Identity Crisis

The second week of school is off with a bang. A kid fell down in front of me today and somehow lost his pants -- seriously, there was suddenly a full butt staring us all in the face. Another kid told me that it's probably ok to inhale strange chemicals in science class because you might get super powers. One of my little girls who can barely be heard when she speaks in class was the one yelling at the top of her lungs in the bathroom after lunch.

A relatively short post today, so I thought I'd supplement it with a freebie chapter from Learn Me Gooder (available now!). Thankfully, I haven't had anyone this year that doesn't seem to know their own name, but I certainly did once...

Date: Monday, September 14, 2009

To: Fred Bommerson

From: Jack Woodson

Subject: Identity Crisis

Hey bud,

That’s right, I called Priya a time sink. Heat sinks, which we are intimately familiar with, draw away heat from a source. Time sinks, like certain children I know, draw away valuable min-utes from a lesson, dispersing them to the four winds, never to be reclaimed again. My time sinks are highly efficient, too!

Once again, it’s Monday, and as some people my parents’ age once sang – Monday, Monday, can’t trust that day. As opposed to Friday, which I would trust with my life, my banking password, and my vintage Star Wars action figure collection.

Still, the Mondays of this year, as well as most every day, have been made brighter by a certain ray of sunshine in my class. Her name is Katie, and she always seems to have a smile on her face. There have been several mornings when I have been ticked off well before 8:15 am – kids not having their homework, kids somehow needing to trade pencils ten times in ten minutes, kids insisting a triangle has four sides – and when I’ve walked around the room like a sourpuss. On these occasions, Katie always has a way of looking up from her morning work, catching my eye, flashing her brilliant smile, and then going right back to work.

After that, there’s just no way I can remain angry. At least not until Lakeisha opens her mouth again.

If Katie is the ray of sunshine, then the new kid I got today is the flashlight beam through murky water.

Ever since school started, I’ve been hearing about this new kid that I was supposed to get named Kevin. He’s a special ed kid, so Ms. Hamm and Miss Knox have been coordinating things and heralding his arrival.

First, it was, “Kev will be here on Thursday.” Then, “Kevin will be here next Tuesday.” Finally, “We’re really not sure why Kev isn’t here yet.”

At long last, Kevin showed up today. I saw the new kid in my line this morning, and I greeted him warmly with the name I had heard most often. “Hi! You must be Kev!”

DaQuayvius immediately corrected me – “It’s Kevin!”

I sometimes think DaQuayvius must have thirty fingers, because he seems to have a finger in everyone’s business. I have no doubt he knows Kevin’s entire life story after spending a mere twenty minutes with him in the gym.

I gave DaQuayvius a quick stink eye then asked the new boy, “What do you prefer to be called, Kevin or Kev?”

He mulled it over then answered, “Well, sometimes people call me Kevin, and some people call me Kev. But my real name is Anferny. My mom just likes how Kevin sounds.”

Not once had I heard the name “Anferny” mentioned in any discussions about this kid, so I had my suspicions. I asked him, “So what should I call you – Kevin or Kev?”

He replied, “Anferny.”

OK, we have a winner. For the next thirty minutes, I called him Anferny. “Anferny, do you have a pencil?” “Anferny, come and get a math journal.” “Did you learn how many cents are in a dollar at your old school, Anferny?”

At about half past eight, Miss Knox dropped by to see how the new kid was doing. When I told her about the name change, her mouth dropped, and she took “Anferny” out into the hallway to speak with him. A couple of minutes later, they came back into my classroom, and the little boy said to me with a sheepish grin, “You can call me Kev now.”

Oooooookay...

If this happens again tomorrow, I’m going to make an executive decision and start calling him Doofenshmirtz.

After helping “Kev” with his identity crisis this morning, it seemed a little anti-climactic that our after school staff meeting would be all about the Campus Crisis Plan. Back in mid-August, we were each given a document roughly the size of the Greater Chicago Area phone directory and told to memorize it. This document was the Crisis Plan, and in brief, it tells us what to do in the case that a crazed gunman or bomb-toting maniac wanders into our school. Basically, we lock the doors, pull the blinds, and cower beneath our desks. Oh, and we are also supposed to slide a special green laminated card under our door into the hallway, telling everyone that we are A-OK.

