Accountable Counting

This year, the Dallas school district has made a really big point of stressing "accountable talk" among the children. This means that the kids are supposed to explain how they got their answers and discuss their strategies with the other students.

This is often quite difficult for many of my kids, since they are used to just saying a number when I ask a question or shouting NOOO! at another kid when they disagree with his or her answer.

Frequently, I will say, "Please raise your hand if you know the answer," and 15 hands will shoot up. But when I add, "and if you can explain to me how you got your answer," 12 of those hands go back down.

Anyway, the kids have lists of accountable talk prompts taped to their desks to help them remember how to begin.

These prompts include:

"I got my answer by ____________."

"To solve this problem, first I _______________, then I ______________."

"I'd like to add more to what __________ said."

To be honest, my kids very rarely begin their sentences any of these ways. However, the two prompts that they really DO seem to have latched on to are the ones that begin with, "I agree with __________" and, "I disagree with ______________."

So it was very funny to hear the way in which these prompts came into play on Wednesday of this past week.

We were completing a name graph in the Everyday Math journal. To construct this bar graph, we had to first create a tally chart that showed the number of letters in people's first names. I was standing at the center of the class asking the kids to raise their hands if they had 4 letters in their first name, 5 letters in their first name, etc.

When I got to the "10 or more" category, I had one little girl who raised her hand, saying she had 11 letters in her name.

With our tally chart completed, we moved on to the next step, but that's when a boy in my class raised his hand and said, "I disagree with her, because I counted the letters in her name, and there are only 10 letters in her name."

Immediately, the little girl raised her hand and retorted, "I disagree with him, because I know how to spell my name, and there are 11 letters in my name."

Let no one say that my kids aren't talking accountably...

This has gone too far

Call me a cheapskate, but I hate tipping. I WILL tip, for certain professions, but I still hate doing it. When I go out to eat, I try to tip between 20 and 30%, and when I get my hair cut, I always tip two bucks.

But now, I've noticed a tip jar in a place where a tip jar has absolutely no business whatsoever. Without getting into too many specifics, there is a lady at our school who performs a certain necessary function for all of the teachers. This is a function that teachers used to be able to do for themselves; however, a couple of years ago, our collective hand was slapped away from the cookie jar, and this woman was brought in to regulate things.

This week, she had a tip jar placed directly in front of her IN tray. Kind of hard not to notice it there, especially since it had been primed with a couple of bucks already.

Now maybe it's just me, and my crotchety old-fashioned ways, but I don't think it's right for someone in this position to be petitioning for tips. She does get a salary, after all. And you don't see ME holding my hand out to other teachers for money when I deliver new math materials to their classroom. Or shaking the jar at the children when I've taught a particularly well thought out lesson.

Maybe it's just a sign of the times.

Mmmmmm... Traffic donut

As I was walking back into the school this morning at 7:45 (leaving poor Anonymous Joe all alone to fend for himself amongst the mad rush out on the street), one of my students came running up to me and handed me a donut!

How sweet is that!!

Oh, and also, one of my little girls handed me a ziploc bag with a nice big piece of cake in it. She had baked it for me in her Easy Bake Oven! She didn't look injured, and the cake tasted great!

Red letter dates

I just learned yesterday that my column online at education.com will make its first appearance on Tuesday, October 23. I had petitioned to title the column "No Child Left Befuddled," but unfortunately, the editors thought that title might leave a few readers befuddled. So instead, the column will be titled "Mr. Teacher."

So mark your calendars! October 23, and every Tuesday after that for the first seeable future. Or until I just plain run out of ideas.

Also, there are less than two weeks left to get in on the free T-shirt offer that goes with my YouTube Challenge! Just leave a comment on one of my videos (or all four for more entries), and you will automatically be entered for a chance to win a shirt!

October 15 is when the drawing will be drawed... or something like that.

Sharp dressed man

Just like September is now over, so too is our privilege of "summer dress code." As of today, we had to wear our OFFICIAL teacher dress code, which is pantyhose for women and ties for men.

Never before in years past do I remember getting so many comments and compliments from the kids! My homeroom class didn't say a lot when they saw me this morning, but at 10:30 when we switched classes, Mrs. Jenn Ed's class had a lot to say!

"Nice tie!"

"You look great today!"

"I like your shirt!"

"Handsome!"

"You look like a businessman!"

"Is that 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound bag??"

I just threw that last one in as an example of the kind of thing that was NOT said to me today. Everything was very positive!

So here's to the new dress code! And here's to the temperatures staying below 100° while I have to wear a tie!!!

Future fender benders

Today on the way to the cafeteria, I ran into a stumbling block. Getting the kids to lunch this year has been a logistical nightmare. All of third-grade and all of second-grade go at exactly the same time. The third-grade classes walk down their hallway and make a left-hand turn into the main hallway, but then they're expected to be on the right hand side of the hall to enter the proper cafeteria door. The second-grade classes come into the main hallway from outside and are expected to be on the left-hand side of the hall to enter THEIR cafeteria door.

Somewhere in there, the lines have to cross, and as Egon said in Ghostbusters, "Crossing the streams would be bad."

So today, I find myself stuck at the corner, with a wall of second graders to somehow get through. So I thought I would suggest taking turns, in much the same way that cars (are supposed to) take turns at a four-way intersection.

I might as well have been speaking Klingon.

Even with me standing right there, trying to direct the kids to cross over, one at a time, NONE of them understood. Every time I told a second grader to cross over, three more would try to follow her. Every time I directed a third grader to cross over, three more would try to walk right past me.

When we had finally gotten past the mixmaster, one of my kids said, "We were kind of like cars in a traffic jam."

To which I had to reply, "If this had been with cars, there would be a huge wreck scene right now."

I am truly worried about the next generation of vehicle operators...

My biscuits are burnin!

Just a general note to everyone --

If you don't have a license to drive a school bus, don't assume that you can operate any of the controls on the school bus either.

When I had dropped off all of my kids at their buses this afternoon after school let out, I noticed that the driver was not present at the bus I monitor. One of the other monitors was inside the bus watching the kids, but she kept complaining about how hot it was. So I figured why have the kids sitting on a sweltering bus, when I could easily turn on the A/C?

So I flipped the knob, and we felt the air coming out of the vents. A couple of minutes later, the driver came back (she had been helping out on another bus), and the bus left.

About half an hour later, I passed the driver in the hall, and she informed me that I had actually turned the heater on.

D'OH!!!

From now on, I'm sticking to my trusty Toyota console...

Inside, outside, upside down

I've been having some back problems lately (OK, ever since summer vacation started back in June), and I've tried a lot of stuff to get rid of it. Not so much to get rid of my back -- I'm kind of going to need that. But to get rid of the back pain.

I had an MRI done in late August, right before the school year started, and it revealed a couple of bulging discs. Nothing requiring surgery, thankfully, but painful and annoying just the same.

I've been to chiropractors, I've tried heat, I've tried ice (I've seen fire, and I've seen rain), and I even tried yoga -- once. I think I might like to go back to that at some point, but my back just isn't ready for it.

But last week, Anonymous Joe let me have an old inversion chair that was cluttering up his back porch. This thing is pretty cool. You hook your knees behind these padded rollers and then swing yourself up and over the apex of the frame so that you're hanging upside down. It really feels kind of cool. You can't do it for too long, or else your eyes will explode (or maybe you'll just get a really bad head rush), but it's kind of soothing and relaxing.

I like to pretend that I'm Batman, or at least some alternate version of Batman who actually hangs upside down like a bat.

Has anyone else tried one of these things? I'd love to hear your story!

A bit of housekeeping

I am currently enjoying a three-day weekend, thanks to the fact that I got my professional development hours over and done with during the summer. So just a few things to blog about today:

1) A reminder that we there is less than one month remaining until the October 15 deadline in the YouTube challenge. If you'd like to win a free T-shirt -- as seen in the sidebar to the right -- all you have to do is leave a comment on one of my videos at YouTube. You can start with this one.

2) Another reminder, the Blogger's Choice Awards end on November 10. So if you have already voted for me, another big thank you, and if you have not yet voted, what are you waiting for? :) Seriously, I appreciate every vote that I receive.

3) I've discovered a new blog worth reading lately, so I thought I'd post a link here and direct traffic that way. Simply Sublime is a good read!

4) And finally, a first-time announcement, rather than a reminder. I have been offered a position as weekly columnist for education.com! I won't start for about another month, so I will certainly have the chance to send out reminders, but I just thought I'd give everyone a heads-up. I'm pretty excited, as they have a rather large readership!

Have a great weekend!

World Series of Taboo

To put it quite simply, I am a Taboo genius. For anyone unfamiliar with Taboo, it's an incredibly fun and addictive party game where one person tries to get his/her teammates to guess a word or phrase while NOT using certain helpful words. I've played this game a lot, and I'm a really good clue giver and also a really good guesser.

And after today, I feel like there should be some venue for me to win large amounts of cash and fabulous prizes with my great guessing ability.

While reading the chapter about the water cycle with my afternoon class, we started discussing one of the vocabulary words -- precipitation. Precipitation is water that falls from the sky in the form of rain, snow, hail, or sleet. The kids didn't know what hail was, so I explained it to them.

Later, while the kids were busy making a little water cycle representation, one of the girls called me over to ask me about something.

"What's that big circle in the sky?" was her leadoff.

"Um, the sun??" I ventured.

