I feel relatively confident that no charges will be pressed and that I will continue to live a free man.

And while we're on the subject of completely bone-headed moves, I pulled another doozy today.

It's something that, as a teacher, really needed to be done. But as a human being, I realized how utterly stupid I was being as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

My little girl who got suspended by the fifth-grade teachers last week has not come back to school. Her suspension is over, and she was supposed to be back yesterday. I happened to see her brother this afternoon. I asked him where his sister was and why she wasn't at school. He said something about her not being able to find her suspension note and not knowing if she could come back without it.

So, like the chicken nugget thieving fool that I am, I said, "Tell her she doesn't need that note -- she supposed to be at school."

D’OH!!!

So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid.

Maybe her brother will forget to mention it to her. Yeah, and maybe I'll forget to pay for my lunch again tomorrow…

Can we fix the thermostat or something???

Last week started off quite nicely. It was warm in the mornings, and nice and sunny for recess, and on Tuesday, it had even gotten up to the high 80s and in some places, low 90s!

The bluebonnets are out in full bloom, and one of these days, I will take a picture and post it on here.

So imagine my surprise to walk outside on Saturday and find it snowing. Sure, it was Texas snow, so it didn't actually hit the ground or accumulate anywhere (at least not in Arlington), but still -- snowflakes in the sky, IN APRIL???

Curse you and your inconvenient truth, Al Gore!!!

Bargain hunters

On Thursday, which was basically our Friday last week, one of the math tutors who works next door to me came over and told me a funny story.

She had been working on a word problem with some of my kids that read, "Mary went to the store and bought 2 pairs of shoes. Each pair of shoes cost $25. How much money did Mary spend at the store?"

One of my kids, A, leaned over to the tutor and said, "Mary should have gone to the Family Dollar store."

Another worthless (?) Mnemonic

OK, so maybe I'm just spinning my wheels here, but I tried another silly memory device out on the kids today.

First I asked who liked the movie Toy Story. Of course, everyone raised their hands (including me). So then I made sure that they knew who Buzz Lightyear was. Which they did.

Then I said, "And you remember that part in the movie where he shouts…

‘To the SYMMETRY and beyond!’

And then he hits the little red button on his chest, and his wings pop up, exactly the same on both sides, just like he has a line of symmetry?”

Of course the kids’ first reaction was to argue with me -- "THAT'S not what he says!!!”

But they still thought it was pretty funny and were repeating it a few times.

So during our after school tutoring session, I asked my kids if they could show Mrs. Educator our new way of remembering symmetry, what we could say, and nearly everyone of them busts out with, "May the fourths be with you!”

SHEESH!

I had to bite my tongue not to utter another Buzz Lightyear-ism—

“You are a sad, strange, little man, and you have my pity.”

One Shining Moment

Congratulations to the University of Florida for winning the national basketball championship and becoming the most recent team to repeat as back-to-back champions. But I'm not talking about THAT shining moment.

I'm talking about the Stephen King novel, The Shining. As in, I feel like chopping a hole in my classroom door with an axe and yelling, "HEEEEERRRRRRE’S JOHNNY!!!”

Today I administered the fifth-grade math TAKS. The eight kids that were in my classroom were very well behaved, and seemed to take the test seriously.

Meanwhile, my out-of-control third-graders continued to be out-of-control. Remember Forced Tears Girl from yesterday? This is a girl whom Mrs. Educator and I could write discipline referrals on any day we chose, but we usually let things slide. Yeah, her.

BOTH the fifth-grade teachers replacing Mrs. Educator and me wrote her up today. It's really saying something to have someone who has just met you be so upset at you. But somehow this girl manages. Just last week, she ticked off the visiting audiologist who was giving my class hearing checks. Apparently, A in my class was not raising her hand whenever she heard the beep. Things did not correlate the way they should. And the lady got very upset.

And she doesn't even have to deal with this girl every day!!

At least I know it's not just kids from my class. Two of the other third-grade teachers told me that they suspended two of THEIR kids today as well.

So over the course of a week, 4 third-graders have been suspended, with less than 10 school days left until our math TAKS.

What the HELL is going on here???

Jane, stop this crazy thing!

At what point exactly do you begin to think that your students might be out of control? Is it when you find headless chicken and other fowl scattered around your classroom? If so, then my class hasn't quite reached THAT point yet. Emphasis on "yet."

My partner, Mrs. Educator, took last Friday off. When she came back today, she discovered that her pencil sharpener had been ripped off of the shelf. This is one of those little crappy crank-driven sharpeners that mounts to any surface with four screws. The mount itself is still fastened to her shelf. Somehow, the kids actually tore the metal, snapping the body of the sharpener off of the mount.

Think goodness there weren't any poor defenseless chickens nearby to suffer the same fate!

And while we're on the topic of out-of-control -- when I went to pick my class up from the cafeteria today, I noticed that it was a much smaller group than I had delivered TO the cafeteria. Typically, I follow the “quantity in must match quantity out” rule of thumb, but there were five kids who had been taken to the Assistant Principal's office.

After recess, the Assistant Principal, Mrs. Senorita, came by to deliver the gang of five. It turns out that they had taken an empty Cheetos bag and started stuffing it with random food. Jell-O, milk, taco meat runoff, etc. And then they started passing it around. Maybe they were trying to create their own version of Cheese, I don't know.

But rather than just throwing the darn thing away, some of them started screaming loudly, which is just never a good thing to do in the cafeteria, or really inside anywhere.

When Mrs. Senorita came by with the kids, a couple of them were already crying. One of the girls in trouble, a girl who is ALWAYS involved when trouble is to be found, started blinking really hard, clearly trying to force herself to cry. I was tempted to say, "You might want to try plucking a leg hair or two,” but I really didn't want to encourage her.

And after spending about 15 minutes away from my class, out in the hall with the miscreants, I had about 30 minutes back in the room with the kids before I had to leave to go to a meeting about one of my other new kids. A meeting that lasted for the rest of the day.

Before I left, I told the TA who was watching my class that the kids should finish the last two problems on the page we were working on. After everyone was done, he could pick a few kids to go up to the board and show how they solved those two problems.

When I saw him later, at around 3:30, he told me that they had done that page and that it had taken them the entire day (a little over an hour from when I had left). Oh, and that Forced Tears Girl had refused to do anything, even resorting to lying on the floor and having a tantrum. Which I have to admit, really doesn't surprise me at all, coming from this girl.

But when I got back to my room, I pulled out all of the kids' folders, one at a time, and I looked at the page they were supposed to have done. Even after having over an hour to work on them, AND having had people solve these problems up on the board, there were still five kids who had not done those two problems! Thankfully, only one of those kids was also one of the cafeteria troublemakers (and I'm not even counting FTG).

But this just really ticks me off. A day of stupidity, and third-graders gone wild. Oh, and I never even mentioned the behavior of my Behavior Program Exchange Student.

