20 things NOT to do on the first day of school

Tomorrow is the first day of school in the Dallas area, so here are some things that are most definitely not on my lesson plans, and should not be on yours, either!

                                    20 Things NOT to do on the first day of school

20)         Decide not to learn all of your children's names and just call them all "Kid."

19)         Come to school dressed as the Quaker Oats Guy. Some teachers like to dress in costume, but   nobody likes a corporate shill.  Plus, that guy is really creepy.

18)         Update your Facebook status every 10 minutes.

17)         Lecture the kids on how you could've had a successful career as a pit crew chief.

16)         Pester the students for their honest review of your screenplay about intelligent rodents and the women who love them.

15)         Mention Donald Trump in any context.    

14)         Attempt the Cinnamon Challenge, or anything else with the word “Challenge” in it.

13)         Put on a viewing of The Godfather.

12)         Do a read aloud using any Stephen King book.

11)         Brainstorm ways to survive in prison.

10)         Ask kids to write an essay on the meaning of life.

9)            Take the kids for a walk to the local quick-change oil lube joint.

8)            Show off your prowess as an X-treme sport fanatic.

7)            Make the kids try out for a spot on the school Quidditch team.

6)            Sculpt Devil’s Tower out of mashed potatoes while mumbling, “This is important.  This means something.”

5)            Reenact the 100 Years War.

4)            Set off fireworks in the cafeteria.

3)            Consult a dog-eared, page-marked Slovakian-to-English dictionary every 5 minutes.

2)            Give the kids money for ANY reason.

1)            Walk into the classroom at 8 o'clock, stare hard at the kids, and say, "You know what to do," and then leave the room for 4 hours.