"No," she replied. "You know, that big circle in the sky!"

"The moon???"

"No, it kind of spins," she offered helpfully.

Perplexed, I asked, "Is this something that is always in the sky? It's always there?"

"It kind of spins," she reiterated, not so helpfully this time. "I think it starts with an H. Not hailstones... not hailstones..."

"Hurricane??"

"Yeah!!! That's it! Hurricane!!"

And that was that.

I hereby declare myself Master of the Taboo Universe.

I blinded her -- with SCIENCE!!!

Last week, one of my little girls presented me with a very odd statement. We had just returned to my classroom after the restroom break that follows our P.E. period (or, if you prefer, the time formerly known as recess). Which means that it was around 12:45, and this class had already been in my room for an hour before lunch and P.E.

Yet it wasn't until that moment that my student, A, chose to inform me, "Last night, I was watching TV, and it blinded me. I can't see my paper." Her paper, of course, being her piece of scrap paper on her desk, a foot and a half from her face.

As you might imagine, I was a bit skeptical. I mean, when MY television blinds ME late at night, I don't get my vision back temporarily in the morning and then lose it again after lunch. Heck, even Han Solo didn't come out of his Carbonite suspension just fine and then go blind a day later.

So when A persisted and wouldn't do any of her work, I finally took her across the hall to my partner's room and asked if A had done any of her reading and social studies work that morning, or if she had been too blind. Ms. Jenn Ed hadn't noticed any blindness that morning, as I suspected.

In the hallway, before we reentered my classroom, I told A that one of the other third-grade teachers had commented on how nice it was that A had picked some flowers for her during recess... er, I mean P.E. I added that it would be very difficult to pick flowers for someone and give them a nice little bouquet if that someone was vision impaired.

A stared at me blankly (yes, this IS the same girl who calls me Miss Teacher) and finally said, "But some of the flowers were upside down."

Is that one of the sure signs of blindness or something? "Flowers were upside down -- driver's license denied!"

I had a talk with her parent that night, and thankfully, I haven't heard any more claims of blindness...

FROM HER...

The very next day, however, most of our kids went outside for used-to-be-recess, but I kept a small group of misbehaviors inside. When my class came back inside, another little girl -- we'll call her A -- approached me and said, "Mister Teacher, I got pushed down outside on the playground and now I can't see. The nurse said I need to have someone in the classroom to lead me around."

Have I mentioned my kids aren't very original?

Strangely, A had no note from the nurse giving me the aforementioned instructions. And our school nurse ALWAYS sends the kids back with detailed notes to teachers. So I found her claim lacking a bit in an area I like to call "FACT."

Ms. Jenn Ed told me a few moments later that the nurse had indeed sent back a note that said that A was perfectly fine. In fact, I believe her note might have actually said, "No blindness detected whatsoever."

This week, thankfully, there have been no claims of sensory loss. I do wonder about their hearing sometimes though, as so many of them just don't ever listen...

Kill and drill

Apparently, we had a quota to fill today. Three weeks into the school year, and we hadn't done any sorts of drills as a school community.

So today, to make up for that, first we had a fire drill, then we had a lockdown drill. Thankfully, I had some advance warning on the fire drill, so I was able to make my expectations very clear to my class and even have a trial run before the siren went off. During the drill, my class behaved very well.

The lockdown came as a surprise. I hadn't gone over the procedure with my kids, so I had to quickly bark at them, "Get on the floor, under your desks -- no talking!" as I turned the lights off, closed the shades, and locked my door. Some of the kids thought it was a blast to huddle together under their desks, so keeping them quiet was a bit tougher this time around.

After that, I was expecting a tornado drill or a duck and cover or SOMETHING!

Hey, it's not like we were doing much today anyway, right?

A bad seed?

Yesterday, for my science test, I gave the kids a blank sheet of notebook paper and asked them to write down the answers for five review questions at the end of the chapter we had read this week. The chapter was mostly about seeds -- what they contain and how they are spread.

Most of my kids did not understand the whole concept of an open book test. I told them that they could use their book to find the answers by looking back in the chapter we read. While some began flipping back pages to look for the answers, I saw one little girl looking forward into the chapter about lizards and birds. I'm pretty sure that chapter doesn't contain any information about germination or seedlings.

Yet I still saw many of them just making completely random guesses at the answers without using the book. Often, what they wrote didn't even make any sense or did not answer the question. For example, question one was, "What is a seedling?" Roughly twelve kids wrote, "A seedling lives inside every seed." That's nice, but it doesn't tell me what a seedling IS. Just finding a sentence with the word in it does not always answer the question. If I ask someone, "Did the Cowboys win this weekend?" hopefully they will not respond, "The Dallas Cowboys are a professional football organization, located in Irving, Texas."

But my favorite part of grading the tests came with question 3. The question was, "What are some ways that seeds can be spread from one place to another?" Some of the answers to this one really showed that the kids were listening when we were talking about this part. A lot of them copied the caption from the book about cockleburrs latching onto a dogs fur. But one girl took the idea of an animal carrying seeds, and applied it to an animal that isn't listed anywhere in our science book.

"If a jaguar finds an apple and he does not know what it is and he carries it to somewhere else."

Helpful jaguar!!

Another girl wrote, "Some animals can help people carry things." I went ahead and gave her credit for this answer, assuming that by "things," she meant "seeds."

But the best answers came from the kids who remembers our discussion of how birds help spread seeds. There was a picture of a bird standing on a branch that ended in a group of berries. The caption explained that birds eat the berries, swallow the seeds, and the seeds passed through the digestive system unharmed. And thus the bird drops the seeds in a faraway location.

So I got a couple of priceless answers to question 3:

"A bird can eat the seed and can poopoo in another place."

and

"A bird eats the seed and they did their business and the seed falls."

These kids clearly understood the concept! Mr. Bloom, you might need to add another level to your Taxonomy, because these kids are marching up the ladder!

Carnivals are elementary

If it's Wednesday, it must be Carnival Day! This week, the Carnival of Education is hosted over at History Is Elementary.

Don't be a cipher... Go check out the Carnival!

Cipher on the go

Yesterday after school, we had a lengthy staff meeting which consisted of watching three videos in the auditorium. No doubt, after reading that sentence, you are envisioning me sitting strapped to a chair, with my eyelids taped open -- and that's sort of how it felt, seeing as how they are the same three videos we always have to watch, year after year after year.

But I'm not here to talk about those videos. At least not today -- I may have something to say about them in the next couple of days. And I'm not even here to shamelessly plug my OWN videos.

Today, I'm interested in discussing a film that one of those videos reminded me of; a short film that I saw all the way back when I was in grade school. It was called Cipher in the Snow.

If you have ever seen this movie -- Cipher in the Snow -- PLEASE leave a comment and let me know that I am not the only one who was traumatized thusly as a child!

It was so long ago, that I don't remember ALL of the details of the movie, but the opening scene is really what stands out. A school bus drives down a deserted country lane, surrounded by snow-covered fields. The bus comes to a stop, and the doors open. A kid, around 10 years old, slowly trudges down the steps and out of the bus. He takes a couple of steps away from the bus and then falls on his face in the snow, dead as a door nail.

(Cue the Law and Order sound effect: DUN DUNN!!)

The rest of the movie is a flashback, as I recall, showing the events that led to this nerd's tragic demise. Excuse me, this CIPHER'S tragic demise. You see, the poor, doomed lad was a social outcast -- friend to no one -- and his lack of self-esteem eventually manifested itself as a blood clot the size of an ostrich egg. Or at least, it led to his death.

Yeah, we watched some strange movies at my tiny little elementary school. Between Cipher in the Snow, with its foreboding existentialism, and Peege, with its gratuitous scenes of the old grandmother slowly gumming her chocolate pudding, it's a wonder I can even set foot into a darkened auditorium.

But I really am getting tired of that stupid sexual-harassment video...

Measurable growth

I have decided that one way or the other, my students this year will have some sort of measurable growth. So far, here in the third week of the school year, many of them are choosing NOT to exercise their "brain muscle," and so I'm not sure how much mental growth they'll be displaying.

However, for these kids especially, there will definitely be physical growth -- I decided last week to begin implementing push-ups in the classroom. Already I could tell that taking away minutes from recess or taking away prize potential wasn't having much of an effect on some of these kids. So I've adopted the mentality of "drop and give me ten."

I have a feeling that a few of these kids might be resembling Conan the Third-Grader before the school year is over, if they keep on their current pace.

Today turned out to be a push-up bonanza when we graded our place value test from last week. I have my own policy for test grading. Really early in my teaching career, I got tired of handing tests back with grades on them and then seeing hardly any kids paying attention as we went over the questions together. So I decided to do things slightly differently. When I grade the tests, I don't put any marks on them -- I just record the grade in my gradebook. So when I hand the tests back to the kids, I tell them that I already know the grades. We're going to grade them together, and when we're done, I'm going to ask them what grade they got. If their grade matches my grade, then I'll know that they were paying attention. If their grade DOESN'T match my grade, then I'll know they were NOT paying attention -- and they'll owe me 25 push-ups.

After having explained all of that up front, I was amazed this morning at how many kids received a workout for their pecs. In my second class, THIRTEEN OUT OF TWENTY-ONE did not have the correct grade on their paper!! And what's worse, half of them got up laughing and talking about how much they love to do push-ups.

Maybe it's time to introduce push-up's twin brother, sit-up. And if that doesn't work, it'll be time for push-up's redheaded step cousin, leg lifts...