Not surprisingly, many of us were wondering just who was going to see that sign, if we were all locked in our rooms. Are we putting out the sign for the benefit of the maniac stalking the halls? If so, should it really be the green sign, or the red “All is NOT OK” card? Or do we slide out the green one, and then once the maniac starts trying to break down our door, slide out the red one – real subtle-like?

In order to test our new knowledge, we played a mock version of Jeopardy. Hopefully, I am not the only one who saw the irony in this.

Not that it’s a bad idea to have a crisis plan on hand. It might have been nice to have one at HPU that time the guy crashed his cocaine-laden SUV into the corner of our offices and then ran off into the sand pit next door. Though it was exciting for all of us to stand around on the delivery dock in back watching the police search the area with dogs and helicopters, I think that if there had been a crisis plan in place, you never would have dared me to rip my shirt off and run wildly across the parking lot. Of course, if I had taken your dare, I doubt I would be here writing you this email right now.

I might instead be trying to convince some scary person that my name really is Anferny as I subtly slide a red laminated card under the door.

See ya later,

Dan Jerzone

Carnival time

I'm a few days late on this, but the current incarnation of the Carnival of Education is up and running this week over at I Want to Teach Forever (Why do I want to shout, "FAME!" after that?).

Check out all the great posts and articles that Tom compiled from the interwebs.

Sounds about right

My room is cold. I'm sure I've said that before, but let me just say it again. It's cold. Pretty nearly everyone who walks in there immediately comments that it's freezing in there. I happen to like it. But today, when I noticed that several short-sleeved kids were shivering, I felt compelled to comment that this was the THIRD day of school and that it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that my room is still cold. Many of the kids have brought a sweater or coat, but a few haven't seemed to catch on.

So I asked the class, "You've been here 3 days now; how many days is it going to take before you realize that it's cold and that you need to bring a sweater?"

The boy closest to me immediately replied, "About 100 days."

And that just about sums up the thinking skills of my kids this year.

I did have another funny moment today at lunchtime. I was sitting next to one of my kids and we started talking about the new Wal-Mart that opened near his apartment. He told me that he loved to go there to buy chips and soda. When I asked him where he had gotten all of the money to buy these things, he told me that he does chores and his parents pay him.

"I've been working for money all my life," he told me.

Impressive. Most impressive.

First day wrap-up

Well.

THAT happened.

Yes, the first day is over, and as usual, nothing was usual. Here are a few quick hits from the first day.

1) Our morning announcements are now at 9:00, at which time a couple of 5th graders who apparently had just drunk 15 cups of coffee tore through the pledges, and then we were given permission to begin our instructional day. I love how 8:15-9:00 is considered separate from the "instructional day."

2) We have the last lunch this year (12:45) and the cafeteria actually RAN. OUT. OF. FOOD. While some would see it as a blessing not to be given a "burrito," it was really sad to see the last 10 or so kids in line standing there forever while the cafeteria staff scrambled to find a few peanut butter sandwiches and carrot and humus platters.

2.5) When another teacher and I began asking kids who had not touched their burritos if they would give them up, the surrounding kids (who had already eaten one death bomb burrito) started waving and shouting that they wanted another.

3) One kid in my class can barely write his name. He couldn't do much else.

4) It's cold in my room. I know this. I accept this. The kids, however, seem to think that if they say, "It's very cold in here" enough times, the temperature will magically adjust to their desire. One girl must have muttered that phrase 15 times.

5) At 1:53, we were asked by PA to "write all of your students' names on a piece of paper" to send to the office. Somehow, the technology used to print off class rosters for teachers this morning vanished or was made unavailable for office use later in the day. Oh, and we were asked to send it to the office by 2:00.

6) After passing out glue sticks to the kids, I noticed one kid putting the glue under his nose and inhaling deeply. After redirecting him, I quietly added, "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

7) If it's possible, the bus situation is even more screwed up than last year. There are two "blue" buses, and they were in the wrong order this afternoon. In addition, they both thought they were going to the same apartments and kept sending kids back and forth to each other.

