Is his name Yao Ming?

Mrs. Educator passed along a good story today. Fed up with the zombie-like, rote, wooden nature of the kids’ Pledge of Allegiance recital in the mornings, she had them all write out the Pledge on paper. In addition to a myriad of misspellings, one thing really stood out to her.

One of our kids had written (and I guess has been saying), “One Asian, under God…”

And I’m proud to be an American…

The Denim Nazi

NO BLUE JEANS FOR YOU!!!!!

This was the imperative I was left with (I’m paraphrasing) after our staff meeting yesterday. We were told at the beginning of the year that if we had perfect attendance for the first 6 weeks, we would be allowed to wear blue jeans on Fridays for the next 6 week period. So when the first 6 weeks ended last Friday, I was very happy to see that none of the third grade teachers had missed a single day of school. Blue jean Fridays for us all!! Could Margerita Mondays be far behind?

Alas, then came the cold, cruel reality, like a slap in the face from a recently thawed caveman. At the meeting yesterday, our principal said she hoped that the blue jeans list would be out early this week. Mrs. Educator, sitting in front of me, yelled out, “Third grade was perfect!” To which our principal replied, “No, I know that Mister Teacher missed a day at the beginning of the year. You know, it doesn’t just include the school days.”

Yeah, the week before school started, during the pre-school teacher prep period, my grandmother passed away, and I went to the funeral that Friday. So I missed out on a few extra hours of decorating my classroom, an extra table being moved into my room, and apparently, 6 weeks of denim Fridays.

I just feel like such a fool. How ludicrously stupid of me to assume that “the first 6 weeks” meant 6 weeks’ worth of educational days!!

Here are some other foolish assumptions I have made recently:
The Sun will rise in the East each morning.
Oklahoma will remain land-locked.
7th Heaven will continue to defy cancellation.

I can already see the discussion I’ll be having with my students this Friday.
“Mister Teacher, how come you’re the only third grade teacher not wearing blue jeans?”
“Because I was absent one day.”
“But you’ve been here every day we were here!”
“Exactly, my children. Exactly.”




One of my students brought me a gift this morning. She said it was for being such a great teacher. It was an egg. A raw, unpackaged chicken egg.

I may not have been up to muster for perfect attendance, but by golly, I have the “juevos” to prove what a great teacher I am! Who’s the yolk on now???

USA Yesterday

I just was surfing some other blogs, and came across this article from USA Today that featured several teacher blogs. Congratulations to History is Elementary, A Shrewdness of Apes, Get Lost Mr. Chips, and a few others that I enjoy reading.
A notable absence was Learn Me Good, but then I suppose it's my own fault for not replying to any of the 200 emails and phone callas I received asking for an interview. For some reason, I thought the dude kept saying "You must pay today," so I kept hanging up on him. Um, plus I never learned to read, so I thought "USA Today" meant "You must pay today." Yeah, that's the ticket.
Anyway, it's an interesting article. Check it out. Then go learn yourself to read betterer.

Tales of a 3rd grade hypochondriac

One of my kids this year, B, is always complaining about some mysterious malady. And as a result, I am always biting back (or letting out) some snide response to his complaints.
A month ago, I heard, “I have a little bump on my head.”
Two weeks ago, it was, “My knee is hurting.”
Last week, he told me, “My eyes are watering.”
Sometimes, I just reply with a quick, “Sorry.” Other times, I try to express solidarity with the lad, by telling him about my own pains. “Oooh yeah, and my hands are kind of hurting today, B.”
But today, he turned around to tell me, “I have cramps.”
Let me tell you, I had to fight SO hard the urge to respond, “Maybe you’re pregnant.”

Reminds me of a hilarious quote from the movie Raising Arizona. Click here to listen.

Of course, B could have worse things to complain about. I had a little girl last year, N, one of the few white kids at our school, who had the most smothering southern accent you can imagine. N came back from a doctor’s appointment with a new way to express her problems. She would tell me, “I’m having girl problems down there.” As she pointed not-so-subtly at her crotch.
Despite the “girl problems” and the fact that she fell asleep in class EVERY DAY, N’s most memorable moment was on Career Day, when she asked a guest speaker, a local supermarket manager, “Is cherries good for you?”

Well, my angina and my sciatica are starting to act up, and I think I feel a bit of the gout coming on. I had better wrap this up!