Forget timeouts and losing recess... It's time to start taking field trips away.

The Best of Blogs, Take 2!

I wandered over to The Best of Blogs page again today, and I see that the voting is now live. I'm still not sure exactly why the blog that I nominated, Education in Texas, is not listed among the finalists, but it should be.

But I am very honored to have been nominated myself, so if you like this blog, Learn Me Good, please feel free to head on over to the voting page and cast your ballot for me! Just don't forget to completely punch out your chad...

Worst Assembly Ever!

We ended last week with a flurry of assemblies, at least that's the way it seemed. We had the "Cheese" assembly on Thursday, which actually went very well, thanks in large part to the third-grade teacher who presented. She kept the kids' attention, and I think she really got the point across.

On Friday, we had ANOTHER assembly, this time for a PTA fundraiser. And the difference between the two assemblies was like night and day. How to run an assembly and how NOT to run an assembly.

This lady on Friday actually started off her presentation by telling the kids how unprepared she was.

"I didn't know there would be so many people here, so I didn't bring a microphone."

Yeah, next you'll be telling us how you were out of deodorant and didn't have the time to go to the local Walgreens.

Then she attempted to make some joke, at least I assume she thought it was a joke because right afterwards, she followed it with, "I'm dying up here." We're not even a minute into her presentation, folks.

For the past three years, the fundraiser has been for the kids to sell World's Finest Chocolate. It was always the same guy who would come and talk to the kids about it, and he was a really good speaker. He would do really cheesy magic tricks, but they got the kids excited and kept their attention.

This lady was like the Anti-Chocolate. I think she had most of the kids wanting to try Cheese to pep themselves up after being bored to death.

After talking about selling coupon books (or something; I'm still not sure exactly what the kids are supposed to be doing), she made the fatal mistake of taking questions from the audience. Because once one or two kids get to ask questions, they ALL want to ask questions, or sometimes just say something that's on their mind.

"I was just going to tell you, I went to the store last night and I saw green toothpaste AND red toothpaste!"

OOOOOkay, and WHAT does that have to do with selling coupon books?!?

I'd really like to have those 30 minutes back, but alas, I know they are forever gone. Maybe next year, they'll bring back the magic chocolate guy, and Droopy can take some lessons from him...

Behold the power of cheese

Monday afternoon at our staff meeting (now weekly, for our pleasure!), a spokesperson for DISD came and talked to us about cheese.

I'm not talking about your typical individually-wrapped slices of processed Velveeta. This is "cheese," the new designer drug that is sweeping the halls of Dallas-area schools.

Cheese is a combination of black tar heroin and crushed Tylenol PM. Two great tastes that taste great together, right? I can practically see the Colombian drug lords sitting around their compounds, going about their business, when suddenly --

"Hey! You got your Tylenol PM in my black tar heroin!"
"Hey! You got your black tar heroin in my Tylenol PM!"

Cheese follows in the footsteps of last year's scare -- Pepto Bismol and liquid ecstasy (codename: Pickles). Rumor has it that a new threat is on the horizon -- a hybrid mixture of flour, methamphetamines, and oatmeal termed "Sesame Seed Bun."

I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would even want to go near a drug called "cheese," but then I could never understand the appeal of edible cheddar-flavored product you can spray from a can -- but look at the success of Cheez Whiz!

Apparently, cheese is sold in tiny increments called "bumps" which are then snorted, often with the ink straw from a ballpoint pen. Except in Plano, where they no doubt use rolled up hundred dollar bills. But we were also told that some kids hide a small amount in a Kleenex and then snort it while pretending to blow their nose. Often right at the front of the classroom! Since we were told that one of the symptoms of cheese is euphoria, I would advise everyone to be on guard against kids who get REALLY happy when they clear their sinuses.

So I've told you just about everything I know about the drug known as cheese. Yet we've been told that we teachers are responsible for leading presentations tomorrow to students about the drug's dangers. Logically, we would discuss this subject with our own home rooms, in our own classrooms so that we could ensure that everyone was listening, and so we could answer any questions.

Instead, we have to herd 2 classes at a time into the auditorium and do the talks there. So instead of 16-21 kids reasonably well behaved, we will have roughly 230 kids, closely spaced and much more interested in talking to kids they usually don't see. One teacher will read from the bulleted list that we received Monday (The Holy Grail) while the others try to maintain order.

And I can pretty much already predict that the result of all of this will be a few kids going home and telling their parents that they can't have macaroni and cheese anymore -- because it will kill them.

If only I knew a die-hard Green Bay Packers fan. I would be very tempted to wear the Cheese Head tomorrow...

Weed Whackers Anonymous

For the past couple of weeks, my lawn has looked like the background scenery in the movie Predator. Small animals were getting lost in the dense vegetation, and several of the weeds were taller than my third-grade students.

So on Saturday I was finally able to do something about it. I may not be able to convince some of my kids that subtracting makes your answer go down, but by golly, I proved that mowing will make weeds go down.

I set my lawnmower to the lowest possible setting and I scalped the crap out of that bad boy. I'd say the results speak for themselves.

Here is what my backyard looked like BEFORE Operation: Lawn Gnome...

If you look very closely at the following picture, you can actually see a troop of jungle-equipped Ewoks...

And now, the final results...

Tonight, I'll go out and fertilize it back to the Stone Age!

FINALLY!!!

Wow, what a relief to be back online!

As some of you may have noticed, I have not been able to blog since last week. It is at this point that I must admit that I am still a member of the dial-up community, and therefore dependent on my household phone line to access the Internet. Therefore, when my phone line gets screwed up, I can no longer access the Internet.

When I came home Friday evening, my phone line was still audible but it was filled with static. I WAS able to get online, but the speed was ridiculously slow. However, by Saturday, I had no Internet access, and picking up the telephone produced a sound like an angry beehive.

So when I called the good folks at AT&T (early Saturday afternoon), they informed me that they would be able to send someone out on Tuesday, between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. What expeditious service!!!

Apparently, the guy came out around noon today. So once again, I am able to blog.

Priority 1 -- research DSL plans...

Krazy Straws

Yesterday, one of the little girls in my class was tardy again. She is a very sweet, intelligent little girl, but she is chronically tardy. Often, when she is late, her older sister comes by my room to deliver the tardy slip from the office. Yesterday, the sister told me that they were late because their car had broken down.

So I asked my student if her mom had car problems in the morning a lot, since she is tardy so frequently. She replied, "The car wasn't broken, it's cuz my grandpa is really slow.”

She then added, "Also, it takes him a little while to start the car, because he has to blow into a straw before it will start.”

I have to admit that at this point, I was fighting to suppress a bout of the giggles. I knew exactly what she was talking about with the "straw." But apparently, so did she.

She continued, "It's to make sure that he isn't drinking?”

It's sad, I know I shouldn't be laughing internally. But it's just so unusual to hear thoughts and phrases like that coming from a third grader.

