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Monday, February 12, 2007

Pimp My Name

You don't have to be a teacher nowadays to realize that many people in this great world of ours just can't handle the responsibility of naming a child. So many parents have taken to "tricking up" their baby's name -- choosing something that strikes their fancy, or that they think is "totally wicked awesome!"

Exhibit A – Kal-el Cage
Exhibit B – Apple Paltrow (Or is it Apple Martin? Or is that too close to Apple Martini?)
Exhibits C-E -- Any of Bruce Willis's kids.

But of course celebrities are not the only guilty party here. We get our fair share of kids at school named after luxury cars or royalty, or those with very inventive uses for the apostrophe.

So it occurred to me that with this increasing trend of parents naming their kids after things they like with no thought whatsoever as to the fact that it is indeed their child who will be forced to bear the burden of that name for the rest of his or her life, or at least until the age of 18 (deep breath) -- I think I have some idea of what names we can expect to start showing up in kindergarten classes in just a few years.

"Kal-el Cage" is just one example of a child named after a popular movie character. I expect we'll soon have classes that include at least one Legolas, Gimli, or Frodo. Of course, at MY school, it would be La’Frodo.

Free elements will no doubt make a strong entrance. Zirconium -- Zirc to his friends -- will be a popular boy's name, while Moly (short for Molybdenum) will be the hot new girl's name.

Expect Mazda and Isuzu to overtake Lexus and Porscha in the race for “kewl” monikers.

In about three years, here's the typical class roll call I expect to see:

da Vinci

I can't wait!!


100 Farmers said...

I had a child named Ecclesiastes one year. Can you imagine this poor baby trying to learn to write his name.

Anonymous said...

McSteamy? That's funny! I never would have guessed you for a GA fan. My taste leans more toward Scrubs, which was recorded on DVR while the others in the house were entranced with the recent boat wreck.

Anyhoo, thumbs up on Pimp My Name ... a clever and enjoyable musing.

Anonymous said...

I just read "U wan frize wit dat?" and imagined your head doing a 360 when you read "anyhoo." Ah, you crack me up.

MsM said...

It's no wonder that some of these kids have no phonetic awareness, with the Kree'Ativ spellings of their names!

Mister Teacher said...

Spanky, I am most definitely NOT a GA fan. I just tried to go with things that are really popular.

rookie teacher said...

I know a girl with the name Shanelle ... when I first heard it I thought it was spelled Chanel.

Ed U. Cater said...

Several years ago, there was a kid (not my student) at my school who had a first name of Mister, middle name of President, and last name of Jackson (any relation to Mister Teacher?). Also, around that that same time, there were 2 brothers at the school named Daytona and Dakota. They had a younger sister coming up...can't remember her name, but it might as well have been Viper or Ram!

Anonymous said...

True story---at my school, years ago, there was a student named Heroderick because when the nurse asked the mother for the baby's name, she said "He Roderick" and the nurse wrote it down that way! Another rhymed with "Emily"---that's right---Female.

graycie said...

Years and years and years ago I taught a student named Randy Horney. He was one of nine kids. Really.

Mrs. Bluebird said...

Hey, I had a student named Mr. one year as well...Momma wanted him to "be respected"...little did she realize that he probably would be a bit more respected if he didn't like, steal, and manage to fail every single class in 7th..grade. Apparently he hasn't changed much and he's pulling the same stunts in high school.

Other odd names...I had a Shanelle once, a Shalaundreia, a Kraeyawna (pronounced Crayon), and when I was subbing had a class of kindergarteners with a Cobain, a Nirvina and a Pantera. I also had a Brytne (no Brittany for that one!)

Anonymous said...

I had a girl named "Spring" in my class.


Anonymous said...

I have a dear sweet young man named...Brawny.

The funnier part is that the school register spells his name wrong and he is listed officially everywhere as "Browny."

Anonymous said...

OK--weird names abound, but this one from my school just really bothers me: Feleasha. Did her parents just not know how to spell Felicia? Every time I see her I think of a leash. A dog's leash. Cripes.