They call me Mister Teacher

I have a little girl in my class this year, I'll call her A, who doesn't quite seem all there. She's a sweet enough little girl, and in the first two weeks, she appears to be doing all right academically. However, there are frequently times when I talk to her face to face, and I can tell that there is just no comprehension there whatsoever.

Case in point, she ALWAYS calls me "Miss Teacher." She's not being malicious or trying to cut me down, she just feels for some reason that that's what she should be calling me. When I try to explain to her that I am a man, and therefore I should be addressed as "Mister," she gets a puzzled look on her face, as if I was telling her that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were not real.

I thought for a while that perhaps she just called everyone Miss, and was completely unfamiliar with any other prefix. But that was disproven a couple of days into the school year when her aunt dropped her off in the morning in front of the school, and she ran by us yelling, "Good morning, Mister Anonymous! Good morning, Miss Teacher!!"

Maybe it's just me. I do consider myself to be somewhat manly looking, though. I don't think that she actually views me as a female. So I'm just at a loss as to why she can't understand why I would be MISTER Teacher.

I just can't shake the image running through my head of what would happen if I lined up a bunch of people and let her to greet all of them.

"Good morning, Mister Bilingual!

Good morning, Doctor Cheesy!

Good morning, Professor Plum!

Good morning, Monsignor Cross!

Good morning, Special Agent Johnson!

Good morning, Second Leftenant Fielder!

Good morning, Miss Teacher!"

Ugh. In another instance of school policy that A didn't seem to understand, I noticed that she was writing notes at her desk while we were going over the homework. When I told her that she needed to be paying attention and grading along with us, she looked shocked, and replied, "But I was writing a note to YOU!" I told her that that was very sweet of her, but that she needed to do that at home, not during math class. Still affronted, she continued, "It's a note about how you're my favorite teacher!"

I finally convinced her to stop writing notes and to pay attention in class, but I still get the feeling that she didn't understand the reasoning behind her actions.

Oh well, at any rate, I'll probably be getting a very lovely note tomorrow morning along the lines of,

"You're the best ever, Miss Teacher!!"

The Rainman cometh

Cloud break.

Gully washer.

Torrential downpour.

All of these terms could have been used to describe the rainfall this morning. After an incredibly soggy Texas summer, we had a couple of weeks with nary a drop of H2O falling from the sky. But that was broken over the past 24 hours, as many of us had an inkling to look up cubits and start building an ark.

My drive into work this morning wasn't that bad, but I am incredibly thankful that God invented golf umbrellas, because if I hadn't had mine, I think I would STILL be soaked and shivering.

Between 7:15 and 7:45 this morning, the rain fell down harder and faster than Michigan football in the polls. The street out in front of the school was practically a river (or as people down here say, a "crick"), and at times, I almost invoked the good name of the Gorton's fisherman to come and loan me his trademark outfit.

And for some reason, the heavy rain did NOT in the least cause a decline in the crazy driving out there. One guy parked his car in the middle of the street, and got out to walk his daughter across the other lane and onto the sidewalk. Even with me shouting, "Sir, you need to move your car -- there are six cars behind you!" he just nodded at me and said, "I know," and then proceeded to do exactly what he was already doing.

Oh well, I'd still take that crosswalk job over the gym monitoring job any day of the week. It might be wetter, but it's still a lot more fun.

Popular Page

Wow, it would seem that my "Welcome to school" letter post from last week is quite the attention getter! The number of hits to my blog has risen dramatically over the past week, and over half of them are as a result of search engine queries looking specifically for such a letter. Well, perhaps those people were looking for a more serious welcome letter, but they served on in to my version.

At least I finally have a search string that is beating out the infamous "kids go pee pee" related searches...

Just as a reminder, you can still enter to win a free T-shirt (selections seen in the sidebar) by checking out my Learn Me Good YouTube videos, and posting a comment. You can get up to four entries by posting a comment on each of the four videos. The deadline for entry is October 15, but don't wait until the last minute!

Also, please vote for Learn Me Good at the Blogger's Choice Awards!!!

I chew-chew-chews you

Last week, I did an introductory science experiment with my classes. It was called the Bubble Gum Lab. In addition to the fact that it was listed on our curriculum planning guide, I thought it was important to conduct this experiment because of a question that popped up on last year's science benchmark test.

"Mrs. Flower's class was conducting a bubble gum experiment. They wanted to see what would happen to the mass of a piece of bubble gum when it is chewed. What is the best hypothesis for this experiment?

A) the mass of the bubble gum will increase.
B) the mass of the bubble gum will decrease.
C) the mass of the bubble gum will stay the same.
D) the mass of the bubble gum will change color."

I might not have gotten the wording of the question exactly right, but it did basically boil down to, "Which would be the best hypothesis?" Now my fellow science teachers can help me out here, but I'm pretty sure that when it comes to hypotheses, there really are no better or worse. A hypothesis is merely a prediction that you hope to prove or disprove over the course of your experiment. If you already knew what was going to happen, you wouldn't be making a hypothesis -- you would be stating a conclusion or a fact.

So it seems to me that this is a horrendous question. But since I am merely a commonplace third-grade teacher (ie, lowly peon), no one who actually writes these tests listens or responds when I bring this up.

SO, when I saw the Bubble Gum Lab listed as an opening week activity, I decided that my kids should definitely have the experience and know the conclusion, just in case this awful question rears its head once again on the benchmark.

On Thursday, I passed out spiral notebooks to be used as science journals, and together, we wrote out all of the introductory steps. Problem, hypothesis, materials, procedure. The hypothesis was, "I think that the mass of the bubble gum will _____________ when it is chewed." I let each kid fill in their own blank with their own opinion, with the choices being increase, decrease, or stay the same. Thankfully, no one even suggested "change color" as an option. When I took a quick poll in each class, the three options all had takers, and there was no overwhelming favorite.

On Friday, we actually carried out the experiment. I'm sure that the intention of the original writers of this lab was to have each individual child weigh their unchewed piece of gum, then again weigh their piece of gum after each minute of chewing, but I calculated that if we did it that way, it would take us roughly 217,089 minutes of class time. I figured we didn't really have that much time, so I decided that all of the kids would be able to do the chewing part, but that everyone could watch as I weighed my piece of gum each time.

So I borrowed a triple-beam balance from the fifth-grade science lab (yes, for our THIRD grade experiment, a triple-beam balance was indeed specified). And I went out and bought a few packs of Orbitz chewing gum.

When I pulled the packs out of my desk and started to unwrap the container, several kids called out, "What flavor did you get?" I replied, "Lemon-lime," and suddenly there was a unified chorus going, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!"

You would have thought that I had just parachuted out of a helicopter and into the classroom, holding a ginormous bag of cash in one hand and a PlayStation 3 in the other.

I had somebody pass out a piece of gum to everyone, while I set the balance up on a table in front of everyone. The first step of our procedure was to unwrap the piece of gum, so we all did that, and no less than eight kids in each class held the wrapper up to their nose, inhaled deeply, and then shuddered with satisfaction. I know it sounds vulgar, but it really did remind me of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, sniffing a pair of unmentionables after the panty raid on the girls' dormitory.

Moving on from that disturbing image, the kids held onto their gum while I weighed my piece on the balance in front of them. I called out the measurement, and everybody wrote the number down into their Results table in their science journals.

Then we started chewing. We used the red second hand on the wall clock to chew for exactly one minute. At the end of one minute, everyone took the piece back out of their mouth, and the kids held their own pieces of gum while I weighed mine.

During this time, many of the kids commented on the flavor of the gum. There was one or two comments along the lines of, "Thanks, Mister Teacher -- this gum tastes great!" But most of the comments were more like, "This tastes SOOOOOOO good...." -- spoken in a tone of voice that I would more commonly relate to a nicotine addict who has involuntarily gone an entire weekend without access to their smokes.

After the first minute, we chewed for another minute and weighed again. Chew, weigh, record. Chew, weigh, record. Lather, rinse, repeat. We did this until we had officially chewed the gum for five minutes.

And you know what our conclusion was? It certainly wasn't what I was expecting. The mass of the gum DECREASED -- by about half of its original mass!

With my morning class, I let the kids continue to chew their gum until it was time to switch to their other teacher. Then I held the trash can for them to spit out their gum as they filed past me out the door. However, my afternoon class and I finished the experiment at about 2:55, so we really hustled to get everything ready to get out to the buses to go home, and I forgot to have them spit out their gum before they left.

As we were walking down the hall to get outside, the PE coach noticed, and asked one of the kids, "So they're letting you chew gum now?" I heard him and replied, "Yeah, it's for science."

Like that's just the world's greatest blanket explanation for everything.

If my kids picked up on that, I can imagine hearing about this conversation next week:

Teacher: Did you just kick him in the privates??
Student: Yeah, it's for science.
Teacher: Oh, OK then. Carry on.

At any rate, it was a nice way to end what had been a very frustrating first week of school. And who knows, maybe my kids even learn something -- I know I did. Now we'll just see if that awful question pops up once again on the benchmark test, or if someone with sense has actually changed it.

Calgon, take me away!!!

Only four days into the new school year, and already I am flustered. Maybe I just forget every year exactly how hard it is to get the ball rolling once again, or maybe I just didn't prepare well enough over the past few weeks, or perhaps, like the Grinch, my heart is just three sizes too small. I kind of doubt it's the last one though.