I wonder if she's ever looked for the straw in her Malibu Barbie Corvette.

Use the Quarts, Luke

Over Spring Break, I finished a library book called Prisoner of Trebekistan. It was a pretty enjoyable read, maybe more so because I am a huge Jeopardy fan. But in it, the author, Bob Harris, talks a lot about memory devices that he used while studying for the game show. His studying led him to the conclusion that things and events that make an outrageous or hilarious impression last the longest in memory. And it seems to have worked well for him.

So it really got me to thinking what sorts of humorous things I could do to try to leave a lasting mark in my students’ memories. In other words, how many times can I make a complete fool of myself in the name of mathematic academics?

Let's start the ticker today at one.

In the interest of learning more about liquid capacity, we have been doing a brief exercise every day where we add 1 cup of water to our steadily growing supply. After four days, we have 1 quart, and then we dump that quart into our gallon jar and start filling the quart jar once again.

So far for the month, we're up to 9 cups (which also equals 72 ounces, which also equals 41/2 pints, which also equals 2 1/4 quarts).

Today, I decided to be a Jedi. I took a quick poll and verified that all of my kids were familiar with Star Wars, and then doing my best Alec Guinness impersonation, I informed the kids that our new motto was going to be, "May the quarts be with you."

After we passed that mantra around a few times, I told them we could also say, "May the fourths be with you.” Then we went over how there were 4 cups in a quart, and 4 quarts in a gallon, not to mention the fact that there are 4 letters in the words Jedi, Star, and Wars.

The kids in my morning class seemed to enjoy this, whereas most of the kids in my afternoon class looked at me as though I had lost my mind. Oh well, all it takes is that one connection.

And besides, "Which one is the more foolish -- the fool, or the one who follows the fool?"

Maybe tomorrow I'll introduce them to a Jedi's major tool… the Pint-Saber.

Baby, baby

Break out the cee-gars, ladies and gents! As of last Tuesday, March 13, I have a brand new nephew, Joshua!

Joshua, blogging world.

Blogging world, Joshua.

Mother Buffy and Father Phin are doing fine as well. I expect Josh to be doing guest posts here on Learn Me Good within the year. He has really long fingers, so he will most likely be an excellent typist. And he'll also be able to grab the last pickle in the jar without fail.

Carnivals, brackets, and breaks, oh my!

Hey everyone, the 100th Carnival of Education is up and running over at The Education Wonks. Check it out, and do your part to stimulate the economy.

Also, today is the last day to get your March Mathness picks in before the tournament starts tomorrow. I just made my picks, and I am downright ashamed of whom I have picked to go all the way. But IMC Guy would be very happy. Actually, right now my biggest hope is that Duke doesn't lose in the first round to VCU.

And since I'm on Spring Break and basketball starts tomorrow, there will most likely be no more posts until next week. Enjoy the break!!

Oops! My bad!

A story in the paper the other day reported that almost 100 teachers in the Houston ISD were mistakenly paid bonuses which amounted in values ranging from $62.50 to $2,790.

The only thing I’ve ever been mistakenly given was the finger, but then maybe I should go to work in Houston. But these Houston teachers have now been given a very valuable experience. They’ve been given a bonus that they haven’t earned. So now they know what it feels like to be a US Congressman or a professional athlete!

The district is already demanding the money back from the affected teachers, telling them that they can have their amount deducted from one paycheck or spread out over 10. It makes me wonder just how quickly someone like Enron’s ex-president or Tyco’s ex-chairman would have been expected to pay it back…

Please help!

In just a few weeks, Borders Bookstores will be having their annual Educators Appreciation Week. This is a time when teachers, aides, faculty, etc get an automatic discount off of anything they buy.

This is also a great time for them to showcase new and existing books with an educational bent. You would be doing me a HUGE favor if you would call your local Borders (s) and ask them to stock and display Learn Me Good (Borders ID: 8560467). I have been using my Spring Break to call as many as I can, but I am just one person after all (even if I DO have the strength of ten men).

Thank you in advance for anyone who chooses to help!

Books, books, and more books

I believe this meme was started over at HuffEnglish, but I pulled it off of Lady Strathconn's site yesterday. The comments on some books were made by me, and I did add a book or two at the end. But feel free to use it yourself...

*Look at the list of books below.
*Bold the ones you’ve read.
*Italicize the ones you want to read.
*Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.
*If you are reading this, tag you’re it.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) -- read it, but I'm one of the few people I know who didn't like it.
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) -- don't know about OWEN Meany, but I remember BUGS Meany from Encyclopedia Brown.
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King) -- a fantastic novel; one of my favorites.
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) -- the original trilogy is hilarious; again, one of my favorites. Don't panic!
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) -- I know it was required reading in one of my high school classes, but I'm pretty sure I never read it.
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) -- it took me about four months, but I did finally make it through to the end.
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible -- not from cover to cover, sequentially, but I've read most of it at one time or another.
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) -- I read this in the second grade, under the agreement that once done, my parents would buy me a new bike.
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card) -- Why haven't they made a movie of this great novel yet??
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger) -- weird.
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) -- again, required reading in Senior high school English. But I read the Cliff's notes instead of the novel.
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) -- started to read it one time, and got bored out of my skull.
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo) -- LOVE the opera!
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) -- finally, a book on the high school required list that I actually read!
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth(Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce) -- I read A Portrait of the Young Man As an Artist, and was forever turned off to James Joyce.
101. Jurassic Park -- don't turn up your nose if you've only seen the movie. This book is outstanding.
102. Learn Me Good -- What can I say, I'm biased! But if you haven't read it, please put it on your list!

OK, so I guess I'm supposed to count the ones I've read now.
32. Only 10 less than The Answer-- to Life, the Universe, and Everything. (Which is another book I've read)

No Dentist Left Behind

I saw a really good "analogy" of NCLB over at Are We Doing Anything Today called No Dentist Left Behind. It makes a nice point. Check it out:

