'Twas the night before Halloween

Tomorrow night is Halloween, which means a lot more to me now as a homeowner than it ever did as an apartment dweller. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved Halloween -- dressing up, going to haunted houses, eating so much candy that you beg someone to kill you -- but I never got any trick or treaters at my apartment, whereas I get a ton of them at my house.

So I've made all the preparations for this year. By that, I mean I've gone to the store and bought candy. Name brand candy, thank you very much, none of this knockoff stuff. One of my colleagues was talking about how she went to the dollar store to get candy and came away with a bunch of really cheap, imitator brands. I can just imagine kids coming to her door and receiving packages of n&n's, Smickers, and Swete Tarts.

None of that for me! I've got Twix, Nestle Crunch Bars, and Jolly Ranchers at my disposal. Of course, my plan is to give these precious candies ONLY to the little kids who come dressed in costume this year.

For the past two years, I've enjoyed seeing all of the little tykes in their Halloween getups. What I have NOT enjoyed is the roving bands of teenagers who come -- in no perceivable disguise -- knock on the door, and mutely hold out a pillow case. They're not even going to the effort of saying the words, "Trick or Treat!!!"

So this year, I have a plan for that. And I love it when a plan comes together. Along with my tasty goodies, I bought a single bag of candy corn. I know there are some people out there who love candy corn, but personally, I think it is one of the most disgusting candies ever, second only to those really nasty orange circus peanuts that have the look, feel, and taste of Styrofoam packing peanuts. I'm pretty sure that's what they are, just spray-painted radioactive orange.

So tomorrow night, when I open my door, if it's a group of little kids in costume, I will happily place a Twix bar or other delicious treat into their bag. But when I open the door to find some punk, trying to capitalize on October 31, he/she will receive one single candy corn.

Eat up, bucko, that's all you're getting from me. Be glad it's not a toothbrush or a walnut.

On a completely unrelated note, if anyone has any recommendations for de-toilet papering trees, please let me know...

Unknown Caller

Since I am not teaching summer school, I have been home a lot during the day, and so I have had to deal with those annoying telemarketers more than usual. Sure, I could just ignore them (as I usually do), but sometimes I do pick the phone up and answer the call.

So I thought I'd do a little informal poll here and find out what your favorite ways to mess with telemarketers are.

Here are a few ideas I have had or seen put into practice:

1) I have a buddy who would always hand the phone off to his two-year-old daughter, who was just at that stage where she was able to speak continuously, though not quite coherently, for long stretches at a time. Many a telemarketer got an earful of disjointed facts about Blue's Clues, Dora the Explorer, and gymnastics class.

2) Before the caller can launch into their script, interrupt with one of your own. For instance, if you are initially assailed with, "Hello, Mr. Smith, I have an exciting offer to tell you about!" immediately break in with something like, "That's great, I have something exciting to tell you about too! I was watching this TV show, and it's all about this lovely lady, who is living with three very lovely girls! All of them had hair of gold, you see, like their mother, and the youngest one was in curls!”

3) See how long you can keep the telemarketer on the line while you recount to him the twisting plot points of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. Bonus points if you can get him or her to listen while you read your favorite chapter aloud.

4) Pretend you can hear the person on the other end of the line. This is the simplest prank to play on the telemarketer, but it can have great rewards sometimes. One evening, I picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" and the girl on the other end launched into her spiel. The whole speech must have lasted for over a minute, but it seemed like she hardly took a breath. When she finished with a request to confirm my address, I simply repeated, "Hello?" The girl launched into her whole spiel again! When she finished, I once again said, "Hello?" And she started her monologue again, I hung up on her. It would've been interesting to see how long I could have held her in the repeating loop, but I was getting tired of it already.

Any other tips or tricks you've had success with? Feel free to share them here…