Anonymous said...

What's in a name?
The name thing is indeed ridiculous (and yet addicting at the same time). I look forward to the Social Security name report every year. My personal favorite was that in one calendar year (within the past 2-3 years) there were 40 newborn babies named "Unique." Kinda defeats the meaning of the name, huh?

If you've got time to kill, play around on to track the popularity of a certain name over 100 years. For example "Edith" was all the rage in the 1910's then took a huge nosedive in the 1940's and remained there.

Love ya,

Anonymous said...

As someone who was cursed with a name he hated by parents, I honetly think there needs to be some national registry of approved names for children. Then when they turn 18 they can be encouraged to pick their adult name that will be their legal name for life. Most parents aren't up to the responsibility of choosing appropriate names for their children.

Of course, when I think I have it bad, i think of my late Aunt Cliff. We called her Cliff, and to this day I consider Cliff a woman's name. But she was name Clifton Craddock Wilson, only to marry and become Clifton Craddock McClure. I guess it's no wonder her kids were named Sam and Allen.

Troyce Clifton Wilson

Mister Teacher said...

My grandmother always used to tell the story about dating a guy named Harry Rump.
As if that wasn't bad enough, Harry apparently had siblings named Ophelia Rump and John Houser Rump.

Anonymous said...

I had a family of students lasst year (i did math grades 1-5) they were: Rain, River, and announced she was pregnant in the middleof the year, and we all joked about what the baby's name would be. Some suggestions: dam, tidal basin, nimbus, katrina(after the hurricane)....but the baby was named Storm.

Anonymous said...

And don't you just love it when these kids look at you like you're a nut and roll their eyes because you can't pronounce their names correctly on the first day!

The Tour Marm said...

Ima and Ura Hogg. Robin Banks. Sputnik. All the Zappa kids.. Modern African American names with alternative spellings and punctuation. Montesquieu Rabinowitz. Motley Bliss. And add Anakin and Stuaz Czycz to your list.

Even my mother's first name is a result of both a parent who wanted an accented French name and a nurse who could not spell it. It turned out to be, 'Lylese' (pronounced Lyle Lease), and she hated it throughout her life. (I was astounded to find other Lyleses throughout the world via the Internet. Were they all born in the same Flatbush hospital?) Her surname was a horror in a Yiddish speaking area as it sounded like the word for,'bellybutton'!

Parents ought to name children as if the name will appear on a professional resume or on the front page of the,'Wall Street Journal', rather than Hollywood Tabloids, Hip Hop album, or team roster. Off-beat names should relegated to nicknames .

I like the way Catholics name their children after a slew of Saints. One could still have a nickname from Alexander, Christopher, Catherine, or Elizabeth.

Frank Zappa defended his childrens' names by saying that there was no poetry in, 'Ralph'. Be that as it may, but why put a child through constant ridicule as well as the task of always having to spell the name or hear it repeatedly mispronounced. It gets old, fast.

New immigrants from Asia are always taking on simple, English-sounding names such as, 'Jack', 'Sam', or 'Cathy'.

I now address all my students as Miss or Mister, whatever the last name is. While they are with me they also address one another in the same way and they tend to be far more respectful towards one another. Their last names are a whole lot easier for me to pronounce, unless it it Uczciwy, or Dtangpaibool!

However, we are getting used to Barack Obama.

Ed U. Cater said...

Don't forget to add Le'vitra & Vi'agra to the list of names we'll be seeing in the near future.

Mister Teacher said...

Yuck, Ed, now I think I'm going to have to also add Da'Vomit to the list...

Phin said...

I was contemplating naming my child Agent. Or use Agent as the middle name and throw in Special as the first name. He'd be special alright, and would possibly require a helmet.

Mister Teacher said...

Phin, please do not name my new nephew Special Agent. Just stick with your original idea --

Aquaman Qbert

Anonymous said...

I know this is WAY late, but we had brothers and sisters named, Mercedes and Mazaritti (the brothers) and Porche (the sister).