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Thursday, January 18, 2007

If teachers were like... soap stars

Earlier this week, I read a blurb in the paper about a local teacher who won a contest to trade places for a day with Jason Thompson of General Hospital. So that inspired me to formulate a new entry in the "If teachers were like..." pantheon. My first thought was that a teacher would feel more at home on the set of All My Children or The Young and the Restless. But here are some other things that I believe would be true if teachers were like... soap stars:

1) Every time we told a child, "If you don't study, you will fail," there would be a sudden crescendo of dramatic music, accompanied by a close-up of the facial expression termed by Joey from Friends as "smelling the fart."

2) We would never get any teaching done because we'd be too worried about aliens abducting our illegal immigrant lovers, who may or may not have set fire to their illegitimate half-siblings in order to inherit all of the family's money.

3) We'd talk less about commas, and more about comas.

4) One of our colleagues could disappear for months, only to be replaced by someone 7 inches shorter, 20 pounds heavier, with different colored eyes and a mustache. Yet everyone would accept that this brand-new person was really our old colleague, and nothing would ever be said about it.

Any other ideas?


Mike in Texas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike in Texas said...

In my soap opera world I'd be a major stud muffin. After all, I DO work with nearly 40 women, many that can actually tolerate my presence.

Anonymous said...

#4 happens all the time. They're called "substitutes".

I'd like an episode where a lowly elementary teacher wakes up from a chalk dust-induced coma to discover that she (or he) actually is a professional with a master's degree, and thus entitled to a raise, respect, and an hour-long lunch.


Anonymous said...

We could die and be mourned only to be found alive by some miracle 5 months later.

Mrs. T said...

In my soap opera, the principal would get caught soliciting a prostitute and then mysteriously leave town in shame in the middle of the night.
One of the teachers would get busted for possession of crack after being caught leaving a mobile home/crack house.
Oh wait! That's not a soap opera. Those things actually happened in my district.

Anonymous said...

I actually considered applying for that contest.

In my soap opera all the administrators in my district would have affairs - some with teachers in their own schools. Oh, wait, that did happen. One is married to a teacher he had an affair with and then had an affair with a teacher who is married to another teacher!

Although, if teachers were like soap stars, we would never have to go to work, unless a serial killer was stalking the women at our school.

Do you suppose the teacher who won will be Patrick Drake while she is on GH? That would be cool.