Break out those library cards!

Hey there,
I am going to put out this request to everybody who stops by my blog--it's a request for help that won't cost you a dime.

Now that my novel, Learn Me Good, is available through retail, for example, online at Amazon.com, this means that stores and libraries can order it directly, if they so choose. This means that if you are someone who has wanted to buy a copy, but you don't feel safe ordering things over the Internet, you can call up your local Borders or Barnes and Noble and ask if they can stock the item. In fact, you could help me out a great deal by making this request of your local stores even if you do NOT plan on buying a copy. Usually, the store will purchase a copy and put it on hold for you to come in and check it out, with no obligation to buy. This way, you get to check Learn Me Good out, risk-free!

The other way to help out would be to request that your local library order a copy or two. I have already had some friends have success with this, as I have been informed that the Fairfax County Library (Virginia) as well as the George Mason University library have copies on hand.

I really do appreciate any and all help you folks can give me, and as a self-published author, I rely heavily on word-of-mouth. So the more exposure I can get, the better results I will see!
Thanks again!

Gutten tag, mon frere

I have signed up for a Spanish as a Second Language at my church, and it starts tomorrow night. I took Spanish in school when I was a kid (1st grade through 8th grade), but that was eons ago, and I have forgotten most of it. I do remember several food items and articles of clothing (corbatta, camisa, jelado, leche, etc), but I am hoping to learn and/or refresh my memory on verbs, conventions, etc.
Pretty soon I will be watching Sabado Gigante on Univision and translating as homework!

MyUniverse

Do you like the My Space?

My former teaching partner suggested that I check out My Space earlier this year, as a way of having yet another link to this blog. To be honest, I don't really go there much, but I did set up an account, and I have even connected with an old high school friend or two. But I constantly get these requests for friends from random people that I don't even know. I'll check out their profile and it says something like, "Check me out on my webcam, and we can have some fun!"

This is especially disturbing when it's a dude...

Anyway, if anyone else out there needs another My Space friend, and you're not just a "pornbot," feel free to swing by http://www.myspace.com/misterteacher
Tell them Spanky McFartnuts sent you.

************************
Wednesday update:
Seriously, if you do want to make a friend request, send me a note saying Spanky sent you. Otherwise, I might just dismiss you as another random webcam, get-rich-quick, increase my twig and berries, scammer...

Weird Science

Several years ago, I realized that my little third graders just can’t handle free response questions on a science test. So I decided to write my own tests for them, with multiple choice answers—similar to what they would be seeing on benchmarks and TAKS.

In the style of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? there are often a few “silly” answers; choices that I thought nobody would possibly pick. I have used these tests for three years now, and I am continually amazed at my initial cluelessness.

I gave the first such test to my kids this past Friday. The topic was plants and photosynthesis, and the second question was:

Where do plants get the energy to make their own food?
A) Fruit
B) The Sun
C) Gasoline
D) Mister Teacher

Many of the kids, when they saw my name up there, snickered and pointed. But four kids (out of 37) CHOSE ME!!!! And one of them is in the Talented and Gifted program!! Yeah, like I go around the world endowing plants with life force, gently whispering, “Grow…Grow little seedlings!!”

One boy did choose gasoline. Maybe he was thinking of those new John Deere roses…

There are only 5 questions on the test, so some kids finish quickly, while others are more ponderous. So in order not to have a bunch of kids getting into trouble while their classmates finished, I told them that when they finished the test, they could write on the back. Write something they had learned, or write a little story about the topic we had studied. Only a few kids did this, but they were very interesting submissions.

One little girl wrote this:
“Dear piece of paper,
Today we took a sience test and a math test to. This test is very important to me and I do not want to fail so Lord plese help me pass.”

Another girl wove all of the silly answers into a story:
“Ther was a monkey calld Mr. Teacher that like lime juice that he eat a kind of seed then he got sik.”

They blinded me! With… well, whatever the opposite of Science is….

E Pluribus Unum -- Latin for "Don't drop the soap??"

Our topic for the week has been counting and adding money. The kids have to identify a coin and its value from a picture, and then give a total amount.
Today, we were going over the homework, and I noticed that one of the problems had coins that were all showing a tail side. There was a quarter, a dime, and a nickel. I pointed this out to the kids, and advised that they would need to be able to recognize the tail images as well as the heads to get money questions right. We agreed that the quarter has an image of an eagle, and the dime shows a picture of a torch. Then I asked what the image on the back of the nickel was. Most of the kids shouted out, “The White House!” but in my afternoon class, a little boy named H shouted out, “That’s the big jail house!”