But at any rate, I find my patience being greatly tested. I thought that the first week or two of school is supposed to be the "honeymoon period," but if what I have seen so far is GOOD behavior, then I'm very worried about what the future holds.

I have 21 kids in my morning class, and 18 and my afternoon class. A rather large number of these kids can be classified as "challenges." And the majority of them don't seem to be anywhere near the point of shaking off the summer stupor. The math work that we have done so far this week hasn't been difficult in the least, yet I've had to cajole even the simplest responses out of most of these kids.

For instance, when we tackled our first word problem on Tuesday, we read the problem together as a class, and then I asked, "Who can raise their hand and tell me one of the important numbers and units we see in this problem?"

Three hands were slowly raised, while everyone else blinked in confusion as if a flash-bang grenade had been thrown into the room. Actually, I take that back. There were only a few looks of confusion. There were a lot more kids who were just dully staring at me with a look in their eyes that clearly said, "Just call on someone who's raising their hand, and leave the rest of us alone."

I'm talking no effort whatsoever here. To a question that basically amounts to, "Say the number that you see printed before you." I couldn't help but think about the old Saturday Night Live Celebrity Jeopardy skit where the fake Alex Trebek would throw up his hands in desperation and shout, "Just say any number, it doesn't matter what it is!"

It's incredibly frustrating. And I go to school every day wanting to be the fun, inspirational teacher who gets the kids excited about math and who always has a fun, hands-on activity planned. Along the lines of a Ms. Frizzle. But then I get bogged down in the enforcement of the rules. When I have to literally repeat everything that I say 3 to 7 times because everyone is not listening, and as soon as I break eye contact with one kid, they tune out. When it takes us 45 minutes to read one page out of the science book, because nearly every time I call on someone to read, they don't know where we are because they weren't following along in their book. When I state, for the fifth time in under 10 minutes, "I need you all to read along with your eyes in the book while someone is reading out loud. I don't want to see anyone looking around the room, playing with their pencils, or looking at me while someone else is reading" -- yet as soon as the reader begins again, there are no less than four children staring into space.

Man, this has just turned into a complaining rant. I think that I'm an effective teacher, but I'm not a great classroom manager. Maybe if I taught somewhere where I had a class of kids who actually followed the rules, with only one or two behavior problems, where I could spend most of my time actually teaching, I would feel more confident in my abilities. But sometimes I just feel like I'm slogging through quicksand, wearing concrete boots.

One concrete example of the lack of problem-solving capacity that I am already facing this year, and then I'm out of here. One of the girls in my afternoon class came into my room bawling yesterday. I escorted her out into the hallway and away from the class to give her some room and some time to compose herself while the rest of the class got settled in and started on the bell ringer activity. Then I went back out to talk with her about what was going on.

She told me that she was crying because she had gotten in trouble for talking in the hall. I asked her, quite rationally I thought, what she could maybe do to prevent that from happening again. She stared at me, dumbfounded. I prompted her, "Do you have any ideas?" She just gave me that minuscule shoulder shrug that seems to speak volumes. "You got in trouble for talking in the hallway, right?" I asked her. When she nodded, I continued, "So what do you think you should do so that you DON'T get into trouble again?"

Nothing. She had absolutely no answer for me. And it's not like she was being sullen and refusing to speak. She really and truly didn't have any clue on how she could avoid getting into trouble for talking in the hall.

The really sad thing is, this girl seems like she is one of the brighter kids in my class…

Carnival Review!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, flora and fauna of all ages -- step right up to the 134th edition of the Carnival of Education! This time it's hosted over at Matthew K Tabor's place, and it's chock-full of educational goodness!

And not only that, but directly in front of the Carnival is Matthew's outstanding review of my book, Learn Me Good!! Sure, I've linked to his page, but I don't think he'll mind too much if I just outright snatch the words from his page and copy them here...



Published by Matthew August 29th, 2007

Learn Me Good, John Pearson
211 pages, 2006; ISBN-13: 978-1-4116-6589-7

Jack Woodson isn’t your typical elementary school teacher. First, he’s a man; second, he’s not an idealist fresh out of college; and third, he “has forty children, and all of them have different mothers.”

But that’s education blogger John Pearson’s identity in Learn Me Good, an irreverent, anecdotal look at life as a first-year elementary teacher.

Jack Woodson was the unfortunate victim of job cuts at Heat Pumps Unlimited. Faced with finding a new job that made use of his engineering credentials, Woodson decides to take a hard right turn into the world of third grade mathematics. What he discovered, endured and laughed about during that first year in the trenches is the basis for Learn Me Good.

Woodson would want you to know that in those trenches he’s a Lieutenant commanding a platoon of rag-tag 8 and 9 year olds, all of whom are armed to the teeth with four-function math skills. Oh, and he’s got the weirdest case of trenchfoot anyone has ever seen. Who knew that graham cracker crumb residue could manifest itself into an infection? At least it’s a sweet-smelling infection…

Such is the style and tone of Woodson’s e-mails to former colleague Fred Bommerson, greeted throughout the book as F-Bomm, Fredster, and Big Poppa Heat Pump, to name a few. In e-mail after e-mail, Woodson describes classroom scenarios that cause him to shake his head, drop his jaw, laugh out loud and everything in between.

The supporting cast of characters in Learn Me Good give Woodson plenty of opportunity to reflect on the quirks of teaching in an elementary school. There are adult oddballs like the district employee who checks Woodson’s students for vision problems - but not before selling the third-graders on the coolness of glasses by proclaiming, “I think glasses are SEXY!” Though Woodson takes the surprise in stride, he can’t help but tell Fred that it was awkward and nothing short of “airing a commercial for Bacardi rum in the middle of an episode of Sesame Street.”

But Woodson doesn’t just pluck the low-hanging comical fruits. He humanizes – or is it humorizes? – students like Esteban, an energetic kid who enthusiastically yells answer after answer without stopping to think whether they’re right [he also has a penchant for filling in test bubbles randomly]. And even the terrors such as the “clinically insane” Chandra, whom Woodson affectionately nicknames “Lucifer,” are regarded no worse than “bad data points” when they clearly have earned the status of a public school urban legend.

It’s not all humor and pop culture references, though. Pearson exposes his energy, command of pedagogy, and curriculum on nearly every page. He doesn’t sweat the small stuff. His blood pressure is largely stable. He isn’t political, doesn’t wail out diatribes on No Child Left Behind and isn’t out to reform the American education system.

Woodson wants to understand the quiet ones, the Spanish speakers and the hyperactive-but-harmless. He just wants to teach and love his kids the best he can and he’s going to do it with a smile.

Purists of the written word may lament the e-mail structure of the book. Pearson avoids a novel-like progression and goes with a unique schema that, while fresh and surprisingly effective, lends itself to reading in short bursts instead of chapter sessions. A particular omission in that structure is the lack of replies from Fred Bommerson; though the character of Woodson sums up Fred’s reactions in the beginning of his e-mails, a few notes directly from Fred might break up the series of familiar blueprints.

Learn Me Good has a place on shelves in all levels of the edusphere from the boiler room to the penthouse in the Ivory Tower. Policy wonks will find that it cures frequent heartburn related to frustration, albeit temporarily; parents will be refreshed as they read candid reactions from a teacher who they’d want to befriend in real life; teachers with this book on their desk will find that its good-natured but relevant anecdotes will invigorate even the most atrophied smiling muscles.

But there’s a caveat to those teachers: be prepared for the longing you’ll feel en route to the teacher’s lounge when you think, “Why can’t I have a Jack Woodson at my school?”

John Pearson’s Learn Me Good is available for purchase at http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1411665899?ie=UTF8&tag=matthtaborbri-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1411665899

M!$+ER +E@CHER'$ EM@!L

Don't you just hate getting those incredibly obvious spam e-mails, where the senders thought it would be a good idea to replace certain letters with comic strip profanity symbols? Not that that is in any way a dead giveaway, as I am just constantly receiving e-mails from my close personal friends regarding insider stock tips, adult dating sites, and techniques for increasing the size of certain body parts.

But I found it rather ironic to receive an e-mail through my school account with the subject "DISD Alert - Malicious Email Alert" and this body:

Malicious Email Alert

Be advised that an email is traversing the internet with a subject line of:

"Please Update your Firewall as soon as possible"

Do not open this email, delete it immediately because it attempts to get users to click on the link contained in the email to install malicious software on your computer. Always exercise caution when you receive emails from unknown sources that want you to take some type of action like clicking on a link to install software or visiting a website to provide your personal information.

OK, thanks! I'll be sure to immediately delete any e-mail I get with the subject "Please Update your Firewall as soon as possible." But since I haven't received any warnings other than this one, I guess I'm supposed to just tear open the messages that I've received in the past few weeks that say "xol," "4637124," "Dude your gonna get caught, lol," "a Digital card from someone who cares," "Read this before Market open," "Most popular watches at the lowest price," and "win her over with your big d!ck, guy!"

Where are all of the warnings for those?? And where is the spam blocker or the censor? I get more junk mail through my school account than I do through my Yahoo account! It's starting to make me really want to k!ck some @$$!!!

Insert your own humor here

Maybe there are a lot of teachers out there who still have energy after this, the first day of school, is complete. But I am certainly not one of them.

Thus, this will be a very short blog post.