8) In the beginning, not a single kid in either class could tell me what odd and even meant. After a few examples, and discussions with their partner, almost all of them could tell me if a number was odd or even. *

*8.5) This was the one hopeful sign of the day, as most of the rest of it makes me feel that most of these kids are VERY low. We're talking sixth-round-limbo-stick low.

9) After PE, my second class came into the room and ALL needed to use the bathroom. But we can't take whole-class bathroom breaks anymore this year, so I had to send them a few at a time and work around the gaps.

10) One boy looked at my picture ID badge and said, "Is that a picture of you when you were young?"

Can't wait for day 2!

The day is here!

It's finally August 22, 2011!! This is a red-letter day for two reasons. Number 1, it's the first day of the new school year, and I have either:

a) met my new kids and had a great day getting to know them.
b) flopped through my lesson plans and barely survived the day.
c) gone stark raving mad and run, mouth foaming, up and down the hallways shouting, "The British are coming!"
d) all of the above.

Ideally, the first day will go smoothly with few or no issues. I'll report back on that tomorrow.

The other reason this is a big day is that Learn Me Good is (OFFICIALLY) released! Some astute readers actually noticed that it was released on Saturday (wanted to be sure it was released on time), but today is the OFFICIAL publication date. Here are a few links:

To get a paperback copy, go here.
To get a Kindle copy, go here.
If you're in the UK, go here.
To get the Nook copy, go here.
To see a funny Batman dog video, go here.


Big thanks to Candy of Candy's Raves for already putting up the first (and unarguably the best so far) review already! :)

And thank you to everyone else who has or who will spread the word about the new book release!

Meet the Teacher night

Only 4 more days till Learn Me Gooder hits the (virtual) shelves!! YAY!! My principal never did give me approval to post my flier above the sign-in clock in the office, so I taped it to the refrigerator door in the teacher's lounge. I'm not sure that many people have seen it, because not a lot of my coworkers have mentioned that they'd like to order a copy (not that they necessarily would even if the flier was staring them in the face). Still, I'm excited that it'll only be a few more days!

In the meantime, my classroom still is nowhere near ready (though I am LOVING the "freezer room"). I have all day tomorrow to get things in shape, and I'll probably need the whole day.

Tonight, I was at the school till 7, with the last 3 hours being Meet the Teacher Night. Last year, we didn't have much of a turnout, so I was able to use most of that time to continue working on my room. This year, though, we had a near-steady flow of parents and kids come talk to us. My new partner taught 2nd grade last year, so he knows a lot of these kids, and he said that we have a whole lot of low academic students. Oh well. Nowhere to go but up, right?

It's the final countdown

OK, it's really just one of many countdowns, but there's no cool techno-cheesy song with that title.

We're only ONE WEEK away from the release date of Learn Me Gooder!! Can I get a WHOOP, WHOOP?

Of course, we're only one week away from the first day of school, as well. Can I get a D'OH, D'OH?

The kids don't show up for another week, but today is actually the first day back to school for most of us, as our week of staff development begins. Here's hoping I will have plenty of time to work in my classroom, as I've been moved (along with most of the rest of the school). This will be my 5th classroom in 9 years, and I will be working with my 7th partner in that time. Geez, do I stink or something?

In hindsight, I probably should have started weaning myself off of the 2am bedtimes a few weeks ago, but it's too late for that now.

Here's to a great beginning of the 2011-2012 school year to everybody out there!

Cover me!

Here it is! The final cover, front and back! My special effects wizard was able to turn the chalkboard green!

Time keeps on slipping...

Slipping, slipping... Into the future...

Only 3 more free weekdays before I have to return to school and face the music. Then, after being asked forcibly to move away from the music classroom doorway, I will have to face my own classroom. The "Freezing Room" this year. I love it! :)

I have been very lax in posting this summer, and as such, I have not participated in any Carnivals of Education. However, that hasn't stopped Carol of Bellringers from posting them anyway. Check out the latest one here.

Hopefully, I'll have something to contribute for the next one.

Teacher Wishlist

I received the following email the other day from Mary Richman of School Family Media. I think it's a great idea, and I've signed up for it myself. I invite all teachers reading this to sign up as well.