Sadly, no. A nickel might be hourly wage for someone living in the big jail house, but it does not display such an image.

H had another hilarious insight today in a comment he made to my partner, Mrs. Educator. Mrs. E was wearing a horizontally striped black and white long-sleeve shirt. H told her, “You look like one of those guys who goes…” And here he proceeded to pretend he was pushing on an invisible wall.

Marcel Marceau, the third grader…

The Google Gourmet

If you use a stat counter site like Statcounter.com, as I do, then you are able to see who is visiting your blog, as well as where they came from.
I don't mean that you get a report that says "Richard Fredrick from 123 Evergreen Terrace visited today at 3:45!"
But you do get a city, country, and ISP address, as well as the link that the person clicked to get there. For instance, if someone followed the link to this blog from the page where my book is being sold, it lists the referring link as http://www.lulu.com/misterteacher. If they clicked on a link from Mike in Texas' blog, it gets listed as http://educationintexas.blogspot.com.
If someone surfs over to Learn Me Good as a result of a Google search, or a search from any directory, I get to see the search parameters that led them to me. And here's where my interest (concern?) is piqued.

I have noticed a LOT of hits that relate to two posts I have put up in the past few months. The first one dealt with the email that I received advising me that I could receive millions of dollars if I jus sent this guy a few pieces of personal information. The name of the guy who supposedly made me this offer is Dr. Nicholas Chile (go ahead, look back in the archives and confirm). There have been an unusual number of hits made from a search of "Nicholas Chile," and most of them are outside of the US! I guess this guy is wanted in Vietnam, Bangladesh, Bengal, etc, because they're all searching for him!

The other query of interest is more disturbing. I put up a post over the summer about kids abusing their bathroom privileges, and I titled it "Doing the pee-pee dance." There have been an alarming number of visitors to my site that have arrived there by way of search strings like "students cannot hold their bladder," or "students go pee pee." Sounds like a fetish, if you ask me.

One thing this definitey proves though is that the search engines ARE crawling my blog. So, in the interest of attracting a few more random visitors, I'm going to just throw out a few hot key words and sit back and watch the traffic roll in:

Yeti
Pinch hitter
Atkins diet
Suri Cruise
The Lost Continent of Atlantis
Crunk
Oprah's Book Club
Basalmic vinegar
Intercourse, Pennsylvania

The Man Show?

There was an editorial in The Dallas Morning News last week titled “Men in the Classroom.” Despite the way it sounds, this was NOT just some poorly imagined sequel to Men in Black, or a spin-off from rock super sensation Men without Hats.

The editorial cites the National Education Association as saying that the prototypical male in the public school classroom has become “a dwindling breed,” and that in some schools, “all the male teachers on staff could car pool in a Corvette.”

First of all, when I hear the phrase “dwindling breed,” I think of screech owls or sea manatees, NOT the hairier side of homo erectus. And at MY school, there are quite a few male teachers, so we cannot in fact all pile into a Corvette – trust me, we’ve tried. We decided we would need to car pool in a stretch Hummer, and even then, we would need to be accompanied by some clown music to really feel the moment.

Some nitwit wrote a letter to the editor a few days ago on the subject, where he suggested that a whole generation of men entered the teaching profession almost 40 years ago in order to escape the US military draft. He stated that this group is now reaching retirement age, and THAT is why there are so few men in the classroom. He even went so far as to say that the US should reinstitute a draft, and THAT would drive men back into teaching.

Did I call this guy a nitwit? I was being far too generous. I try to keep this blog family-friendly, so I won’t write any other names for him here, but here’s a hint. It rhymes with plum-guts.

Yeah, that’s certainly the reason that I personally became a teacher. To avoid being drafted into the military. Actually, I did it to avoid being drafted into the local Applebee’s dish-washing staff. THAT was a close call!!