I am BEAT! I think it was some combination of -- getting to the school before 7 (yet still finding it full of students and parents), not getting any breaks all day long, lunch being rescheduled, kids falling asleep in class (who knew I was THAT boring?), and kids not staying in the proper lines for dismissal. Oh, and also the back pain caused by two bulging discs. Can't forget about that.

But at any rate, I am WHIPPED!!!

I hope that everyone's first day was a good one!

A welcome letter

School starts for us this Monday, August 27, so I thought it might be a good idea to compose a generic Welcome letter to send home.

Dear parents/guardians/cousin Larry,

Welcome to the beginning of another super fantastic year! We are very excited to have your son/daughter/spawn in our class this year! We are looking forward to a year full of learning, growth, and development -- and hopefully NOT full of termites like last year. Whoops!

As a third grader, your child will be taking the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) for the first time. Except for Pietro, who's an old hand at the state standardized test. Here's hoping the 10th time's a charm, Pietro! But for most of the rest of your kids, they will learn firsthand this year about subjective exams and arbitrary passing rates!

It's going to be a challenging year for all of us, so we appreciate all your help. Here are a few friendly reminders to help us all get through the year:

• When you drop your kids off in the morning, be sure to actually stop the car before they get out
• Remember that school starts promptly at 8:00, and your child should be in his/her seat, ready to work when the bell rings. Please do NOT set your alarm clock for 7:55 and expect to get here in time for your child to have breakfast.
• Students are to come to school every day with at least one sharpened pencil. If you can afford a PS3 and WWE Pay-Per-Views every other weekend, I'm sure you can afford a couple of lousy pencils.
• Homework is to be done tonight it is assigned -- BY THE CHILDREN! We know that you mean well, but you're really not helping if you don't know your long division from your lines of symmetry. (You know who you are)
• Let's agree that a 2-pound bag of Hot Cheetos and a liter of Dr Pepper does not constitute a healthy lunch.
• Dogfighting, convenience store robbery, and "making it rain" will not be tolerated. In other words, don't let your child emulate a professional football player.
• Please make sure your son or daughter uses the restroom before they leave your home, and do not send them with a 2-gallon bottle of water. Once they are in the classroom, to paraphrase the current California Governator in Kindergarten Cop -- THERE IS NO BATHROOM!!

Let's make this a great year! Only you can prevent forest fires! They'll never take our freedom! Remember the Alamo! (Insert your own encouraging catchphrase here)!!

See you on Monday!

Sincerely,

Mister Teacher

Greetings, little childrens!

Well, we're halfway done with our week of in-service before school starts on the 27th. These first three days have been full of meetings, discussions, and seminars. Some have been good, some have been bad, some have been VERY good.

Today, one of the meetings involved signing up for before-school duty. I have been wanting to reclaim my crosswalk spot, because I really enjoyed it last year, and I absolutely HATED my experience the year before which was in the gym, supervising ALL of the 1st through 4th graders.

So in our meeting today, the administrator pointed out the sign-up sheet and described what morning duty entailed. She then turned specifically to look at me and said, "And it would be REALLY wonderful if you would consider taking your spot again out front, because nobody ever wants to do that and it's a really hard spot to fill."

So of course, I let out a deep, world-weary sigh and muttered, "Fine. If I HAVE to. Whatever."

No, I'm kidding. I was happy to volunteer for the spot once again. And then I volunteered Anonymous Joe to be my partner. I might have spoken out of turn there, so I'm sorry if you hadn't really wanted to volunteer, AJ.

So once again, starting this Monday, Anonymous Joe and I will be the first line of defense for our quaint little elementary school. Oh wait, I think they actually refer to us as first line of GREETING.

Hopefully, this year, more of the kids will actually be able to see me, as last year it often seemed that I was invisible. Kids would hop out of their cars, and I would say "Good Morning" to them. They would then run right past me and yell "Good Morning, Anonymous Joe!"

Granted, he IS the beloved art teacher who has been at the school for 87 years. And I'm just a hulking, scary guy in the storm trooper outfit. But still, it's always nice to be acknowledged.

My other vehicle is a TIE fighter

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went with my brother, my sister-in-law, and their two kids to the Fort Worth Museum of Science. They have a touring Star Wars exhibit that will only be there for a couple more weeks, so we wanted to be sure we got in to see it.

It was really pretty cool. They had a lot of props and models on display, including Darth Vader's armor, a handful of wookiees, and lots of droids. Not just R2-D2 or C-3PO, mind you. 2-1B was there, as was FX-7, so we're talking a geek's paradise here.

It was a lot of fun to go with my nephew, who's not quite three. He kept shouting for me to look at various things, and grabbing my hand to lead me over to other areas to show me stuff. Very entertaining, and a nice activity to get done before school started back up.

I even had a picture taken!

May the Force be with you as you begin this new school year!

Thank your custodians

A week of in-service begins for us tomorrow, but I made my own triumphant return to the school last Thursday. I helped with preregistration (mostly enrolling bilingual kindergarten students) on Thursday and Friday. Friday especially was a stringent test of my limited Spanish -- Yo soy un maestro, por favor, ok? Bueno, gracias!

When enrollment was done for the day, I was able to spend some time in my classroom. The very first thing that I noticed upon walking through the door was the plant sitting on my window ledge.

The fact that there was a plant there did not surprise me. The fact that the plant was ALIVE surprised me very much.

This was an Easter lily that I brought into my classroom at the beginning of the last school year. I took it from my grandmother's funeral, which had been the Friday before classes started. I'm really not a plant person. My thumb is anything but green. But I decided to take on the challenge, and I figured it would be nice to have something live in my classroom besides me and the kids.

For the most part, I was successful. A few leaves turned brown, the potting soil got a little dry at times, and we won't even talk about Christmas break.

But at the end of the school year, I kind of forgot about the plant, and just left it in my classroom. That was May 25. So to walk back in nearly 3 full months later and find it not only alive, but thriving, was quite a surprise.

Turns out that the custodians have been watering it and making sure it gets sunlight. How cool is that?

Very cool, in my book.

They like it! They REALLY like it!!

Thanks to everyone who has posted a bit of information on my "Sound Off" blog. If you don't know what I'm talking about, scroll down one entry and leave a message!

A few days ago, I posted an idea about Place Ball. I posted that idea on a Texas teachers chat board, and today I got some feedback from someone who gave it a try at her school! Here's her testimony as to how the activity went:

We got to try it for about 10 minutes. We went outside to the sidewalk. We used sidewalk chalk and wrote a place value in each of 5 squares. We didn't do 100,000 place. Then I had the students run by each section and say the place value. They loved it. They ran around in circles about 5 times. I got dizzy watching so we moved on. I put a child in each place value, told them their secret number, then they yelled out their secret number. We started with the ones and worked our way up building the value one place at a time. For example:
ones: "I am 5".
tens: "I am 30"
ones: "5"
hundreds: "I am 400"
tens: "30"
ones "5"
thousands: "I am 6,000"
hundreds: "I am 400"
tens: "30"
ones "5"
ten thousands: "I am 90"
thousands: "I am 6,000"
hundreds: "I am 400"
tens: "30"
ones "5"
The other students said the numbers with them.
Then I put five other students in, threw the ball to them. Gave them a number and they had to say it with the proper place value for where they were.
I couldn't remember your directions exactly, but this is basically what I remember. We will play it again next week, we would do it tomorrow, but it will probably be raining since we are on tropical storm alert.
The students loved it.
Definitely a do.

Much thanks to kd in TX!!

Sound off!

Hey everyone, I realize I have done this a few times throughout the year and a half that I have been blogging, but I'm doing it yet again, so who's gonna stop me? ;)

It's time for another roll call, sound off, guestbook, lurker alert--whatever you want to call it. It's quite simple really, I just want to know who my visitors are!

So all you have to do is leave a comment on this post, and let me know who you are, where you're from, and a little bit about yourself. That can be how you happened upon my blog, what you teach (or what you do, if not teaching), or why exactly, you were born with no belly button.

Hoping to get a lot of response to this one!

Also, just as a reminder, there's still time to vote for me (and others like Education in Texas and A Shrewdness of Apes) at the Blogger's Choice Awards! And the YouTube Challenge is still up and running. So far, only 7 or 8 people are in the running to win those T-shirts! Oh, and the deadline has been extended to October 15, to let the school year get underway a bit.

Take me out to the classroom

A few nights ago, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was also trying to think of some ways to get my kids involved in this year in learning basic concepts. I had just read a small article about exercise in the classroom, so I thought maybe incorporating the two might yield some good results.

What my fevered brain conjured up was a new game called Place Ball. Now I use the term "new game" very loosely, as it may very well have been thought of before by greater minds than mine. But it's new to me at the very least.

This is just an idea -- I've never actually put it into play, but I think it might be fun to try this year. We usually cover place value early -- like in the second or third week of school. Place value is something that they should have learned in second, or even first grade, but for some reason, the kids at my school tend to reformat their brains every summer (sometimes they do this over Christmas break, spring break, and weekends as well). So while the concept may remain vaguely familiar, it's still something that many of them struggle with.

So I have two iterations of Place Ball. The first, which could be played indoors or outdoors, is to aid with rote memorization of the place value names and the order they come in. It basically amounts to "running the bases," OR in this new game -- "running the places."

I have my students' desks arranged into five "tables," with each table consisting of four or five individual desks. My overhead machine sits in the center of these tables. I will move this overhead machine over to a position of safety like against the wall or back in a corner, but leave a single desk in the center of the room. Then the five tables and this additional desk will be the six places/bases.

