20 things NOT to do on the first day of school

Summer is steadily slipping away, folks! So with that, I present to you the ANTI-Wong -- 20 things NOT to do on the first day of school.

1) Decide not to learn all of your children's names and just call them all "Kid."
2) Come to school dressed as a giant crayola crayon. Some teachers like to dress in costume, but nobody likes a corporate shill.
3) Sleep off a Nyquil-Vodka-Cherry Mountain Dew-induced hangover.
4) Update your Facebook status every 10 minutes.
5) Lecture the kids on how you could've had a V-8.
6) Pester the students for their honest review of your screenplay about intelligent rodents and the women who love them.
7) Mention The Girls Next Door.
8) Teach 8 ways to survive in prison.
9) Take the kids for a walk to the local quick-change oil lube joint.
10) Put on a viewing of The Godfather.
11) Run 10 fire drills back-to-back, followed by duck and cover.
12) Ask for their mother (or father)'s phone number for personal reasons.
13) Show off your prowess as an X-treme sport fanatic.
14) Try to have the kids solve the meaning of life.
15) Reenact the 100 Years War.
16) Model and try to sell your own personal brand of cologne or perfume.
17) Walk into the classroom at 8 o'clock, stare hard at the kids, and say, "You know what to do," and then leave the room for 4 hours.
18) Make a campfire and roast s'mores.
19) Consult a dog-eared, page-marked teacher handbook every 5 minutes.
20) Give the kids money for ANY reason.