No Dentist Left Behind
My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget checkups He uses the latest techniques based on research. He never hurts me, and I've got all my teeth.
When I ran into him the other day, I was eager to see if he'd heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.
"Did you hear about the new state program to measure effectiveness of dentists with their young patients?" I said.
"No," he said. He didn't seem too thrilled. "How will they do that?"
"It's quite simple," I said. "They will just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10, 14, and 18 and average that to determine a dentist's rating. Dentists will be rated as excellent, good, average, below average, and unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best dentists. The plan will also encourage the less effective dentists to get better," I said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to practice."
"That's terrible," he said.
"What? That's not a good attitude," I said. "Don't you think we should try to improve children's dental health in this state?"
"Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who is practicing good dentistry." "Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."
"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists don't all work with the same clientele, and that much depends on things we can't control? For example, I work in a rural area with a high percentage of patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues work in upper middle-class neighborhoods. Many of the parents I work with don't bring their children to see me until there is some kind of problem, and I don't get to do much preventive work. Also, many of the parents I serve let their kids eat way too much candy from an early age, unlike more educated parents who understand the relationship between sugar and decay. To top it all off, so many of my clients have well waterwhich is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how much difference early use of fluoride can make?"
"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. "I can't believe that you, my dentist, would be so defensive. After all, you do a great job, and you needn't fear a little accountability."
"I am not being defensive!" he said. "My best patients are as good as anyone's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count is going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to work where I am needed most."
"Don't' get touchy," I said.
"Touchy?" he said. His face had turned red, and from the way he was clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage his teeth.
"Try furious! In a system like this, I will end up being rated average, below average, or worse. The few educated patients I have who see these ratings may believe this so-called rating is an actual measure of my ability and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me, and I'll be left with only the most needy patients. And my cavity average score will get even worse. On top of that, how will I attract good dental hygienists and other excellent dentists to my practice if it is labeled below average?"
"I think you are overreacting," I said. "'Complaining, excuse-making and stonewalling won't improve dental health'... I am quoting from a leading member of the DOC," I noted.
"What's the DOC?" he asked.
"It's the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of mostly lay persons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved"
"Spare me," he said, "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't buy it," he said hopefully. The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would you measure good dentistry?"
"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."
"That's too complicated, expensive and time-consuming," I said. "Cavities are the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line. It's an absolute measure."
"That's what I'm afraid my parents and prospective patients will think This can't be happening," he said despairingly.
"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you some."
"How?" he asked. "If you receive a poor rating, they'll send a dentist who is rated excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly.
"You mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele to show me how to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I have probably had much more experience? BIG HELP!"
"There you go again," I said. "You aren't acting professionally at all."
"You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools and teachers on an average score made on a test of children's progress with no regard to influences outside the school, the home, the community served and stuff like that. Why would they do something so unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to schools."
I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened.
"I'm going to write my representatives and senators," he said. "I'll use the school analogy. Surely they will see the point."
He walked off with that look of hope mixed with fear and suppressed anger that I, a teacher, see in the mirror so often lately.

Running without Scissors

Today was Field Day for the third grade -- or as we like to call it, Field Hour and a Half. Overall, it went pretty well. I think that it helped not having two of our newest little terrors present. They were suspended on Tuesday for fighting and biting each other.

All week long the kids have been asking me if I would race against them on Field Day. So I obliged today and made my yearly sprint. And I am proud to say that I'm still reigning champion. Of course, I learned my lessons from last year. Do NOT go in the Bouncy House before running a race. Do not give the kids a 20 foot head start. That might have worked when I was 32, but now that I'm 34, I need that edge. And most importantly, run ONE race. Last year, I ran several races and was dead tired by the end. So today, I waited till the very end and then said I would race against anyone from my two classes who so desired. I think I wound up running against about 25 kids.

Mrs. Educator (who by the way, did NOT race against the kids) brought her class over so they could run against me too and suggested that we run the 75 yards down to the end of the field and then back. I stopped her right there.

“Whoa, whoa whoa! We are running DOWN to the end, but we're NOT running back!”

And even though I actually waited until Mr. Van Gogh said “GO!” And even though I beat one of the kids by less than 2 yards -- the fact remains, my legacy is safe for at least one more year.

The Flash lives.


Upon reentering the classroom after Field Day, one of my kids asked me, "When we come back from Spring Break, will we be in the 4th grade?”

Sure, and I will have ascended to Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.

No, I was nice. And I think he was asking because he had just learned that he had passed the TAKS Reading test. We got our results back on Wednesday, and almost 84% of our third-graders passed! This is really spectacular for our school and our area in general. So we're very proud of the kids. But they do still have to take the Math TAKS before they can go to the next grade.

Although there's certainly some that I would love to promote (or demote) over Spring Break.

Pudding on the hits

I actually sat and ate lunch with my kids in the cafeteria today. Or rather, I WATCHED them eat, since I had plans to eat later. So when the kid across from me, A, said that he did not like chocolate pudding and offered me his, I graciously accepted. Which led to the person next to me giving me his pudding. And then the girl on my other side. And before I knew it, I had a pudding pyramid in front of me. By the time we left the cafeteria, I had a sack full of at least 15 pudding packs.

So you're probably thinking -- man, I know what HE'LL be doing during spring break!!


On Monday, I taught the boys how to play Knockout. This is a fast-moving game involving two basketballs and its fair share of coordination. I noticed that whenever someone would make a shot (or often, just when someone would TAKE a shot), several of the boys would shout, "SWAGGER!”

Don't ask me why, I had certainly never heard this before. But it made me want to see if I could get them to start saying something nonsensical.

So on Tuesday, every time I made a shot, I shouted, "Picante!!” With the emphasis in the middle.

Pih- KHAN-tay!!!

Pretty soon, I started getting some strange looks. So I followed it up with, "That's what we used to say in the old days."

By the end of recess, a couple of the boys were tentatively proclaiming, "Khan-tay!”

In fact, someone even said Picante during math class today.

I tell you, it's a good thing I use my powers for the forces of good…

If teachers were like...airline pilots

I realize this is kind of random, but for some reason I found myself thinking about airline pilots the other day. And thus was born a brand new What If –


1) We would basically be stuck all day long in a big room with screaming children and rude adults (not so different) -- but we would have the luxury of closing a door between us and them.

2) If we didn't like the way a parent conference was going, we could feel secure in knowing that parachutes were available to bail out at any time.

3) We could deal with bad altitudes, rather than bad attitudes.

4) We would pass out peanuts and work on an airplane, as opposed to taking away airplanes and working for peanuts.



As always, further suggestions are welcome.

March Mathness

Hello boys and girls! Today was the last day of the regular season for college basketball (as was unfortunately witnessed in the Duke-Carolina debacle), which means March Madness is just around the corner!

I have set up a group in ESPN's Men's Tournament Challenge called March Mathness. If you would like to join my group and pit your bracket picks against mine, just click the link and create an entry. You won't be able to actually make selections until March 11, but you can go ahead and join my group in the meantime.

Hope to see you there! It's Awesome with a capital A, bay-bee!!

Faster than a speeding 3rd grader

Just in case anyone was wondering, yesterday for Dress As a Character from a Book Day(TM), I decided to forgo the lazy route of wearing a white T-shirt with the words "Sam-I-Am" scribbled on it. Instead, I decided on a character from a COMIC book.

Can you guess who I am? And despite several comments from the kids of, "Why is Mister Teacher dressed up like a dork?" it should be easy to tell who i am...

I'm such a character

Tomorrow is Dress As Your Favorite Character in a Book Day ™. I can't think of any stories that deal primarily with a major procrastinator, but that would have been ideal for me. Instead, I have been racking my brain all day long trying to think of something that would be easy and manageable, not to mention recognizable by the kids.