In Texas, third-graders are responsible for learning their numbers up through 999,999 -- so the bases would represent Ones, Tens, Hundreds, Thousands, Ten Thousands, Hundred Thousands. The kids will stand in a line along the side of the room and take turns running the places, calling out the name of each as they tap it with their hand.

I would expect this to be a pretty fun and exciting activity for them, so every time someone has successfully rounded the places, there will be lots of cheering, and any time someone makes a mistake (ie, Ones, Tens, Thousands, Hundreds), I don't think they'll get too down on themselves since they'll be getting plenty of opportunities.

The second iteration is more application. This could be played on a very small scale indoors, but would work much better outdoors. Six kids spread out in a line facing the teacher. Each of these kids represents a place value. The teacher will throw a ball to one of the kids and call out a number. This could be tossing a tennis ball from 5 feet away or throwing a football from 20 feet away. If the teacher calls out THREE and throws the ball to the person in the Hundreds Place, that child is then responsible for remembering that 300 is part of the overall number. The teacher would then throw the ball to another place value and call out another number. At some point, the teacher calls out, "What is your number?" At which point, the kids group together and fit the pieces of their puzzle together to form an overall numeral.

In a large outdoor space, the teacher could be the central point, throwing to multiple lines of children, so it would not be limited to only six kids at a time.

Anyway, that's my idea, and I think it will be very interesting to see how it actually works in practice. I would love to hear feedback on this idea, from anyone who has done something similar, or just from anyone who has thoughts about Place Ball.

At the very least, I expect it to be fun, enlightening, and free of steroid accusations...

Seek and ye shall find

I am always amused by seeing some of the things that pop up as search terms that lead people to my blog. My stat counter program does a keyword analysis, so I can see what people are typing into Google, Yahoo, Ask, etc.

I can see why people would be looking for things like "teacherinsight review" or "multiplications 4 me." And I've come to accept the fact that I will always have at least 10 hits out of every hundred by weirdos looking for perverted phrases based upon my bathroom post from last year.

But here are the few of the funnier or more unusual search terms that I've seen this week.

"Wookie soundbite"

"why do I get unknown calls"

"don't touch me the book"

"db velveeta comic book artist"

"how to call an unknown caller"

"shooting a bird wit your middle finger"

"approval whore"

"what are wookiees good for"

"back cracked bear hug"

"origin of picante"

"touch me shirts"

"drinks for itbs"

"who teaches classes at the Xavier school for gifted youngsters?"

I think that last one is my favorite, though I certainly do like to see a healthy interest for the wookiee community. And anytime you can mix drinks with the ITBS, it's OK in my book.

Big Tex says hi

Once again, Mike in Texas has put together a spectacular Carnival of Education! Go check it out, and click on every single hotlink you can get your grubby little cursor on! You know you want to!!

Twenty-Four

For anyone who does not live in the Dallas area, the local school district of Lancaster, TX (Tornado free since '93!) has proposed a new budget including a 4-day school week. The proposal has since been turned down.

At first, I wondered what that superintendent was smoking. (Possibly cheese?) But then, when I found out that it was in an effort to save the district money, I thought that this was a novel plan that just wasn't being taken far enough.

The proposal was to hold classes Monday through Thursday and give everyone Fridays off. Elementary students would be at school from 7:45 until 4:25. High schoolers would go from 8:30 until 5:30. Long hours, you say? Or, like me, are you saying not long enough!

Here's my proposal. How about a ONE-day school week. We start at noon on Monday and go straight through until noon on Tuesday. Twenty-four pure, continuous, unadulterated hours of academic rigor. AND THEN SIX DAYS OFF!!!

Just think about how much learning you could pack into that day! And think of the savings for the school district!

• You'd only have to pay for buses twice a week instead of ten times a week!
• You'd only have to provide one lunch, one dinner, and one breakfast per week (though I recommend adding a small midnight snack to the cafeteria menu)!
• Air-conditioning costs could be cut, electricity bills could be slashed, water bills could be mutilated and spindled!

Listen, I used to be an engineer, and I took some electronics classes in college. So I know a little bit about electricity usage. And the fact is, every time you flip a light switch ON, you use more electricity than a light that has been on for a solid hour. By flipping all of a campus' light on every morning and off every evening, school districts are blowing through hundreds of thousands of dollars! With a one-day school week, those light switches would only be flipped on once per week. Think of the savings!!

On a similar note, Tuesday afternoon through Monday morning would hardly see any water usage in the buildings at all. There would be no children clamoring at the water fountain or repeatedly flushing the toilets -- quite literally flushing millions of dollars right down the drain.

Administrators could already be thinking of ways to spend all of that saved money. Giving it under the table to contractors that they are related to... Spending it on brand new acronyms for the next round of standardized tests... Or just plain across-the-board raises for the Board of Trustees.

And think of the joy on every student's face when they recover on Wednesday evening and realize they still have more than four days to go before reporting back to school!

I know that children might have a hard time staying awake for 24 straight hours. Heck, most of the kids I teach have trouble staying awake for 5 straight hours! But things can be done to motivate and invigorate throughout the day.

For instance, every grade level would get a half-hour recess between the hours of midnight and 4 a.m. A new generation will experience the pleasures of Ghosts in the Graveyard and stargazing.

In addition, every school will use a new transition sound between classes. The familiar beeping of the clock from Fox's 24 will now accompany every class change. The kids will feel like mini-Jack Bauer's!!

So let's review: Time saved, check. Money saved, check. Academic improvement -- I'm just gonna go ahead and say research has proven it. It's a win-win situation, folks!! Let's bring it before the board!

Challenge is sputtering

Hello everyone (or at least everyone that reads this blog),

I'm here once again to promote the vaunted YouTube Challenge, which for some reason has only had a few takers so far. The numbers of video views has been increasing, so I know people are actually watching the videos, but people aren't leaving comments, and thus NOT being entered into the drawing for a free T-shirt.

So here's my question: If you are one of those people who has watched the videos but not left a comment, will you please leave a comment HERE and let me know why? I realize that some people are reluctant about signing up for an account with YouTube, but if there are other reasons that are holding this contest back, I'd really like to know so I can try to work around them!

Thanks in advance for your help!

Teacherdo List

Tomorrow is August 1st, which means I have a little less than a month to go before the new school year gets underway. So I've put together a little To Do list of things that need to be accomplished before August 27th.

1) Brush up on my times tables -- 6 X 9 is close to 60, but since I teach math, I need to relearn my multiplication facts.

2) Give blood -- the 2nd-grade teachers have already informed me that I will have "the class from hell" this year, so when the vein in my temple bursts, I want to be sure I have a replacement supply on hand.

3) Fix the pencil sharpener -- one of my angels broke it last year when I wasn't around, and now when you put a pencil into it, it makes a horrible sound that makes me think that somewhere, a unicorn is dying.

4) Continue my attempts to conjure paper out of thin air -- since my school has been cutting the number of copies we can make every year, I expect we'll be able to give every student one half-page assignment every six weeks.

5) Get all of my shots -- to protect against influenza, scarlet fever, pink eye, SARS, mad cow disease, Asian bird flu, Alabama armadillo affliction, and Dutch elm disease.

Doubtlessly, more tasks will be added before the 27th. But this will at least get me started. Feel free to suggest any on YOUR To Do list...

The 300 -- a review

Can you believe it, this is my 300th post!!! It seems like only yesterday, I was posting good old number 297...

A couple of weeks ago, I sent out my book, Learn Me Good, to a company called Apex Book Reviews. As you may guess, this company reviews books. A few days ago, they e-mailed me a copy of the final review, and I was very pleased. This is supposed to be going up on Amazon and other sites (and possibly even in selected newspapers) soon, but I wanted to go ahead and post it here, because it is pretty awesome!

So without further ado...

Learn Me Good
John Pearson
ISBN: 9781411665897
Reviewed By Janet Pearson

Learn Me Good tracks the weekly correspondence sent between Jack Woodson and his former co-worker, Fred Bommerson. Having been laid off by Heat Pumps Unlimited, a thermal design firm in Texas, Jack pursues a new career path, spurred mainly by the enjoyment he's always derived from working with kids. With a natural knack for math & science, he becomes a third-grade teacher, embarking upon new adventures in the field of public education - the magnitude of which he can only imagine.

Jack quickly adapts to his new responsibilities, even quipping to Fred about the status report
he'll soon send to the Alumni Office at his alma mater, Duke University:

"Jack M. Woodson (Duke engineering, class of .95) is currently living and working in Dallas,
TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers."

Thus begins Pearson's tale, an engaging study in the real education that goes on in the classroom, outside of textbooks, hall passes, and morning announcements. With its subtle cynicism, biting wit, and endless allusions to pop culture, Learn Me Good draws you in with just how easily Jack's everyday experiences with eight. and nine-year-old children parallels that which we experience with fullgrown adults on the job, at home, and everywhere else.

Without apology, Pearson takes jabs at every aspect of what passes for normalcy among today's
childrearing practices. He even pulls off this commentary on the conduct of a school district representative assigned to check the students' eyesight with sardonic aplomb:

"She felt that some kids may not WANT to wear glasses, so she made her pitch, and I
quote: 'I think glasses are SEXY!...' Should you really use the word 'sexy' around eight- and nineyear-olds? It's like airing a commercial for Bacardi rum in the middle of an episode of Sesame Street (Today's episode is brought to you by the letter B and the number 151!)"

