March Tattleness

It's March! And with it comes Madness, as all good college hoops fans know. Nevermind the ladies at my old place of employment who thought, when I suggested adding March Madness activities to the calendar, thought I was suggestion a shopping bonanza.

Since it's the beginning of a new month, I am posting another sample chapter of my work in progress -- Learn Me Gooder! This chapter is all about a common enemy of every teacher -- Tattling.

Enjoy, and as always, feedback is appreciated!

Date: Friday, November 20, 2009

To: Fred Bommerson

From: Jack Woodson

Subject: Whose whine is it anyway?

Hey bud,

In case I haven't mentioned it, my class this year is extremely immature. I've never had so many kids that still suck their thumbs, display a total lack of listening skills, and repeatedly do the same things over and over and over again, despite being told not to. Case in point, Patty, who, even after all this time, continues to get in trouble for talking in the hall.

I also notice that many of my kids have a supreme sense of responsibility when it comes to OTHER kids in the room, but they can't seem to look after themselves. They are so worried about the kids around them no following the rules, but they never seem to notice when they're not following the rules themselves.

I think it's great for kids to take on responsibility, but one of my boys, Bobby, always winds up taking responsibility AWAY from somebody else. I'll ask one of the kids to hold open a door so the class can walk through, and seconds later I'll turn around and Bobby will be holding the door. Or someone in my class will ask if they can take a basketball out to recess, yet Bobby is always the one who winds up holding the ball after lunch.

Maybe he's been reading his Spiderman comics backwards again and thinks that with great responsibility comes great power.

Yesterday, with a few minutes before the bell rang at the end of the day, I asked everyone to clean up the area around their desk, as I always do before we leave the classroom. Usually, it's the kids with the lumber yard right under their desk that ignore me and keep talking, while the kids with a few atoms of dust under their desk are lying prostrate on the floor, trying to make it clean enough to perform surgery.

As I'm asking everyone to look on the floor around them, I'm looking directly at several scraps of crayon wrapper right underneath Bobby's chair. Rather than looking around his own area and picking up the trash, Bobby notices that Nolan, on the other side of the room, has a small piece of an eraser under his chair. So Bobby goes running towards Nolan's chair, does a power slide on his knees that would make Tenacious D weep with joy, and picks up the eraser. Then he looks at me like I'm going to award him the Silver Star Award.

Mrs. Bird has started calling him, "The Sheriff."

Still, the worst of it all is the tattling. I know, I know, I should be used to it by now. After all, tattling in grade school is like the kilt in Scotland – ever present, expected even, but never welcome. Nevertheless, it continues to annoy me.

I think that if teachers didn't receive any base salary at all, but they were given $25 every time one of their students tattled on someone, they could all retire to the Bahamas by the end of the second year.

There is a significant difference between telling the teacher something and telling ON someone. For instance if Susie is hanging upside down from the monkey bars by her shoestrings and can't get down, then yes, that's something I need to know. However, I think I can do without hearing that Billy laughed when Peter dribbled chocolate milk down his chin.

There are many cases when I just have to fight mightily to resist the sarcastic response.

Student X: Jimmy pointed his middle finger at me!

Me: Really? Then he's not doing it correctly.

Student X: She called my momma fat!

Me: Your momma is not fat. But does she ever Porky Pig?

Here onboard the Tattlestar Galactica, two of my kids take things to the extreme.

I have unofficially given Puddy the cabinet post of Tattle Tale General, since he assaults my ears as soon as he sees me each morning, laying out the general school population’s misdeeds with military precision.

"Sir, status report, Sir! Tommy kicked Lisa's book bag, Kelly was making faces at a second grader, and Donnell is jangling pennies in his pocket. In world news, Lindsay Lohan was busted on DUI charges again."

Then there's Janice, who is constantly tattling about someone or something. And apparently, to anyone who will listen. This morning, her class was entering the cafeteria for lunch, and I exited through the other cafeteria door, behind her class, so she was not aware that I was standing there. I actually witnessed her tattle on one of her classmates to some random woman walking down the hall! It was probably some poor second-grader's mother, just minding her own business, suddenly accosted by a little girl claiming, "Excuse me, Miss, he just hit me!"

Of course, this lady was able to do what I always wish I COULD do. She kept her eyes straight ahead, didn't make eye contact, and just kept on walking.

Mrs. Frisch told me that she told her kids at the beginning of the year that she doesn't want to hear any complaining, unless it involves one of the 3 B's – Barfing, Bleeding, or Broken. Of course, she has to deal with Roy'al every day, so I think tattling is the least of her worries.

I've overheard Mrs. Bird on more than one occasion tell one of our kids to, "Save it for tattle-time." The trick here is that there never IS a tattle-time, but the kids don't seem to catch on to this.

I'm considering creating a tattle patsy. This will be a stuffed animal, or a poster, or even just a stapler – something that I can send the kids to when they really, really have to tell on someone. After all, Janice and others like her just want to speak the words into the air anyway, regardless of who is listening.

I just need to be sure that "Tattle Toby," the stuffed elephant, has eyes that can roll.

Later,

Penn and Teller

Follow me on Tattle

Since I don't Twitter, after all, I'm thinking there needs to be a network for teachers called Tattle.