That last little bit of course throws out all of the “adult” novels. Goodbye Tom Clancy. So long Charles Dickens. Nice to know ya, Victor Hugo. And saddest of all, no Stephen King. Here I thought I could come as Johnny Smith from the Dead Zone. I wouldn't have a very distinctive style of dress, but I COULD have fun going around shaking the kids’ hands and making eerie and creepy prophecies.

“You are going to have a flat hamburger for lunch. You're going to get put in time out at 1:24. You're going to fidget.”

Then I looked through my collection and found a wonderful book by a noted author, Patricia Polacco. I thought how fun it would be to dress as the title character. Of course, I would be putting my job in jeopardy every time I told the kids who I was dressed as. But I could just wear a shirt and tie, with a blazer. And the only modification would be a big name tag that read, "Hello, my name is Mr. Falker.”

You're so money!

Today after recess, one of my boys, A, held up a nickel and said, "I got one of these new nickels with the big head."

So I asked him, "And do you know whose big head that is?"

A replied, "Um, Abraham Lincoln?”

I told him, "No, I'll give you a hint. He was our third president."

A responded excitedly, "OH!! George Bush!”

The Carnival Purple

It's Carnival time, folks! This week is the 108th edition, very graciously hosted by Dr. Homeslice. Just the name alone cracks me up. Head on over and check out the entries.

On an unrelated note, I've seen a lot of colored brains floating around blogs that I frequent. So of course, I had to get my own colored brain. It sounds kind of odd to say that I have a purple brain -- actually, it sounds more than a little perverted. Which is probably why I would never say that out loud to someone that I hadn't known for at least five years.

Your Brain is Purple

Of all the brain types, yours is the most idealistic. You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

What Color Is Your Brain?

He chose... Poorly.

There was an article in the Dallas Morning News yesterday about several of the local school districts using an online test produced by Gallup Corp. to screen potential teaching applicants at their schools. Using what is called the TeacherInsight test, employers are turning away many candidates because of their scores.

The article states:
“Unlike state-required certification exams, TeacherInsight measures values and behavior -- not subject knowledge. Gallup says the questions gauge natural talent based on 30 years of researching top-performing teachers."

According to Gallup officials, even though some of the questions might seem a bit subjective, top-quality teachers select the same answers, thus proving their worth.

They didn't list any of the actual test questions in the article, but I think I can imagine what the questions might look like.



#1 You have given an assessment. What do you do for your Talented and Gifted student, to ensure that he does not get bored when he is done?
A) Provide him with a choice of stimulating books to read when he is finished.
B) Ask him to write his own creative story on the back of the test.
C) Give him a 3-star crossword puzzle to work.
D) Buy him fireworks and chewing tobacco.


#2 You are participating in a fire drill exercise when you notice that one of your students is missing. What do you do?
A) Call the administrator and advise him or her of the situation.
B) Ask another teacher to watch your class while you go to look for the child.
C) Tell your other kids that you will give a reward to whoever runs back into the building and finds the missing child.
D) Use this as a teaching opportunity to explain that 95% out of 100 is still pretty high.


#3 You are having a phone conference with an irate parent, and some hurtful things have been said. How do you end the call?
A) “Thank you very much for your time. I look forward to seeing little Billy tomorrow morning.”
B) “I'm sorry that emotions are running so high, but I think we made some progress here today."
C) “I don't want to argue anymore, I'll have my principal gave you a call."
D) “Smell ya later, Beee-yotch!”



So perhaps it's true, perhaps a large portion of candidates CAN be screened out based on the answers they select on an online test. All I can say is, if you take something like this, be sure to choose your answers carefully…

Just one more sign of the Apocalypse

For the past couple of weeks, our science topic has been rocks. You know, igneous, sedimentary, metamorphic -- The Big Three. So since we began, the kids have inundated Mrs. Math and I with samples from the playground, their homes, random gravel quarries, etc. Flat rocks, fat rocks, colored rocks, shiny rocks, wood chips, shells, chunks of concrete, and then some.

It's nice of the kids to share their samples with us. My back shelf will soon be full of rocks and rock-like items. Usually around the time we study leaves at the beginning of the year, my back shelf is filled with leaves. Funny how this phenomenon never happens when we study money...

Along with our study of rocks, we have talked a bit about volcanoes. Magma and lava are, after all, liquid rock. So today, at around 8:05 (nearly 2 hours before we do science), one of my little girls, A, motioned me over and says, "I was just going to tell you…” (This is how she begins every statement) “My friend told me that when the world ends, there's going to be lava everywhere, and most people are going to be dead, and the lava is going to kill them."

Of course my smart-alecy mouth can't help but respond with, "Really? Lava is going to kill people who are already dead?"

She didn't seem taken aback and instead replied, "No, there's still going to be SOME people who are alive, and the lava is going to kill THEM."

Well then. Good to know.

If I had only been a little quicker on my feet, I could have followed up with, "And then after the killer lava cools down and solidifies, WHAT type of rock will it be?”

Happy Flash Wednesday

As many of you probably know, today is Ash Wednesday. What some of you might NOT know is that I have a special affinity for The Flash, and that was even my nickname for a little while (a little while which has yet to end). And since today is also my birthday, I worked a little linguistic magic and combined the two into Flash Wednesday.
And look, everyone got me just what I wanted -- a witty rejoinder!! Go ahead, make my day!

Also, the 107th Carnival of Education is up and running over at History Is Elementary. Be sure to put on your crash helmet and elbow pads before heading over, then charge right through that bad boy!

Can we pencil you in for a snack break?

The Reading TAKS was today, and I think that we all learned a very valuable lesson. Never trust an engineer to make a schedule.

I was tasked with the seemingly simple job as 3rd-grade chairperson to come up with a bathroom and snack schedule for the fourth and fifth grade teachers who would be monitoring the third graders during the test today. Here was my schedule:

TAKS Test 8:00 – 3:00

OK, it wasn't QUITE that vanilla, but it really wasn't very helpful either. I put the bathroom breaks on there, both morning and afternoon, but I forgot to put the snacks on there. And what time lunch was. And the second afternoon bathroom break. All in all, it was a pretty miserable excuse for a schedule.

That was what I turned in yesterday. After seeing one of the other grade’s schedules, I realized how lame mine was, and so I went home and made up a new one last night. Of course, after realizing how lame mine was, our test coordinator also went home last night and made a new one. So when I got to school this morning, there was a bit of a clash over which schedule would be accepted, and to make a long story short, I basically came across as a total Type-A Jackass.

Thankfully, my principal and test coordinator did not take offense (at least not outwardly so), and they substituted in my new, less-lame plan.

After that, it was seven hours of complete, unadulterated, stand-on-your-feet boredom. The eight 5th graders in the class that I was in were perfectly behaved, so there were no problems. MY class, on the other hand...

