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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Welcome to the new year

I am getting a LOT of hits to my site on one particular page, and so I thought rather than have people look through the archives, I should just go ahead and repost it. This was originally posted in August of 2007, and I reposted it in August of 2008, so this makes it 3 years running.

This is a very tongue-in-cheek "Welcome" letter to be sent home with kids on the first day of school. Please take it as it is intended, that is, with a grain of salt. I am not passing judgement on parents, teachers, or students. I am just having a little fun. No offense is intended.

Dear parents/guardians/cousin Larry,

Welcome to the beginning of another super fantastic year! We are very excited to have your son/daughter/spawn in our class this year! We are looking forward to a year full of learning, growth, and development -- and hopefully NOT full of termites like last year. Whoops!

As a third grader, your child will be taking the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) for the first time. Except for Pietro, who's an old hand at the state standardized test. Here's hoping the 10th time's a charm, Pietro! But for most of the rest of your kids, they will learn firsthand this year about subjective exams and arbitrary passing rates!

It's going to be a challenging year for all of us, so we appreciate all your help. Here are a few friendly reminders to help us all get through the year:

When you drop your kids off in the morning, be sure to actually stop the car before they get out.

Remember that school starts promptly at 8:00, and your child should be in his/her seat, ready to work when the bell rings. Please do NOT set your alarm clock for 7:55 and expect to get here in time for your child to have breakfast.

Students are to come to school every day with at least one sharpened pencil. If you can afford a PS3 and WWE Pay-Per-Views every other weekend, I'm sure you can afford a couple of lousy pencils.

Homework is to be done tonight it is assigned -- BY THE CHILDREN! We know that you mean well, but you're really not helping if you don't know your long division from your lines of symmetry. (You know who you are)

Let's agree that a 2-pound bag of Hot Cheetos and a liter of Dr Pepper does not constitute a healthy lunch.

Dog fighting, convenience store robbery, and "making it rain" will not be tolerated. In other words, don't let your child emulate a professional football player.

Please make sure your son or daughter uses the restroom before they leave your home, and do not send them with a 2-gallon bottle of water. Once they are in the classroom, to paraphrase the current California Governator in Kindergarten Cop -- THERE IS NO BATHROOM!!

Let's make this a great year! Only you can prevent forest fires! They'll never take our freedom! Remember the Alamo! (Insert your own encouraging catchphrase here)!!

See you on Monday!


Mister Teacher


Unknown said...

He he - this is great! I wouldn't even know Hot Cheetos existed if I didn't have my students.

HappyChyck said...

It's good to revisit the classics! :-)

Kim Hughey said...

Ha Ha! Hope your school year starts great and hope you and DISD have a much less stressful year this year!

siobhan curious said...

Gets funnier every time!

Mister Teacher said...

Thank you, thank you! And what IS the fascination with Hot Cheetos???

superstargenius said...

The annoying thing with the Hot Cheetos phenomenon is that the kids don't seem to eat them because they are tasty but because they are painfully hot. So basically eating Hot Cheetos is like a challenge from Fear Factor!

Lightly Seasoned said...

Ah, yes. Hot Cheetos and Pepsi. The breakfast of champions. Kinda explains the proliferation of muffin tops, though.

I was pleased to sniff the kerosene-scented evidence of the Annual Killing of the Roaches yesterday. Found a dead one in the corner of my room the size of an overfed Chihuahua.

#167 Dad said...

Funny stuff. I thought teachers were too poor to be funny...

Flipper said...

Can I send Funyuns and Diet Coke instead?

Mister Teacher said...

Flipper, funyons at least have a veggie inside, right? :)

Dad, we smile through our pain.

Genius, have you seen the even more insidious SOUR Hot Cheetos???

Athena said...

How about Hot Cheetos WITH hot cheese? That includes dairy?

(Seriously, not the kids eat this, but the principal at my school.)


KauaiMark said...

Please, please tell me that you actually DO send this home with the kids!!!