***************

Hi There,

Even though we’re in a summer state of mind, ‘back to school’ season will be here soon! As you may know, school budgets across the country are being cut, and a recent Bounty survey found that 71% of teachers report bringing cleaning and learning supplies from home, and are each spending an average of $462 a year for their classrooms out of their own pockets.

So, what can parents do to help ease teachers’ financial burdens?

School Family Media is partnering with Bounty to launch TeacherWishList.com, a new, free service that provides an opportunity for parents to give teachers in their communities the essential supplies they need for the classroom.

TeacherWishlist.com launches this week – just in time for back-to-school - and now teachers can easily customize and share their class supply wish lists with a few simple clicks. Those who register will be eligible for:

· The chance to win one of 100 $462 school supply grants from Bounty

· The chance to win a $25,000 art classroom makeover (for schools with five + registered teachers)

· Bounty coupons by mail

To find out more about TeacherWishList.com and to check out the engaging chatter about teachers’ spending visit www.Facebook.com/Bounty.

Please contact Kelsey Bailey at MSL if you have any questions about TeacherWishList.com or would like additional registration information to share with teachers in your community.

She can be reached at Kelsey.Bailey@mslgroup.com or 646-557-7287.

Thanks for your consideration.

Release date set!

I've decided to release Learn Me Gooder on the first day of the new school year in Dallas. So LMG2 will be out an available on AUGUST 22, 2011!!

Please buy it on that day! Please tell your friends to buy it on that day! Please write a note to your local congressman asking him or her to buy it on that day! Let's shoot for the top 10 on Amazon, people! (Or maybe the top 1,000 even?) :)

Let the countdown begin!

Cover me!

Had a really fun photoshoot with my nephew the other day, and today I've been playing around with concept ideas.

Here are a few mockups that I really like.

So it begins...

I am an obsessive, I will admit that up front. This applies to many (or most) things in my life, but today I'm particularly focusing on writing. Given my druthers, I would probably keep tweaking drafts over and over and over, and never actually getting anywhere.

So I am going to draw the line somewhere. I had what I thought was my final draft, and I even sent it out to several friends and family members for proofing and feedback. The good news is that the feedback has been good, and I am relatively satisfied that Learn Me Gooder does not in fact suck.

My crack team of editors has also pointed out several excessive commas, misspellings, missing punctuation marks, and even a completely incorrect reference to a Bible verse (I'm Catholic, what can I say?). I am exceptionally thankful for my readers, and I am looking forward to hearing from the ones that haven't finished reading yet.

However, my obsessive nature makes (made) me feel like it JUST. WASN'T. GOOD. ENOUGH. YET.

So I've been tweaking again.

This might tick off my beta readers, when they find out that the draft they've read or are reading is like an obsolete iphone 3G, with the 4G being released. BUT, this is where I'm drawing that line that I spoke of earlier.

I've been going through the manuscript one LAST time, adding details here, scrubbing lines here, making transitions smoother here. I think I'm going to have to be happy with this (truly) FINAL draft.

I'm only in September of this last draft, so I still have some work to do (and there's the whole matter of the cover, the blurb, etc), but ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages...

I give to you the opening chapter of Learn Me Gooder:
(please hold your applause -- or unbridled fury -- till the very end)

Date: Monday, August 24, 2009

To: Fred Bommerson

From: Jack Woodson

Subject: Here we go again

Fred! My man!

Long time no talk, buddy! Wait, I talked to you on Saturday, right? But it’s been a long time since I e-mailed you from my classroom! What’s that you say – I’ve NEVER e-mailed you from my classroom? That’s because the portable classrooms outside didn’t have Internet access, but this year – wait for it – I’m inside the main building, baby!

I’m very pleased to report that the third grade will no longer be treated like steerage on the Titanic! No more sloshing through puddles when it rains just to get to the cafeteria. No more braving the freezing cold in February during restroom breaks. No more families of raccoons living (and sometimes dying) underneath the classroom floor.

Being inside will be fantastic. But I have so much more to talk about than just the new digs. Today was the first day of the brand new school year, and it’s amazing how I still get the first-day jitters, even with seven years of experience under my belt. I got into bed at ten o’clock last night, but I know I didn’t fall asleep before two. When I DID sleep, I had dreams where I was in class but couldn’t talk. When I opened my mouth, all that came out was a bleating trumpet sound, ala Charlie Brown’s generic adult. Not a very restful night, but I was up and at the school at seven anyway, ready and raring to go.