Ms. Five reported that one of my kids, A, had fallen asleep twice, while another one, A, had finished his test and then announced loudly to the entire class, "I'M FINISHED!” And that one of my little girls, A, had basically just played with her hair and nails all day long. (In the interest of extreme anonymity, I'm just going to call all of my kids A from now on.)

But hey! It's over! At least for another couple of months. Then we get to do the whole shebang over again, with math!

And maybe next time, they'll know better than to trust me with a schedule. On a side note, I really shouldn't be trusted with weapons-grade plutonium, either, after the whole "Incident of ‘04” and all. But that's a whole ‘nother story.

What were they THINKING??

Well, apparently I have been tagged by Mrs. T (no relation) as a Thinking Blogger. NOT to be confused with a Sinking Booger or a Stinking Logger, the honor of being named a thinking blogger is quite nice. And by writing this post, I am proving that I am worthy of at least half of this honor.

Now, the trick is to pass it on to five more blogs. But here's the deal. I don't read a ton of blogs every day, and many of the ones that I do read have already been nominated somewhere or other. However, I'm not going to let that concern me. If we are really naming blogs that make us think, then it stands to reason that some blogs would be nominated more than once and things would start to loop back on themselves at more than one point.

Therefore, here are my nominations for Thinking Blogger, regardless of whether or not they have been named previously:

Education in Texas: I have enjoyed reading Mike in Texas' thoughts, musings, and observations ever since I started blogging myself. Maybe it's that we share a similar sense of humor, or maybe it's that we agree on many issues facing the education system in Texas. But he definitely makes me think.

A Shrewdness Of Apes: Mrs. C consistently blends humor, pop culture, and journalism in regards to education specifically and life in general. I especially enjoy her Movie Madness Mondays, but I also look forward to reading her viewpoints on other issues.

Redkudu: Another Texas teacher (am I biased??) who makes me think. I like her ideas for lessons and she tells good stories. Plus her name sounds like a killer sports franchise.

Get Lost, Mr. Chips: I just enjoy reading his stuff. He's a substitute teacher, but he so clearly has vastly more experience in the classroom than I do. Plus I like his wit.

3 Standard Deviations To the Left: A fellow math teacher, even if we do teach the subject on different levels, and I enjoy reading the true-life letters from students, teachers, and misguided colleagues.

OK, there you go, ya little wing nuts! Don't tell anyone I never made you think!

Holy integral!!

I got an e-mail from my brother the other day that had several graphic files related to funny answers given on mathematics tests. My favorite was this one, posted below. Obviously not the correct answer to the question, but genius nonetheless.

TESTIVUS

Okay, so it's a ripoff of the Seinfeld-created Festivus. But since a main ingredient to Festivus was the Airing of Grievances, I figured it was a good fit.

WARNING: If you have come to Learn Me Good expecting the usual moronic wit, sophomoric humor, or lame jokes, be prepared. Today's post is a more serious musing on the current standardized testing system in place.

With the 2007 TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) going down on Tuesday, I thought I'd get a few things off my chest. To paraphrase Poppa Costanza – I gotta lotta problems with this test!!

Okay, let's go ahead and get the little things out of the way, and then we'll move to the big picture. Thanks to a few idiot teachers who decided to cheat in years past, us honest teachers now face the repercussions. In a move akin to the cartoon elephant shrieking and jumping up on to a high chair when it sees a mouse, the state of Texas has profoundly overreacted.

On Tuesday, I will not be allowed to administer the TAKS to my own students. Neither will any TAKS- grade teachers. I guess they're afraid that one of us will reenact the scene from Spies Like Us, complete with faking a heart attack as we point to the correct answers. I'll be in a 5th grade classroom, with kids I barely know and where the heart attack gag doesn't have a chance of working.

In the meantime, my students will be taking their test with a virtual stranger. Sure, they know Ms. Five, and they've taken a few practice tests with her in the room, but what ever happened to the benefits (or even necessities!) of a familiar presence? Whether you subscribe to the "nurturing presence theory" (the kids know their teacher is there and they feel comfortable) or the "menacing presence theory" (the kids know their teacher is there and so they had BETTER try their hardest), there's a lot of validity there. And "presence" can hardly be considered cheating.

Or, maybe it can. For anyone who thinks that not only should the kids not be helped in any way, but that they should actually be hindered as well...

Which is probably why we have to cover up just about everything in our classroom on test days. Not just visual aids; EVERYTHING with text on it. I can understand not wanting the kids to be able to look at a poster with an example of a Venn Diagram or a sequencing chart. But what possible unfair advantage is a kid going to get from a cursive alphabet chart or a motivational poster that says, "Make Good Choices!"? And yes, I even have to cover up my solar system poster. Nobody wants the kids pulling any answers out of Uranus.

I also have a problem with the whole school ranking system. Exemplary, Recognized, Acceptable, and Unacceptable are the grades bestowed upon campuses based on their overall TAKS scores. But the guidelines and requirements for hitting these marks are rigid and uncompromising. With all of the talk and training on Differentiation at the student level, where is it on the campus level? All kids do not learn at the same rate, and all students cannot perform at the same level. We have to modify our teaching to reach all abilities. But then why is that not taken into account during standardized testing? Why isn't there a sliding scale for school rankings based on demographics and location?

On the 3rd grade math TAKS, a monitor is allowed to read a word or phrase to the student if the student asks them to. This is brilliant because it makes the test about the student's math ability, NOT their reading ability. However, beyond the 3rd grade, this is not the case. Take 5th grade science, for instance. The kids are given absolutely no reading assistance on the science TAKS. This is ridiculous, as it effectively makes the test a reading assessment with a science bent. How many kids know exactly what photosynthesis is, but they don't know how to read the word "photosynthesis?" Or who could tell you with precision the difference between a mixture and a solution, but who can't recognize those words on paper? Except for on the reading tests, the kids should absolutely be allowed to ask for reading assistance. That's just common sense.

But let's move to the big picture now. In my ever so humble opinion, the TAKS is not an adequate measuring stick for a student's growth. It's more like the “height stick” used at Six Flags and other amusement parks. You know the one -- "You must be this tall to ride." The bored coaster-jockeys put it down next to a kid and give it a twirl. If the crossbar slides through the air, the kid doesn't get to ride. If it whacks the kid in the head, he gets to ride. It's a go-no go affair. The kid is either taller than the mark or shorter. As to the actual height of the kid? Who knows?

The TAKS is the test-equivalent of the height stick. It will tell you whether a kid has surpassed a set mark or not. It says absolutely nothing about improvement, or growth, or -- dare I say it -- gain.

