New kids on the clock

I got a new kid in my class last Friday. Thankfully, he did not have to take the TAKS test yesterday, because he can hardly write his own name, much less read a story and answer questions about it. Come to find out, his reputation precededs him. Big time. I had wondered why he didn't show up in my room on Friday until 10:00, but I later found out that it was because those first two hours were spent down in the principal's office, where he was read the riot act upon first entering the building. Apparently, his old school couldn't get him out the door fast enough. From what I've heard, his ultimate transgression at his old school was breaking a toilet.
Now I've heard of/seen several different ways to break a toilet. These include:

• Dropping a shot put from a height of six feet into the porcelein bowl.
• Standing on the rim and jumping up and down (usually lid up for boys, lid down for girls).
• Stuffing the pipe so full of stuff (toilet paper, cardboard tubes, jump ropes, school uniforms) that the toilet just explodes.

I think that D, my new kid, said something about using a screwdriver. My initial thought is NOT that he actually unscrewed all of the bolts, but rather that he probably just did a "Psycho" number on the bowl and pipes with the tool. Slash and chip, baby.

So today he comes in and won't do any work for me. He keeps putting his head down and looking to the world like he's taking a nap. So I told him my rule of "Sleep in your bed, not in my classroom." He immediately responds, "I stayed up all night watching a movie!" Hmmm. . .well, D, that would certainly explain the need for sleep, but here's an idea. Maybe, and this is just me thinking out loud here, you SHOULDN'T watch late-night movies when you have to go to school the next morning. Make sense?

Turns out he'll be able to watch all the Cinemax he wants tonight and tomorrow night. Mrs. Educator had him suspended today for the rest of the week. (You GO, girl!) No sewage disruption yet at our school (at least, not due to him), but he's been throwing out insults like they were Homeworks with no names on them. He dropped an F-bomb over in her room, called several kids' mothers an unsavory word that rhymes with "witch," and told one boy, "That is the Mother F-ing biggest stomach I have ever seen!" Now D is no Olive Oyl himself, so really this is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle fat.

On the other end of the spectrum, I witnessed the worst reaction to a suggestion for eyeglasses ever. A lot of my kids were tested for vision problems this morning, and about 8 notes went home to parents suggesting that their child needs glasses (including one to a boy who already WEARS them!) One of my girls, S, got such a letter, and burst into tears. S is a smart, sweet, angel of a child, and her reaction really surprised me. She kept sobbing, "I don't WANT glasses! My mom doesn't WANT me to have glasses!" When I asked her why, she said, "Because they can get broken!" Harry Potter fans would probably bring up the "Reparo" spell, but I just told her that glasses have to be taken care of, and if they get broken by accident, they can be replaced. But she acted as if someone had told her she was going up against the Blue Teabagger on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! (Sorry, I needed a link to something)

Maybe I need to bring that lady from the district back who walked into my room 2 years ago and told the kids, "I think glasses are SEXY" Yeah, that would be as appropriate now as it was then. . . So maybe not.