My morning started in the moshpit of our gymnasium, where all of the students and most of their parents had been packed in like sardines, waiting for the teachers to pick up their classes. I waded in to the gym, and it occurred to me that I must not be doing things right as a teacher because every year, they send me brand new kids and tell me to start over!

As I made my way through the maddening crowd, one lady stopped me and asked, “Excuse me, are you Mr. Woodson? Do you have Lakeisha Jefferson in your class?”

I consulted my class roster, and sure enough, there she was. Upon hearing the news, Ms. Jefferson seemed pleased that I would be teaching her daughter. A little TOO pleased. After witnessing a lengthy victory dance and the fourth violent hip thrust, I was starting to feel slightly uncomfortable with just HOW pleased she seemed to be.

She explained, “Lakeisha can be a handful sometimes, but I think she’ll behave better for a male teacher.”

Oh, joy! That’s a theory I can’t WAIT to test!

Once I had rounded up my students and taken them to my classroom, I was able to observe a few of the other kids. I have a boy named Jacob who is only 7 years old. Typically, third graders begin the year at age 8 and turn 9 at some point. Sure, we get our fair share of retainees who turn 10 (or, in one or two instances, 11) in the third grade. And I’m not even counting Alhambra, who turned 16, because he was clearly at the wrong school. But Jacob will only TURN 8 this year! He’s a baby among babies! He does seem relatively bright, though.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Nestor (who is already 9), who can barely read or write. He already has me extremely worried.

This morning, I started the kids off with the usual first day activities – partial differential equations. Just kidding, they were doing the simple little “tell me about yourself” worksheets. Favorite color, favorite movies, names of family members, etc. I noticed Nestor following a pattern. He would ask his neighbor, “What does this say?” Then he would scribble something on his paper. “What does this say?” Scribble.

I wandered over and glanced at his paper. On every line, he had written the same thing, which was not even a real word.

“What is your favorite book?” “OGO”

“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” “OGO”

“What is your best friend’s name?” “OGO”

Clearly, I was not going to glean any personal information from Nestor’s entrance questionnaire. So I decided to use an alternate assessment to gauge his number sense. I gave him a blank sheet of paper and asked him to write down the numbers in order, as high as he could count. I watched as he wrote 1, 2, and 3, then I walked away to see how some of the other kids were doing. After about three minutes, Nestor raised his hand and motioned me over.

He asked, “What comes after R?”

At that moment, I experienced an ice cream headache without having actually consumed any ice cream.

As you can see, I’ve got my work cut out for me here. Nestor’s counting woes already make me think back to Hernando from a few years ago, who ALWAYS thought “catorce” came next when counting. Whenever we had a little free time, we would break out the counting cubes and practice in his native language.

“Uno, dos, tres. . . What comes next, Hernando?”

“Catorce?”

It’s possible that Bono of U2 was hanging around my portable that year and used Hernando as an inspiration for the opening to “Vertigo,” but somehow I doubt it.

There are two girls named Anna in my homeroom this year. They’re quite easy to tell apart, though. One of them is super short, and the other has an unusually deep, raspy voice. Both seem intelligent and well behaved, so I’m pleased to have both “Tiny Anna” and “Smoker Anna” in my class.

My afternoon class started the day in Mrs. Bird’s classroom (she’s my partner this year). One of her introductory activities was having the kids write their answer to the question, “How did you spend your summer?”

I looked at a random paper this afternoon, from a little girl named Betsy, and I was pleased to see that it started with, “It was fun, we went to Six Flags and Cici’s Pizza, and I got a new puppy.”

That’s so much better than if it had said, “My dad got caught trying to smuggle illegal fighting llamas into the country, so we visited him every Thursday from two to four at the Brownsville County Lockup. Also, my new puppy smells like paint thinner.”

Another girl in Mrs. Bird’s homeroom already feels comfortable enough to use a nickname in class. Her name is Gwenn, but on her papers, she wrote, “Priti Prinses.” I’m assuming she means Pretty Princess. I’m also assuming that’s a self-appointed nickname.