But what if there was a system that actually gauged each student's achievement, instead of just indicating pass/fail? Why not have a test at the very beginning of the year and a test at the very end of the year? That way you could see true progress. Let's face it, there are some children who are never going to be able to pass TAKS. They just don't have the skills or the IQ. But that doesn't mean they're not learning anything. Here's an example. Consider a child who scores a 10 (out of 100) on my proposed beginning-of-year test and a 50 on the end-of-year test. In the current system, with just the end-of-year test, that child is just another blip in the "Failure" column. But if a beginning-of-year test had been given, it would be clear that the child had made a gain of 400 percent!! To me, that's much more impressive than the child whose score went from 80 to 85. But as things stand, the kid with the 85 gets praised and moves on, while the kid with a 50 gets retained.

One argument against a beginning-of-year test is that it's too expensive. I understand that these tests cost money, and the education budget is always being trimmed. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm not convinced that it really WOULD be more expensive than what we have now. For one thing, there wouldn't need to be three chances given on any test (right now, some tests are given three times for those who don't pass on the first or second try) because we'd be measuring growth, not just pass/fail. Also, I think it would ease special education's load quite a bit, as teachers would not be requesting resource testing for so many students, trying to get them exempted from a test they have no chance of passing. And on top of everything else, is anyone really going to respect an education system that says, "Yeah, we know what would be best, but we're not going to do it because it's too expensive?"

Anyway, I'm just a lowly peon in the Texas public school system. But here's my two cents, for what it's worth. Any comments are appreciated.

Risky Cycles

MAN, it is cold down here! You wouldn't expect to hear that coming out of the heart of Texas, but as I stood outside at my early morning duty post amid the falling snowflakes -- wait, you wouldn't expect to hear THAT coming out of the heart of Texas either...

But it's true, it was snowing this morning, and the temperature was in the mid-20s. I don't care where you're from, that's not a lot of fun to be out in for half an hour. I expected the kids to start greeting me with, "Good morning, Mister Popsicle!” And when I got back inside, looking like the Comingeth of the Iceman, the first thing my Assistant Principal said to me was, "You know, it's supposed to be in the teens tomorrow morning..." Time to break out the nuclear-powered longjohns.

In other news, I walked a bit of a fine line today with both of my classes. In the science book, there was a picture of a unicycle. So I took that as an opportunity to talk about prefixes. We were just talking about how quad- and quart- meant four, and the kids know that tri- means three. So I ask them what other word looked a lot like unicycle. They came up with bicycle pretty quickly. So I had them consider what a unicycle looks like and what a bicycle looks like, and I asked them to try to think about what uni- and bi- could possibly mean. They had no problem with that. But as an adult reading this, you can probably see the fine line I was talking about.

Much like the rookie gambler pushing all-in with a jack-10 off suit, I realized I was taking a bit of a risk, but I went ahead and asked the question anyway -- "What other words can we think of that start with uni- and bi-?”

Thankfully, and as I pretty much expected, both of my classes came up with the same words -- unicorn, and bilingual. One little girl did say that bi means when you go to the store and spend money on something, and a boy in the other class suggested “Bye-bye, Mister Teacher.”

But no one brought up the more sensitive word. I think you know which one I'm talking about.

Biplane.

Pimp My Name

You don't have to be a teacher nowadays to realize that many people in this great world of ours just can't handle the responsibility of naming a child. So many parents have taken to "tricking up" their baby's name -- choosing something that strikes their fancy, or that they think is "totally wicked awesome!"

Exhibit A – Kal-el Cage
Exhibit B – Apple Paltrow (Or is it Apple Martin? Or is that too close to Apple Martini?)
Exhibits C-E -- Any of Bruce Willis's kids.

But of course celebrities are not the only guilty party here. We get our fair share of kids at school named after luxury cars or royalty, or those with very inventive uses for the apostrophe.

So it occurred to me that with this increasing trend of parents naming their kids after things they like with no thought whatsoever as to the fact that it is indeed their child who will be forced to bear the burden of that name for the rest of his or her life, or at least until the age of 18 (deep breath) -- I think I have some idea of what names we can expect to start showing up in kindergarten classes in just a few years.

"Kal-el Cage" is just one example of a child named after a popular movie character. I expect we'll soon have classes that include at least one Legolas, Gimli, or Frodo. Of course, at MY school, it would be La’Frodo.

Free elements will no doubt make a strong entrance. Zirconium -- Zirc to his friends -- will be a popular boy's name, while Moly (short for Molybdenum) will be the hot new girl's name.

Expect Mazda and Isuzu to overtake Lexus and Porscha in the race for “kewl” monikers.

In about three years, here's the typical class roll call I expect to see:

Soduku
Jenny
Eowen
Jeauxsyff
All-in
McSteamy
da Vinci
Lauren
Magneto
Jar-Jar
Brittney
Cylon
Advil
Toyota
Kimberly
Nemo
Pyramid
Johnny.com
Catherine
Samsung
Rubidium

I can't wait!!

U wan frize wit dat?

This is one reason I'm so glad I don't teach high school writing. A story out of Florida reports on students writing essays and allowing “IM-speak” to creep in. These are words and phrases… no wait, excuse me, they are letters and numbers designed to REPRESENT words and phrases, or taken from another point of view, they are short bursts of spazz-finger that present teens from learning proper spelling and grammar.
b4, wat, dat, u and so on.

WTF???

I have no doubt that using these shortcuts makes one able to type more in a shorter period of time. I'm sure that likewise, sticking a funnel down my throat would allow me to consume more vodka in a shorter period of time -- that doesn't necessarily mean it's an improvement.

What's even more disturbing is that some teachers seem to be supporting this movement.

“Some educators, like David Warlick, 54, of Raleigh, North Carolina, see the
young burgeoning band of instant messengers as a phenomenon that should be
celebrated. Teachers should credit their students with inventing a new language
ideal for communicating in a high-tech world, said Warlick, who has authored
three books on technology in the classroom.”

If my students invent a new language, then I probably will celebrate. But I won't be partying over the fact that people are too lazy to type an “h” to properly spell the word “what.” If you want to try a new language, go with Klingon. Though I'm not sure too many people will celebrate your accomplishments then, either. Just ask Ed U Cater.

Again, I don't have to worry too much about this from my third-graders. When they write for me, the misspellings are rampant, but completely unintentional.

I'll take a “Good jod!” over a “Wat up wid u?” any day.

Crash and go up in smoke

You know, with all of the crazy driving I have seen out in front of the school this year, it's a wonder I haven't seen any fender benders. Until today. Of course, I never imagined that the accident would occur with an unoccupied car.

There was a car parked across the street the entire time from 7:15 until 7:45, so I have no idea who it belongs to. But this guy pulled up behind it, parked about 10 feet back, and his wife and daughter got out. I walked them across the street, and then I sort of forgot about him as other cars pulled up to the near side curb in front of me. I'm greeting a couple of kids getting out right in front of me, when I hear this bang. I look up, and see that this guy has somehow drifted forward the 10 feet or so and directly into the back end of the parked car. I have no earthly idea how that happened.

Thankfully, it was a very low speed collision, and there was no noticeable damage to the car. I told him that he should put his name and number on a piece of paper and slide it under the windshield wipers, which he did.