In closing, I am going to post a couple of groan-inspiring wordplay one-liners that I received from my sister-in-law today.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Pimp My Blog

You may or may not have noticed, but I have received my first endorsement deal! Check out the top of the sidebar on the right hand side, and you will see a link to Hotel Ninja, my new primary sponsor! (And on the topic--please continue to click those Google ads and use that Google search bar!)
The guy who runs Hotel Ninja (a site that allows web-users to find inexpensive and accomodating hotel arrangements--not just in Dallas) sent me an email saying he'd pay me in exchange for a link up on the site. I said, Mmmm, OK! So go and check it out, especially if you are doing any travelling.
And this opens the door for more corporate sponsors! So feel free to contact me with your best offers, Coca-Cola, Nike, and Pizza Hut! Heck, I'd even throw up a link for K-Swiss if you greased my palm enough! But no ads for Red Bull. I mean, I DO have standards, you know.



On a graver note, Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter died this weekend. The guy was nuts, but he was a lot of fun to watch, and he will be missed. Let's all raise a glass and have a solemn "Crikey" in his honor...

Embracing your inner vegetable

Earlier this week, one of my kids gave me a drawing of Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales fame. Which was really sweet of him. He’s a good kid.
I did think it a bit inappropriate that Larry was wearing a thong in the picture, though.
No, I’m just kidding. Actually, he was dressed as Sherlock Holmes. I’ve never seen him in this attire; it must be from a movie that my nephew does not have. Larry the Cable Cucumber Guy, perhaps?

I witnessed an unusual exchange between the boy who drew the picture and another boy in my class today. Apparently, at lunch time, they had both told each other (through a third party) that they did not want to be each other’s friend, and they had both broken into tears upon hearing the news. When I pulled them out into the hallway after recess to find out what had happened, I got the story, and I gave them the typical “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” speech. I told them that if neither of them had said anything, neither of them would have had a cry. Little J (the artist), on the verge of tears again, said to C (“What number comes after R?”) “I’m sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” C responded by throwing his arms around J in a full-on bear hug, complete with back thumping. It was a moment worthy of John Belushi himself, though very sweet. And totally hilarious.

Have a great Labor Day weekend, and be sure to wear white on Tuesday!!

Alas poor Pluto, we knew you well

My Very Energetic Mother Served Us Nine…

And then there were eight. Pluto, long-time resident of the low end of the heavenly totem pole, has officially been stripped of its planet status.

Said Pluto, when reached for comment at his summer cottage, “Somebody gonna pay for this. Did Neptune do this? I’ma kill that sucka.”

Pluto has always been derided by its space-mates, as is clear through folklore:

“All of the other planets
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Pluto
Play in any planet games.”

According to initial reports, the Solar System was considering adding 3 other orbiting space objects to the established 9, thus forming a “Super Conference,” much like the ACC (Atlantic coast Conference) did back in 2004. This wreaked havoc with the basketball schedule, but it really brought in the football revenue and opened the door to new Bowl games.
However, those plans have been ditched, and now Pluto and its largest moon Charon, along with large rocks Ceres and Xena (sure to be a hit with the interplanetary lesbian crowd) will be given token status as “dwarf planets.” This will undoubtedly raise the ire of several political correctness groups, and my guess is within a year we will be referring to them as “planets of reduced diameter.”

I guess we will have to teach our students a new mnemonic. I hereby suggest the following:

Most Valuable Eight Maintain Status, Unleash Ninth.

According to some early reports, Mel Gibson’s father has already begun to promote the word that there have always only been eight planets.

Ironically enough, Uranus is still considered worthy of planetary status.

Come one, come all!

Hey everyone,
My book signing is one week from today -- August 26 at 2 p.m. at the Borders in Old Town. If you are in the area, or know anyone who is, please come on out, or ask them to come on out! I will be reading several chapters from Learn Me Good, signing copies, and generally trying not to look completely foolish.
Plus, there will be free bookmarks! How's THAT for an incentive!!

In the beginning...

Wow, what a week! I hope that everyone has had a great first week! Especially if you work in Texas, where the afternoon temperature hasn't dipped below 100 degrees!
Here are some of the highlights from the third grade at MY school:

• One kid was suspended. (Already!!)
• One kid went home with a bloody head.
• One kid fell into a sink hole.

Can't wait to see what happens next!!

Did I say 13??

No worries, my bliss was not to last long. My class expanded to 20 today. I now have by far the biggest 3rd grade class at the school.

And we have our work cut out for us. I asked one little boy today to start with 1, and write the numbers in order on his paper, as high as he could count. He called me over a few minutes later to ask, "What comes after 'R'?"