Well hey, I think the custodians want me out of here now, so I’m going to go home and find something to eat. Say hey to the gang there at Heat Pumps Unlimited for me. Let them know that my days of sleeping till noon are over.

At least until Saturday.

Talk to you later,

Newt B Ginnings

It is finished!

Hey everyone,

My "final" draft of Learn Me Gooder is finally finished! Now I've sent it out to a few "editors" for proofreading and feedback, and assuming they don't all say it is worse than Showgirls, I'll be that much closer to publishing!

In the meantime, as an extra incentive to get LMG2 out there even faster, I've decided to put Learn Me Good (1) on sale for 99 cents for the foreseeable future. I'm talking about the e-versions, so that's LMG for the Kindle, LMG for the Nook, and LMG on Smashwords.

If you already have a copy, please tell your friends and neighbors!

And happy 4th of July!

Want photos? We got photos!

Hey everyone,

My female equivalent at school (she teaches right down the hall from me and does exactly the same thing as me, just with 2 different groups of kids) has started an online shop where she sells her really cool photographs!

Please take a minute and go check it out! The name of the store is Kirsten's Art & Soul, and I'll be putting a link in the sidebar as well.

Yes, we have no satellites

Here's a leftover from the school year...

During that last week, I had the kids work in pairs on planetary research projects. They had a bunch of books to look through to find pictures and interesting facts, then each group created a big poster for their planet.

This is what I got from one of the Venus groups:


When I asked why they had included a picture of a satellite, they told me, "It's to show that there is no satellite around Venus."

I then asked why they had not included a picture of a unicorn or Justin Beiber to show that Venus also does not have either of THOSE things orbiting around it, but the irony was lost on them.

Last call...

Nearly a month ago, I announced the 3 winners of the business card contest. However, only 1 of those winners ever contacted me with their personal information. I STILL have not heard from AmandaC and/or Iamjusttiff.

Amanda and Tiff, if you're out there, please send me an email at learnmegood2@yahoo.com. I'll give you till this Friday. If I still haven't heard from you by then, I'm going to select 2 new winners from the people who entered the contest.

Thank you and goodnight. :)

And that's a wrap!

WOOHOO!! Another school year over!! This one started off really rough, but it ended very well.

I got everything passed out today -- leftover homeworks, workbooks, profile stuff I had been keeping, projects, report cards, etc -- and the kids pretty much had a free day. We made autograph sheets, and the kids went around signing each other's sheets with notes like, "Stay cool" and "Have a good summer!"

A couple of notes I got were in the past tense, which made me wonder what they were trying to say -- "You were a good teacher." "You looked nice when I first met you."

Then we had our pizza party. I provided the pizza, the kids brought chips and drinks. Like enough to feed a small army. I think each kid drank about 6 kool-aids/capri sun, and there were still 8 boxes to take home.

Then a big round of hugs, and they were gone! YESSSS!!

Survived another year!

Almost there

I remember back in September, when it seemed we would NEVER reach the end of the school year. And now here we are, only one day away from the end of the road.

We had our awards ceremony today, and that went really well. I wound up getting on stage 3 times -- once to fill in for my partner who wasn't there, once for my own class, and once to present the overall 3rd grade award to one of my kids. It was a tough room, too. Nobody even giggled when I said, "Remember me? I'm back!" when I went up on stage the second time.

Some of the awards were just certificates, some came with ribbons, and some came with medals. So of course I had to answer, "Why didn't I get one of THOSE?" several times after the ceremony.

Tomorrow will ideally be a really relaxed day. We are having a little pizza party for my 2 groups in honor of how well they did on the TAKS tests. Only 1 of my kids didn't pass it, and she later qualified for special ed! And only 3 of my kids didn't pass the reading test! So we are very proud of the kids and their efforts.

As long as I don't demolish any 5th graders, tomorrow should be a very good end to the school year.

Extra Credit... or too much credit?

My buddy Ed U Cater has once again written up an excellent piece for the Dallas Morning News. This time, it's about giving credit where credit is due. Which is usually NOT at the top.

Check it out and see if you don't agree.