So there was my big excitement for the day. Of course, in other areas, things were a bit more mellow. Groovy. Like, totally far out, man. I heard from another teacher that there was an incident not too far from us where a fifth-grader was caught in possession of 20-some grams of marijuana. And one report was that he was even smoking it!

Hmmm... Maybe I should visit that classroom and bring back a sample, so I can demonstrate how a solid becomes a gas…

OK, it's halftime of the Duke-Carolina game, so I've got to wrap this up and get back to screaming at my television. I don't know how it will wind up, but it's been one heck of a game so far!

Volcano!!

Over the weekend, I asked my kids to start thinking about ideas for a science project. A few weeks ago, we did a little project together in class -- Which will fly farther: a plain paper airplane or a paper airplane with a paper clip on the nose?

So I asked them to jot down a few ideas for potential problems to explore. I was looking for some open-ended questions and some feeling for what kinds of experiments they were interested in.

I got back a few viable responses, but as usual, the nonviable ones are a lot more fun to discuss here. So without any further ado, I present the results of what my class is truly interested in, apparently.

There were bound to be some questions that don't require an experiment to answer:
“What is longer, a ruler or a journal?”
and
“How many cups does it take to get 1 pint?”
(At least they're exploring, right?)

Then there are the ones that would actually be very interesting to see put into motion:
“How does a solid change when you hit something with it?”
(I can just imagine this kid walking around whacking everything in sight with a backpack, a notebook, or a football)

“How long can a human stay underwater?”
(How about, how long can a third grader stay quiet?)

From the "Let Me Know When You Find the Answer” files:
“How do you think liquid was invented?”
(Or maybe it was how do you think liquor was invented? -- the spelling was a bit hard to make out)

Here was one of my favorite responses:
“If I stop feeding my turtle for 10 days will it die?”
(My hypothesis -- the turtle will croak)

From there we go to the most bizarre response:
“Which one will last longer -- game or cake?”
(I don't even know what the intent of that question was)

And finally, here's one that didn't really meet the criteria for what I asked for, but it does show that the boy has learned something in science AND that he wants to impress me:
“If you grab a block with no string and it will be heavy and if you put a string around of a block it will not be heavy because you can pull it up and then go tell your teacher."

Nobody puts Wookiee in a corner...

Say it ain't so. Chewbacca apparently has gone over to the Dark Side.

According to this story, a street performer in California who was dressed as everyone's favorite cuddly Wookiee got a bit aggressive and head butted a tour guide in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. This, after being accused of “harassing and touching tourists." I can't think of anything worse than being groped by a six-foot tall bipedal hairy dog. I believe it was Kelly Ripa who said, "I don't know where that hand’s been!”

These performers hang around outside of the theater hoping for some loose change for a hard day's work. Let's not even stop to consider where Chewbacca would store his money. I'm more interested in what precipitated this aggressiveness. I can just picture some random guy walking past saying, "Hey buddy, you don't see ME out here crying cuz no one will give him a dollar!" And some other clever individual remarking, "That's because schmucks don't rip people's arms out of their sockets when they don't get their money." All accompanied by the hideous Wookiee mating song.

Based on the story, there did not seem to be any particular Star Wars theme going on with the street performers. It was a veritable hodgepodge of fictional characters. Giving new meaning to the term "Character Witnesses," bystanders included Superman, Buzz Lightyear, and Homer Simpson. Heck, why not bring in Brainy Smurf as an expert witness and Harvey Birdman as prosecutor?

This story is chock-full of amusing sound bites, but here is one of my favorite statements:

“Two years ago, Mr. Incredible, Elmo the Muppet and the dark-hooded character from the movie "Scream" were arrested for "aggressive begging," the L.A. Times reported.”

I gotta ask… who was the MORON who let that unholy triumvirate come together???

Blinded me with SCIENCE!!

I'm throwing out this plea to any and all science teachers who may be reading this blog. I would love to hear from you any fun (or even boring) hands-on activities that relate to the states of matter. We have been reading about solids, liquids, and gases and discussing, but I'd like to do something more concrete with them.

And I don't mean pushing them into the bathroom and saying, "You should be able to find all three states in this room!"

Anybody? My undying gratitude for anyone who shares in the next couple of days.

The events of the week

I just got back from a Super Bowl watching party, and I am very happy that the Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears, 29-17. Way to go Manning!! Other meaningful moments during the NFL telecast:
A dearth of funny commercials.
Don Shula competing against Jay-Z in what appeared to be a holographic Madden:2035.
Prince performing a shadow puppet show, and using his uniquely shaped guitar to
represent a certain elongated and severely deformed body part.

Also this week, The Best of Blogs Awards began. Be sure to get out there and vote!

The release date for Harry Potter 7 (Hogwarts Boogaloo) was announced. Mark your calendars for July 21, 2007.

And finally, Punxatawney Phil stuck his head out of his cave and saw his shadow. Or maybe he didn't see it, I'm not really sure. Either way, I know we don't have six more weeks of TAKS preparation as one optimist suggested.
I wonder if Phil has his own blog...

February 2, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

February 2, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

February 2, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

A modest proposal

An article in the paper yesterday talked about a proposed bill that would punish parents who don't show up for parent-teacher conference night.

Wayne Smith, a congressman from the Houston-area, wants to submit legislation that will charge parents with a Class C misdemeanor and a $500 fine if they miss a scheduled meeting with their child's teacher. The article says:

“The bill, which is expected to be considered in the House Public Education
Committee… specifies that the parent has to receive written notice by certified
mail, listing at least three proposed dates for the parent-teacher
conference. A parent who ignores the notice or schedules a meeting but
fails to attend would face charges -- unless there was a valid reason for not
showing up.”

Valid reasons could include emergency quadruple-bypass, transfer to Iraq, or "Twilight Zone-athon Day on the sci-fi channel.”

I ask you -- how freakin’ great is this proposal? And my next question -- how freakin’ high are the odds that anything like this will EVER be passed??? I mean, come on, in a society where someone can spill hot coffee in their own lap and then sue the restaurant for millions of dollars; in a society where people are perfectly happy to ignore the Surgeon General's warning while they slowly poison themselves, but then blame the tobacco industry for killing them; in a society where Terrell Owens is viewed as anything other than a complete nitwit… Does anyone outside of a mental institution actually believe for a second that this same society would allow anyone to impose and enforce responsibility on them??

But you know, on the off chance that this pipe dream is actually realized, and the bill is posted through, I would like to suggest a rider. Choose some percentage of the imposed parental fine, and give it to the teacher who was stood up. If I had even half of a percent of $500 for every time I've had a parent no-show, I'd be rich! And I've only been teaching for four years!

And hey, if this thing should pass, let's not stop there. How about fines for parents who consistently bring their kids to school late? Misdemeanors for parents who register phone numbers that don't work? Jail time for parents who let their kids play video games without doing their homework?