Ooooooooh boy.

What would Mister Windu do?

Thank you all very much for the kind words and compliments. Hopefully I will be able to post from time to time--like right now!

I hope that everyone in the state of Texas (and anyone else who has already started school) had a great first day! Mine was pretty good--only 13 kids in my homeroom! I'll probably be up to 22 in a couple of weeks, but today was nice.

I just have to wonder how long it will take some of us to start paraphrasing Samuel L. Jackson from Snakes on a Plane. I can almost already hear the cries of...

"I've had it with these @#!**%#@! kids in this @#!**%#@! Classroom!!"

All good things...

I hate to do this. Believe me—I REALLY hate to do this. But I’ve put a lot of thought into it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I just really don’t have much choice.
The throat problem does not seem to be resolving itself. Nor does the carpal tunnel syndrome. Since speaking and typing were my two means of updating this blog on a somewhat regular basis, it makes it difficult and/or painful to continue.
Not to mention the fact that with the school year starting up, I will need my voice and my wrists for many things other than humor blogging.
So until someone discovers a way to input data with their knees (at which, no doubt, I would promptly develop bursitis or tendonitis or something), I must regrettably put this blog on hold.
I don’t want to say I’ll never do it again, because I’ve really enjoyed it. But as of now, as Mister Teacher, I have to go on indefinite leave.
I may still swing by some of the other blogs in the edusphere and drop a comment from time to time, but posts on Learn Me Good will be few and far between.
In the meantime, please see the picture below, as this will be my attire-of-choice for next Monday, our first day of classes.
Thanks for reading, and good luck to everyone with their new students!!

Sincerely,

Mister Teacher

The North Texas Diet

I just got back from spending about one and a half hours at the grocery store, exploring sections I had never in my life visited.
I’ve still been suffering from my non-cold sore throat, so yesterday I went to a nutritionist/chiropractor recommended by some people my mom knows from church. I had already been to my own doctor, and he had discovered nothing, so I figured why not give something new a shot?
The visit was very interesting. I of course had my neck and back cracked—I think that’s just standard practice for a chiropractor—but I also underwent some new and unusual muscle tests and analysis. The guy was very knowledgeable and friendly, but I’m getting to the bad part.
I’ve been put on a very strict diet for the next two weeks. Actually, I was given a list of things that I CAN eat, and a list of things I CANNOT eat during these two weeks. You can guess which list all of the good food is on.
This is supposed to be the initial step in testing for food allergies. But it makes it incredibly difficult to find something I can eat!! For instance, milk and wheat are on the list of things not to eat. This means I cannot have favorites such as ice cream, cheese, or bread of any kind. But what I discovered at the store today is that it is next to impossible to find ANYTHING that doesn’t have milk or wheat in it!!!
I have never ever in my life stood in the grocery store aisles and perused the ingredients charts. But I did today. And easily 2/3 of what I picked up to examine went right back on the shelf.
Here are some other things that I cannot consume:
Orange juice
Corn
Beer or malt beverages
Soft drinks (this will be like Lent come early)
Peanuts—which I LOVE!!
Beef, pork, and shellfish
Chocolate
And here’s the kicker. The one thing I will strive to avoid for 2 weeks, but which I will absolutely NOT be willing or able to give up for the rest of my life…
KETCHUP

I’m sorry, but as Meatloaf once crooned—“But I won’t do that.” Come to think of it, meatloaf is on the non-no list as well. Coincidence??
And while I’m quoting celebrities, let me throw my hat in with one of my fellow Virginians, Patrick Henry, who said, Give me Ketchup, or give me death!” Actually, he used the word “Liberty,” but what most folks don’t realize is that Liberty was the Colonial version of Heinz.

Here are a few things that I CAN eat:
Rice
Oats
Potatoes
Turkey, chicken, and fish
Rice milk and coconut milk
Water
Wild game is also listed under Meats. I guess this means I can enjoy a nice zebra burger or rhino nuggets. Maybe on a bed of oats?
I’ll just have to be creative, that’s all. Maybe simulate a nice juicy cheeseburger by using a turkey-burger patty, slapped between two rice cakes, with a thin slice of tofu on top?

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go enjoy a nice tall glass of cool, crisp rice milk.
Bon apetit!