And consider this assessment of the real priorities of today's youth:

"Chassity had been caught writing a note to one of the other girls. The gist of the note was
basically 'You're a witch. Who's a witch? You are, you witch.' And on, and on. Only, she didn't use the word 'witch,' instead preferring a more socially unacceptable rhyming word. Kelly and I had joked about the fact that nearly all of the words in the note were misspelled EXCEPT for that one word."

Pearson tramps the hallowed ground of public education with piercing wit and unrelenting irreverence, giving it a not-so-good-natured - but much needed - ribbing. He even takes a fair swipe at the current presidential approach to education:

"No Child Left Behind? No Child Left Untested Till He's Blue In The Face is more like it."

It's not always fun and games, though. Throughout his narrative, Pearson does an effective job of pointing out the various nuances of public education that rarely bring about smiles and laughter. Chief among these is the concept of mobility rate: the tendency of students to enroll and withdraw at the school at an alarming frequency. He even goes so far as to make the point that merely weeks into the new school year some teachers could have an entirely different class of students, which often makes them ruefully aware of the attachments that come and go:

"Why can't the good ones stay?? I know, I'm being selfish, I'll admit it. I'm just afraid when a
good kid leaves, because it just opens a hole for another Mark Peter to come in."

Considering the fact that Mark Peter routinely steals teachers' items and physically terrorizes other students, one can hardly blame Jack for this sentiment.

Timely, insightful, and absolutely hilarious, Learn Me Good needs to be required reading for anyone considering teaching as a profession. Much like the crip notes for War & Peace, it's an indispensable guide to all the real training you'll never formally get.

Midway is open

Once again, Mike in Texas is hosting the Carnival of Education!

There, you will not encounter any NFL quarterbacks betting on dogfights, immature starlets arrested on DUIs, or jerks posting spoilers to The Deathly Hallows...

The Attack of the Easy Bake Oven

Growing up as a boy, as I did, I never had any experience with toys like Hasbro's Easy Bake Oven. However, a story in the paper the other day caught my eye. It seems that the hot pink, miniature provider of quarter-sized cupcakes is being recalled from stores everywhere. And this is the second time in less than a year!

Back in February, Hasbro was getting loads of complaints from parents whose kids were actually getting injured while attempting to bake. Second and third degree burns were reported, and one five-year-old girl even had to have a finger partially amputated! Poor "Pinky" Patterson has been scarred for life, one would suppose.

My guess would be that the decision in the early 80s to replace the Easy Bake's heating filament with a small ingot of nuclear-grade plutonium has come back to bite them. I mean, to cupcakes really need 2,550ºF temperatures to rise??

This story only opens the door for many more classic childhood icons to be recalled.

Rubik's Cube: Reports are that it causes carpal tunnel syndrome and color blindness.

Monopoly: The "iron" game piece does not actually reach temperatures necessary to create crisp creases on dress shirts.

Stretch Armstrong: Stretches, yes. But arms are not very strong.

GI Joe: Kung-Fu Grip causing numbness and tingling of fingers and other body parts.

Strawberry Shortcake: Not edible or fit for human consumption, as name would suggest.

Quien es muy macho?

Hello, my name is Mister Teacher, and I am a male teacher.

(Hi, Mister Teacher!)

Ms. Longhorn over at Fractions Speak Louder Than Nerds (funny name!!) has posted about the dearth of the XY chromosome within the education career path. She suggests that kids in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades are actually being done a disservice by having nothing but female teachers. If she were an ad-writer for the profession, this would appear in newspapers all across the country:

Seeking educated male with BA/BS and TeXes certification to work with 5-150 women daily who all eye you like a T-Bone steak anytime you walk into the room. Oh right, and you can change the world by teaching some little'uns too.

I honestly haven't felt like a piece of meat too often over the past four years. At least, not like it was during the teacher certification process, when I was the one guy among 30 girls.

I think that the trend has actually changed a lot in the last 10 years or so. I certainly never had any male teachers in elementary school; the first dude to teach me was my freshman algebra teacher in high school. But I actually teach at an elementary school where there are a lot of males.

When I first started there, there were only 5 or 6 of us that taught a grade level. The PE coach, the music teacher, the computer teacher, and the art teacher were all men, but as for K-6 teachers, there were only a handful. Over the past few years, there has been a lot of turnover at my school, and a lot more men have been hired. If Ms. Longhorn is correct, then this trend is very beneficial to the students at my school. However, I personally had mixed feelings about it, seeing as how each new man was one less possibility for a hot, single girl to fill a spot.

Personal feelings aside, most of the parents, and a lot of the kids are certainly more accustomed to having female teachers. On the very first day of my very first year, I got a couple of comments from parents, telling me, "My child has never had a man teacher before." I really couldn't tell whether they thought this was a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I'm sure their child had also never had a three-headed Martian teacher with no ears before.

I've also had a few students over the years refuse to come into my classroom because they are downright terrified of me. I'm guessing this doesn't happen too often with female teachers.

At any rate, there are certainly a lot of male teachers in the blogging world. For anyone interested, here is a short list:

Ed U. Cater (who actually works with me)
Mike in Texas
IMC Guy
Mr. Chips
KauaiMark
California Teacher Guy
The Smithie

Let's hear it for the men!!

Also, an update on the YouTube Challenge:
A big thank you to Redkudu for getting the ball rolling, but she no longer "pwns" me, which my girlfriend will no doubt be thankful to hear...
Don't miss out on your chance to win a T-shirt!

Updated:
Here are some more blog sites run by male teachers.

Darren
Teaching in the 408
Secondhand Thoughts
So You Want to Teach

We're just wild about Harry

Book 7 in the Harry Potter series -- The Deathly Hallows -- goes on sale this weekend. While many look forward to it with a sense of anticipation, it is also with a sense of dread, as this is the end of the line. There will be no more Quidditch, no more Order of the Phoenix, no more brushes with child abuse at Number 4 Privet Drive.

First things first, this post is a discussion about Harry Potter which contains summaries and speculations. There are no spoilers here, assuming you have read the first six books. Anything that I suggest is based on my own thoughts, and not leaked secrets that I have heard about. If you have not read all six books that are currently available, there may in fact be some spoilers. Read at your own peril.

Due to the set up, especially from book 6 -- The Half-Blood Prince -- book 7 will undoubtedly be a ginourmous tome. Harry and his pals have so much ground to cover. There are Horcruxes to be rounded up and destroyed, Death Eaters to be rounded up and imprisoned, and a certain Dark Lord to be rounded up and sent to oblivion. (Or Bolivia, if you're Mike Tyson.)

So let's take a look at the matter of these Horcruxes. Physical objects into which Voldemort has placed pieces of his own soul. We know that two of these have already been destroyed. Tom Riddle's diary was demolished in The Chamber of Secrets, and Dumbledore himself took care of a ring -- at the cost of one of his arms -- towards the beginning of The Half-Blood Prince.

The other Horcruxes (of which I believe there are 5) could probably be spun off into their own series, with the Junior Order of the Phoenix tracking them down and having adventures along the way. However, we know that Rowling has to wrap this thing up in one final book. Therefore, the gang must not need to take too long to find them.

My feeling is that we have already seen three of these Horcruxes. Voldemort's snake is almost certainly a Horcrux. There has also been a lot of speculation on line that Harry himself is a Horcrux. I have slowly started to agree with this myself. It makes a lot of sense. It would go a long way to explaining why Voldemort disappeared after attacking Harry -- losing that last piece of his soul weakened him too much. It would also explain why Harry can speak Parseltongue, why he and Voldemort have practically the same wand, why Harry can so often see through the eyes of Voldemort and his snake, AND why the Sorting Hat in book 1 suggested putting Harry in Slytherin House, saying, "It's all right here, in your head."

The third Horcrux that we have already seen is the locket. Remember the locket that Dumbledore practically killed himself to get in The Half-Blood Prince? Yeah, that wasn't it. The TRUE locket Horcrux is in The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. There are two clues to support this claim. First, there is a scene in The Order of the Phoenix where Harry and the kids are cleaning and sorting things in the headquarters at 12 Grimmaud Place. An enchanted music box almost puts them to sleep, some doxies try to sting them, and they find a heavy locket which no one can open. Seemingly a throwaway line in book 5, which gains much greater importance upon reading the end of book 6. The other clue is what is actually found in the locket that Dumbledore retrieves from the bottom of the poison. There is a note from someone saying that they have already destroyed the locket. This note is signed "R.A.B.” Who else could R.A.B. be but Sirius’s brother, Regulus Black? (And really, don't you just love how they're all named after stars? Sirius, Regulus, Andromeda, Nymphadora, Bellatrix...) Regulus, a former Death Eater who tried to leave the fold, got the locket, and it would not surprise me at all to find that he already has the other Horcruxes stashed away at The House of Black as well.

Snape. Severus Snape. The teacher we love to hate. Don't even get me started on Alan Rickman, who plays Snape in the movies. He is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO incredibly good at what he does. It's such a shame that they've had to cut so many Snape scenes from the movies due to time limitations. That will NOT be the case with the next movie.