I was speaking yesterday with some fellow teachers about the excess of tattling we experience every day, and one of them said that she uses a sort of "tattle box" with great success. The kids write out their complaints on a piece of paper and put it into a box which is then thrown out perused at the end of the week.

My own personal philosophy is to quote WC Fields and say, "Go away kid, you're bothering me!"

Last year, I wrote a Mr. Teacher column about this topic, where I asked several teachers what strategies they used to combat this epidemic that is tattling. This column, entitled, "I'm Telling!" originally ran on education.com on July 28, 2009.

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I used to have only two pet peeves in life -- people who drive in the dark with only their parking lights on, and people who quote entire scenes of Monty Python at a time. Since becoming a teacher, however, a new contender has risen to make those a distant second and third. Oh heinous pet peeve, thy name is tattling.

Anyone who has dealt with children (or professional basketball players) has had to deal with tattling. Some kids tattle to get other kids in trouble, some kids tattle just to get some attention, and some kids tattle because they truly feel a misappropriation of justice is happening.

Regardless of the reason though, most teachers find tattling incredibly annoying.

There is a significant difference between telling the teacher something and telling on someone. For instance, if Susie is hanging upside down from the monkey bars by her shoestrings and can't get down, then yes, that's something I need to know. However, I think I can do without hearing that Billy allegedly called Peter the "S -word" ["stupid"] at the apartments last night.

Many children seem unable or unwilling to make this differentiation. I had unofficially given one boy in my class last year the cabinet post of Tattle Tale General, as he would assault my ears as soon as he saw me each morning, laying out the general school population’s misdeeds with almost military precision.

"Sir, status report, Sir! Tommy kicked Lisa's book bag, Kelly was making faces at a second grader, and Donnell is jangling pennies in his pocket. In world news, Lindsay Lohan was busted on DUI charges again."

I once joked that if teachers didn't receive any base salary at all, but they were given $25 every time one of their students tattled on someone, we could all retire to the Bahamas by the end of the second year.

Since tattling is so prevalent, I asked several teaching colleagues how they handle it in their classrooms, and what, if any, strategies they employ to curb it.

Some of the no-nonsense teachers immediately replied that they tell their kids up front that they don't want to hear any complaining unless it involves one of the 3 B's - Barfing, Bleeding, or Broken - or the "Double D" - Dangerous or Destructive.

One teacher said that when a child approaches her, she tells him, "Save it for tattle-time." Of course, there is no tattle-time, but the younger kids never catch on to this.

Another interesting technique was the suggestion of a "tattle sandwich." Sounds like it would be quite tasty with a bit of mutton and some ripe tomato, but this teacher allows students to tell on classmates as long as they say something nice about the person before and after that tattle.

Many of the responses I received suggested having the kids write down the tattles instead of speaking them. When pressed to use perfect grammar, punctuation, and spelling to report an injustice, it seems many kids just aren't willing to put forth the effort. Some teachers require their students to write down their grievances during recess, which is a deterrent, and some require that the kids fill out complicated incident reports involving exact times, minute details, and a list of witnesses.

My favorite strategy of all the responses involves the use of a tattle patsy. A few teachers told me that they have a stuffed animal or a picture on the wall that they send the kids to when they absolutely have to tattle. This makes perfect sense because some kids just want to speak the words into the air, regardless of who is listening.

A couple of years ago, I witnessed one of my little girls, desperately in need to tattle, turn to some random woman who happen to be walking down the hall, and claim, "Miss, he hit me!"

To this woman's credit, she continued walking without making eye contact.

My thanks go out to all of the teachers who replied to my request for information. I know I learned some new tips that I will be employing this year, and if you are a parent or teacher reading this, hopefully you have as well.

I can already picture "Tattle Toby," the stuffed elephant in the corner. Yes, he's already rolling his eyes.

What to do about tattling?

Attention all teachers! I am once again calling for your assistance on a future education.com column. I appreciate all of the responses that I got for the "What are you doing this summer?" prompt, and I hope the response is just as good this time around.


This time, I'd like to know how do you handle kids who tattle? I mean, face it, you can't be a teacher and NOT constantly deal with those kids who feel a mighty sense of justice for everyone except themselves.


So what strategies or techniques do you employ to deal with these tattle tales? Feel free to leave a comment here, or send me an e-mail at learnmegood2@yahoo.com with the subject "Tattle Tales."


In other news, The Scholastic Scribe has included me today on her Take Another Look Thursday post. If the word Zork means anything to you, then my flashback post will bring back good memories for you.

Video carnival

It's Wednesday, so it's time for the Carnival of Education! This week's Carnival is hosted by Mathew and his site Creating Lifelong Learners. There are some interesting posts, including one by Mrs. Bluebird about what her students are REALLY saying when they talk about the weather, and this one over at Joanne Jacobs that asks if it's OK to pay students when they do well on tests. I've certainly considered that one myself.

Hey, if you haven't seen Fractorix yet, go check it out right now! And if you HAVE seen Fractorix, why the heck haven't you commented on it yet? Chop chop, get to it!

And while we're talking videos, let me humbly submit one of my very first attempts at a school-related video. This one is called, "Kids, Don't Tattle." Tattling has really gotten on my nerves this year, as I have several students who would rather tattle than breathe.