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Thursday, August 03, 2006

The North Texas Diet

I just got back from spending about one and a half hours at the grocery store, exploring sections I had never in my life visited.
I’ve still been suffering from my non-cold sore throat, so yesterday I went to a nutritionist/chiropractor recommended by some people my mom knows from church. I had already been to my own doctor, and he had discovered nothing, so I figured why not give something new a shot?
The visit was very interesting. I of course had my neck and back cracked—I think that’s just standard practice for a chiropractor—but I also underwent some new and unusual muscle tests and analysis. The guy was very knowledgeable and friendly, but I’m getting to the bad part.
I’ve been put on a very strict diet for the next two weeks. Actually, I was given a list of things that I CAN eat, and a list of things I CANNOT eat during these two weeks. You can guess which list all of the good food is on.
This is supposed to be the initial step in testing for food allergies. But it makes it incredibly difficult to find something I can eat!! For instance, milk and wheat are on the list of things not to eat. This means I cannot have favorites such as ice cream, cheese, or bread of any kind. But what I discovered at the store today is that it is next to impossible to find ANYTHING that doesn’t have milk or wheat in it!!!
I have never ever in my life stood in the grocery store aisles and perused the ingredients charts. But I did today. And easily 2/3 of what I picked up to examine went right back on the shelf.
Here are some other things that I cannot consume:
Orange juice
Corn
Beer or malt beverages
Soft drinks (this will be like Lent come early)
Peanuts—which I LOVE!!
Beef, pork, and shellfish
Chocolate
And here’s the kicker. The one thing I will strive to avoid for 2 weeks, but which I will absolutely NOT be willing or able to give up for the rest of my life…
KETCHUP

I’m sorry, but as Meatloaf once crooned—“But I won’t do that.” Come to think of it, meatloaf is on the non-no list as well. Coincidence??
And while I’m quoting celebrities, let me throw my hat in with one of my fellow Virginians, Patrick Henry, who said, Give me Ketchup, or give me death!” Actually, he used the word “Liberty,” but what most folks don’t realize is that Liberty was the Colonial version of Heinz.

Here are a few things that I CAN eat:
Rice
Oats
Potatoes
Turkey, chicken, and fish
Rice milk and coconut milk
Water
Wild game is also listed under Meats. I guess this means I can enjoy a nice zebra burger or rhino nuggets. Maybe on a bed of oats?
I’ll just have to be creative, that’s all. Maybe simulate a nice juicy cheeseburger by using a turkey-burger patty, slapped between two rice cakes, with a thin slice of tofu on top?

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go enjoy a nice tall glass of cool, crisp rice milk.
Bon apetit!

4 comments:

happychyck said...

Sounds like like a Whitey Diet. Do you get any fruits or veggies to add a little color?

In my 'hood near the soda fountain you can get a nice cool rice milk that's been tweaked a little--horchata. Sounds more exotic doesn't it?

Mike in Texas said...

Duuuude, no Dairy Queen Blizzards for two weeks!!

Mister Teacher said...

Fruits and veggies are fine, except for oranges and corn. Horchata sound like code for "yak regurgitations."
Duuuuude, no MOUNTAIN DEW for 2 weeks!!!

Mrs. T said...

Don't knock the horchata- it's like heaven, really. Isn't there some kind of fake ketchup you could use?
I'm sorry this new regime is so restrictive. Hope it will restore your voice.
My town is the "birthplace" of chiropractic- home to Palmer College of Chiropractic, so we have a lot of them around, many of whom would prescribe just such a diet. I have to say, though, that I've never heard of such a strict diet to restore one's voice. Good luck!