Monday afternoon at our staff meeting (now weekly, for our pleasure!), a spokesperson for DISD came and talked to us about cheese.
I'm not talking about your typical individually-wrapped slices of processed Velveeta. This is "cheese," the new designer drug that is sweeping the halls of Dallas-area schools.
Cheese is a combination of black tar heroin and crushed Tylenol PM. Two great tastes that taste great together, right? I can practically see the Colombian drug lords sitting around their compounds, going about their business, when suddenly --
"Hey! You got your Tylenol PM in my black tar heroin!"
"Hey! You got your black tar heroin in my Tylenol PM!"
Cheese follows in the footsteps of last year's scare -- Pepto Bismol and liquid ecstasy (codename: Pickles). Rumor has it that a new threat is on the horizon -- a hybrid mixture of flour, methamphetamines, and oatmeal termed "Sesame Seed Bun."
I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would even want to go near a drug called "cheese," but then I could never understand the appeal of edible cheddar-flavored product you can spray from a can -- but look at the success of Cheez Whiz!
Apparently, cheese is sold in tiny increments called "bumps" which are then snorted, often with the ink straw from a ballpoint pen. Except in Plano, where they no doubt use rolled up hundred dollar bills. But we were also told that some kids hide a small amount in a Kleenex and then snort it while pretending to blow their nose. Often right at the front of the classroom! Since we were told that one of the symptoms of cheese is euphoria, I would advise everyone to be on guard against kids who get REALLY happy when they clear their sinuses.
So I've told you just about everything I know about the drug known as cheese. Yet we've been told that we teachers are responsible for leading presentations tomorrow to students about the drug's dangers. Logically, we would discuss this subject with our own home rooms, in our own classrooms so that we could ensure that everyone was listening, and so we could answer any questions.
Instead, we have to herd 2 classes at a time into the auditorium and do the talks there. So instead of 16-21 kids reasonably well behaved, we will have roughly 230 kids, closely spaced and much more interested in talking to kids they usually don't see. One teacher will read from the bulleted list that we received Monday (The Holy Grail) while the others try to maintain order.
And I can pretty much already predict that the result of all of this will be a few kids going home and telling their parents that they can't have macaroni and cheese anymore -- because it will kill them.
If only I knew a die-hard Green Bay Packers fan. I would be very tempted to wear the Cheese Head tomorrow...