Back to the character. Is he good, or is evil? Lots of evidence to support either side. Personally, I have always been convinced that he is on the side of the right. I tend to refrain from outrightly calling him "good" because let's face it, the guy's a jerk. But jerks aren't necessarily evil. Anyone who has ever watched the new version of Battlestar Galactica knows that Col. Tigh, the XO, is a supreme a-hole. But if you need someone in a pinch to have your back, he's there. No doubt about which side he's on. (Yes, even in the last episode.) Same for Snape. He's got pronounced issues with Harry, stemming from his father, and he's not a nice person. But he IS a member of the Order of the Phoenix, and he IS working against Voldemort.

There's no denying that he killed Dumbledore. However, there are so many clues throughout the book to suggest that Dumbledore MADE him do that. First of all, Hagrid told the kids that he overheard a conversation between Dumbledore and Snape where Snape was trying to get out of doing something, but Dumbledore wouldn't let him. Second, Snape was not actually in on the attack against Hogwarts. He was in his office, unaware, until Professor Flitwick ran in to tell him what was going on. This was well after the attack had begun. Furthermore, Snape could very easily have killed Flitwick AND Hermione and Luna (who were standing outside of his door). Instead, he merely sent the two girls back into his office to look after the professor, whom he had stunned. He may very well have saved Flitwick's life by keeping him out of the fight with the Death Eaters. Third, when Snape does show up at the top of the tower, Dumbledore says pleasingly, "Severus... please..." I don't think he was begging for his life. I think he was pleading with Snape to follow through on their agreement.

If you recall, Harry himself nearly killed Dumbledore earlier in the story. Dumbledore made Harry swear to him that he would make him drink all of the poison in the cavern, no matter what happened. So as Dumbledore began to drink, Harry encouraged him to continue. Dumbledore actually reached a point at which he was shouting, "I want to die!" and "KILL ME!" Yet Harry, hating himself, and repulsed by what he was doing, continued to encourage Dumbledore to drink. Hating himself, and repulsed. How interesting then, that right before Snape kills Dumbledore, he is described as having a face etched with hatred and revulsion. Methinks Snape and Harry are not quite as different as they would like to believe.

Snape actually protects Harry at the end of the story. While chasing Snape across the school grounds, Harry keeps attempting to throw unforgivable curses at Snape. Yet each time, Snape stops him before Harry has even completed the word. He also throws back what seems to be a taunt, but what is actually a rather good piece of advice -- "Blocked again and again and again until you learn to keep your mouth shut and your mind closed, Potter!" Harry really needs to pick back up on his Occlumency lessons.

OK, now for the theories.

I think that Dumbledore's brother, who is the bartender of the Hog's Head Tavern in Hogsmeade, will come forth to help The Order of the Phoenix.

I think that Neville will survive and go on to be either the Defense against the Dark Arts professor, or the Herbology professor.

I think that people will more closely examine Snape’s pensieve and learn why exactly Dumbledore has always trust him.

I think there may be a chance for Draco Malfoy's redemption. I know it's a very small chance, but he DID falter when he had the chance to kill Dumbledore, and now that he's seen death (Hey! He can see Thestrals now!), he may not be so keen on following in his father's footsteps.

I think that the kids will find the locket and possibly a couple of other Horcruxes in Kreacher’s closet at 12 Grimmaud Place. Perhaps there will even be a Matrix-style Kung-Fu battle to the death between Kreacher and Dobby.

And as for the deaths.

I am almost certain that Snape will die. I think he will die saving Harry though. It will be a very heroic death, and Harry will have to live with the knowledge that Snape was not the person he always accused him of being. Come to think of it, it might actually be kind of cool if Snape died defending Hermione, whom he had always snubbed as being a "Mudblood.”

I really, really, really hope I'm wrong about this one, but I have always felt that Ron Weasley is a marked man. The best friend always bites the dust. I would love for Ron and Hermione to be a happy couple at the end of the story and walk off into the enchanted sunset, but I have a very bad feeling about this.

I also fear for the safety of my favorite teacher in the entire series – Remus Lupin. He has pretty much lost all of his best friends at this point. And though there is the romantic possibility with Tonks, he's bound to be right at the center of the final battle and right in harm's way.

My mom is convinced that one of the Weasley twins -- Fred or George -- will be killed. This would of course completely change the personality of the surviving twin, as there would likely be no more joke shop or frivolity.

Percy Weasley will die in his office at the Ministry of Magic, victim of a freak quill accident.

Thoughts? Theories? Suggestions? Get them out now! Just no spoilers please!!

Reposting, number 1

I've noticed that over at Rookie Teacher's blog, she has been reposting some of her earlier blog entries. I think that's a pretty nifty idea, especially during these dog days of summer, when I really don't have anything new to post about.

So I'm digging back into the early days of Learn Me Good the blog. Back to a time when I didn't have so many readers (only 2 as opposed to my whopping 15 now). So a lot of people might not have even gotten to see this originally. So enjoy.

This was originally published on February 12, 2006.

CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP

As of tomorrow, there will be only 6 school days left until the 3rd grade TAKS reading test. This is the standardized assessment that all third graders have to pass in order to be promoted to the fourth grade. Part of President Bush's "No Child Left Behind" act, this high pressure test has been the cause of more stress than J-Lo's ample buttocks on her jeans. You know, Bush used to be the owner of the Texas Rangers, and look where THEY are. Too bad he never tried to implement a "No Major Leaguer Left Behind."

But here's my thinking. Since there's no escaping the TAKS, and such a huge deal is made of it, why not turn it into something truly productive? Everywhere you look, there are cries of despair over the lack of school funding. Why not kill two birds with one test? Let's get those upper administrators to get out there and drum up some corporate sponsorship!Students in DISD have to wear school uniforms now. Why not use some of that design-free space to advertise product? Hey, if it works for NASCAR, why not grade school?

Here are some ideas for slogans:

McDonalds: You deserve a test today.

Nike: Just pass it.

Trix: Silly rabbit, tests are for kids!

Guiness Genuine Draft: Multiple choice test questions?? BRILLIANT!!!

Cialis: In the rare case of corrections lasting longer than 4 hours, consult your doctor.

Note to sponsors: If any of these slogans are deemed worthy, I would ask for a mere 3% of all resulting profits. Thank you.

Texan in the lead

So far, the response to my YouTube Challenge has been overwhelming! OK, that would be an outright lie. But we do have a clear-cut leader!

RedKudu has posted a comment on each of the four Learn Me Good videos, so if the drawing were to be held today, she would be a clear favorite. However, the drawing is NOT being held today -- you have until September 1, so there is still a chance!

Check out the videos, post comments, and ratings and links are always appreciated!

Win a free T-shirt!!

My girlfriend is the greatest. Yesterday, out of the blue, she sent me a Word document that contained her idea for a new T-shirt. It consisted of a picture of the cover of Learn Me Good, above the words, "Read to me, Mister Teacher."

It would definitely be a vanity item, but how sweet is she to put that together?!

I went out to Best Buy yesterday and bought a brand new toy. It's a Canon digital camera, and it shoots small movies as well. So today, I filmed myself reading a few chapters out of Learn Me Good. And I just got done posting them to YouTube.

For those of you familiar with the book, the chapters that I read were 3rd and inches, flip-flops and a simple science lesson, an athletic supporter, and the eyes have it.

For those of you NOT familiar with the book, I'm hoping that my reading will give you a flavor for what the book is like.

I'm also going to run a little contest. It won't even require you to spend any money, though you will need to register with YouTube. All you need to do is view one of the above videos, rate it, and post a comment (on YouTube, not here). For every comment that you post (legitimate comment, not the same thing a hundred times), your name will be entered in a drawing. Post a comment on all four videos, get your name into the drawing four times.

On September 1, 2007, I will draw TWO names from the list of entrants, and those two people will each win a free T-shirt with one of the designs seen in my sidebar (I teach, therefore... or one of the others).

I hope that you will all check out my videos, and pass on the news of this contest to all of your friends and/or blog readers.

Again, thanks for your support.

Avoiding the NC-17

I found a site that rates blogs, according to the standards of the movie industry. I am very pleased to say that my blog, Learn Me Good, is family-friendly, receiving a PG rating. Apparently, the only reason I didn't get a G was because of two occurrences of the word "death," and a one-time "cocaine" reference. I must have done a review on Scarface or something...

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Back in Black

Hello, kiddies!

It is I, Mister Teacher, back from my vacation to Washington, DC! It was a great trip. I got to see several friends, and I stayed for most of the week with my old college roommate, Dr. McCheesy.

We saw several really good movies:

Live Free or Die Hard: Fantastic!

Transformers: Awesome!

Knocked up: Hilarious!

Also, as is our tradition, we had a night of “tasty beverages” and terrible movies. Crank, Breeders, Life Force. All of them atrocious, but at least Life Force had the added benefit of a hot chick who walked around naked for most of the movie.

While in DC, I got some walking in, played some hoops, watched a youth rugby game, had a very fun games night, and got snookered into paying almost 20 bucks for a salad. Needless to say, I shall not ever be eating at Whole Foods again, what with their cleverly obfuscated $9 per pound pricing policy.

Great trip, but it's good to be home. And in just a couple weeks, I get to experience the joy that is staff development continuing education!!

WOOHOO!!!!

In other news, Learn Me Good seems to have hit a wall in the Blogger's Choice Awards. It has sat at 15 votes for about 3 weeks now. Seeing as how the top vote getter in the Education category has 145 votes, I certainly have my work cut out for me.

If you have not yet cast your vote, please do so here! And thanks to everyone who has already voted!