Who are the ad wizards that came up with THIS one??

Today is the day before the third and fourth graders at my school take the state standardized math exam. We had some review material to finish up, but overall, I tried to keep it light and easy and really tried to keep the kids' confidence up.

But then someone went and decided that today would be the day that report cards needed to go home.

GENIUS!!!!

I'm sure that there was absolutely no chance of any risk whatsoever regarding student confidence being lowered due to a less than desired grade. Hey, maybe tomorrow morning right before they put pencil to the test, we can tell them all they were adopted!!

Can I get a side of larceny with that?

Yesterday, I guess I was still sleepwalking after the four-day Easter holiday. I did something that I'm quite frankly ashamed to admit.

I'm not normally a kleptomaniac, and I really DO believe the commandment Thou shall not steal, but I actually walked out of the school cafeteria yesterday without paying for my lunch.

I didn't even realize what I had done until after lunch, and after recess, when I discovered that I still had the two dollars in my pocket. So I thought back to what had actually happened in the cafeteria...

I was watching my kids go through the lunch line, and the cafeteria lady asked what I'd like, and I got my tray from her with chicken nuggets and green beans. I continued to watch my kids go through the lunch line. Then I looked up at the clock and noticed it was past 11:30, so I headed out of the cafeteria. Sure enough, I never stopped to pay.

$1.75

For some people, a buck seventy-five wouldn't even register on their guilt-o-meter. They have to pilfer at LEAST $30 worth of stuff before they even felt a twinge of remorse. But I've always been the class nerd who stresses out if he owes a nickel for a day-late library book.

So I threw myself on the mercy of the cafeteria staff first thing this morning. And today at lunch, I made sure to pay for yesterday's AND today's meals.

I feel relatively confident that no charges will be pressed and that I will continue to live a free man.

And while we're on the subject of completely bone-headed moves, I pulled another doozy today.

It's something that, as a teacher, really needed to be done. But as a human being, I realized how utterly stupid I was being as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

My little girl who got suspended by the fifth-grade teachers last week has not come back to school. Her suspension is over, and she was supposed to be back yesterday. I happened to see her brother this afternoon. I asked him where his sister was and why she wasn't at school. He said something about her not being able to find her suspension note and not knowing if she could come back without it.

So, like the chicken nugget thieving fool that I am, I said, "Tell her she doesn't need that note -- she supposed to be at school."

D’OH!!!

So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid.

Maybe her brother will forget to mention it to her. Yeah, and maybe I'll forget to pay for my lunch again tomorrow…