9 things I won't be wearing on Monday

This week's Carnival of Education is up and running over at Jason's Perspective, where he has graciously included my post TAKS Awareness along with the other midway rides. Apparently, I am a clown. What, do I make you laugh? Am I here for your AMUSEMENT? I am? OK, good. Go check it out, and um, watch out for Code Browns...

We received wonderful news at our school today... Summer Dress Code goes into effect beginning on Monday!!! Finally!! As the temperatures start to rise, and the air conditioning is about as consistent as a drunken babysitter, I won't be forced to wear a noose around my neck!!

We were given a memo today that covered "Acceptable and Unacceptable Attire," so it seemed fitting that I should put together a little list of what I will NOT (and CAN not) wear on Monday.

9) Tie and long-sleeve shirt
The memo clearly stated, "Anything you might wear... to clean around the house, leave at home." It just so happens, I clean in a 3-piece suit.

8) Godzilla slippers
I had a pair of these in high school. Big, green, fluffy slippers, and one of them had a button on the bottom connected to a speaker so that when you put your foot down, it made the sound of a Japanese high rise being smashed. If you stomped your foot, you heard the sound of a mutant roaring.

7) Daisy Dukes
Only because the memo says shorts are not acceptable.

6) A simple white tank top
Every day, when driving home, I pass a sign that says, "This way to the Gun Show." Alas, I will not be able to make a similar invitation to my co-workers by showcasing my own "cannons."

5) Sweat pants
This is really a shame, because I would just want to wear ordinary gray or blue sweat pants. In my humble opinion, they should prohibit me from wearing sweatpants that say "Juicy" across the butt cheeks, but not ordinary gray or blue sweat pants.

4) Spandex
I'm ok with this, because frankly, I like to CHANGE out of my work clothes when I get home. Since I already wear Spandex at night to fight crime (and to rock out with super-crazy dance moves), I don't need to wear it at school.

3) Bib overalls
Well darn, without the bib overalls, the single hay seed sticking out between my front teeth is going to look REALLY out of place, now isn't it? Actually, I would really like to know who showed up to work in bib overalls one day, causing this clause to be officially written into the dress code memo.

2) Dresses revealing a bare midriff
Actually, the way this one is worded -- "Dresses or attire revealing a bare midriff should not be worn to the office" -- makes me think maybe I COULD wear this, provided I stayed in my classroom and didn't approach the office.

1) Thongs
The memo says flip-flops are not acceptable. What did YOU think I was talking about???

It must be pointed out that the memo says absolutely nothing about suspenders, bloomers, rainbow wigs, or Brett Michaels bandanas. This last month is gonna be FUN!!!!