Enjoy, and everyone please stay safe tonight!
January
We rang in the new
year with a barn-burning games night.
Many jokes were told, many drinks were quaffed, many words were slurred.
Baby New Year, AKA Hurricane Andrew,
made sure we were up bright and early to enjoy New Year’s Day.
Midway through the month, Andrew enjoyed his first snow day
with Mommy. Of course, this was a Texas
snow day, so it was really just a sheet of ice for Andrew to sit on. DISD did not cancel school.
Determined to stick to this year’s resolution, I went to the
gym the first 30 days of January, exercised my tail off, and lost 120
pounds. On January 31st, I put it all
back on – plus 25 lbs – in a Crisco
eating contest.
February
On the 21st, I turned the big 4-0. This did not feel much different from the big
3-9 or even the big 3-5, but at least my voice didn’t wildly modulate like it
did on the big 1-6.
This seemed to be the month for new teeth, as Drew’s started
coming in left and right (well, up and down).
On the first of February, he had 2 teeth. By the 28th, he had at least 76.
I decided to dive into the business of crowdfunding a
movie. I’m pleased to say I raised a
whopping $3.22 and am only $5,999,996.78 away from making Zero Shark Thirty a
reality for the Syfy channel.
March
For the first time ever, I heard back from the good folks at
Jeopardy. They emailed to say I had
passed the online test, and they wanted to meet me for an in-person
audition. Over Spring Break, in San
Antonio, I sat with about 20 other people and tried to impress. I knew I didn’t stand out as much as the guy
in the Strawberry Shortcake outfit, but I left feeling very good about my
chances.
One set of college basketball tournament semi-final games
was held in Arlington, so Dad and I went.
Our seats were about half a mile from the court, but I’m sure the
players could still hear us cheering and yelling, “Go, Duke!” On a side note, Duke was not one of the teams
playing in Arlington.
The Catholic Church underwent the process of choosing a new
Pope, and March Massness officially began.
I thought my overall pick of Urban IX was solid going into the Sweet
Sistene, but he faltered in the Evangelical Eight, and after the Faithful Four,
Francis had it pretty well in the bag.
April
Wanting to take Drew for walks around the neighborhood, but
not liking toy wagons or strollers, Tamara got him a miniature car with a
pull-handle. Our son took to it
immediately, and thus began the twice-daily car walks. And thus began the major tantrums on days
without at least two car walks.
A Canadian group called Podium Publishing put out an audio
book edition of Learn Me Good, and my footprint in the entertainment world grew
just a smidge. For every copy sold, I
get a nickel and a coupon for 3 cents off Labatt Blue.
Just for fun, I decided to claim 2,542 dependents on my tax
return this month. About a week after
April 15, two unsmiling gents in dark suits and darker glasses showed up at my
front door, rapped me on the forehead, and said, “Don’t do that again!”
May
On the 7th of the month, our little boy turned 1 year
old. He really started walking
independently about 2 weeks earlier, so I put together a video montage called
One Walking Moment, showing Drew’s progression from infant to toddler, all set
to the yearly highlight reel song from the NCAA tournament. So far, Luther Vandross has not sued.
Tamara and Drew began taking a sign language class, and I
learned a few signs second-hand. It’s
amazing how the signs for milk, doggie, and diaper change are exactly the same.
I heard that a lot of money could be made selling cookies
door to door, so I grabbed a clipboard and a rolly cart and walked up and down
my street. I don’t know if my neighbors
were more disturbed by my lack of cookies or by the inadequate fit of my lime
green toga, but the police had me speak with some very friendly doctors before
releasing me.
June
In the first week of June, the school year ended, and so did
my tenure with the Dallas Independent School District. No more pencils, no more books, no more complete
idiocy from incompetent leadership!
This was the month that Drew’s mealtime habits made the
transition into extreme sport. Other
parents might look at his actions and wonder if something was wrong with the child,
but I prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he’s testing his
throwing range and accuracy as well as experimenting to see what other parts of
his head will take food into the digestive system.
Just to cross it off my bucket list, but against Tamara’s
advice, I gave time travel a whirl. I’m
sorry to admit I may be inadvertently responsible for “What Does the Fox Say?” On the other hand, Whipped Cream flavored
vodka! So you’re welcome, universe!
July
On July 2nd, Tamara and I celebrated our 3rd wedding
anniversary. We left Andrew in the care
of his godfather, and we spent the evening in lovely Tyler, Texas. Come to find out, someone was in a pranking
mood on the anniversary gift page of Wikipedia, so Tamara wound up getting a
lovely pleather jacket.
Late in the month, we hit the road with my side of the family
for a week’s stay in Destin, Florida. We
had good weather, great waves, and mild sunburns by the end of the week. Drew learned a very important life lesson –
never eat yellow sand.
Fueled by a long-repressed passion for sculpting, I finally
gave in to my creative side and began sculpting Wax What-Ifs ™. Tiny but detailed blobs of paraffin depict
Michelle Pfeiffer as a harried bus driver, Michael Jackson as a Wal-Mart
greeter, and Snooki as a tolerable human being.
August
The new school year began, and I found myself in a new
district, at a new school, with new colleagues and new students. On the downside, it’s a 45-60 minute commute
to work. On the upside, the district’s
theme is superheroes, and I was asked to dress as Batman for the
convocation. Win.
One week before school began, I received a call from
Jeopardy inviting me to participate in the Teachers Tournament. My new students seemed very impressed when I
told them, but also confused by my teaching style of explaining everything in
the form of a question.
After seeing Miley Cyrus do her thing on the Video Music
Awards, I decided to try my hand (and my butt) at twerking. I woke up 26 hours later in the Emergency
Room with 3 bruised ribs, a shattered kneecap, and a sprained taint.
September
Tamara became a consultant with an online jewelry company
called Chloe and Isabel. She enjoys it
quite a bit, and from all accounts, Chloe is an absolute sweetheart, though
Isabel can be quite the hard-drinking, rageaholic biz-nitch.
Not even a year and a half old yet, Andrew began the road
towards his PhD, attending Mother’s Day Out preschool one day a week. He looked so very proud walking around the
house with his new backpack and lunchbox.
The first day brought lots of tears, none of them from Andrew.
Watching some old reruns of The Six Million Dollar Man
inspired me to make some cybernetic/bionic upgrades to my own body. So far, all I’ve done is strapped a tiny
flashlight to my forehead, but I’ll go ahead and unveil my new moniker – The Buck
Fifty Man.
October
2013 was my year to choose Halloween costumes, so Drew was
Yoda, and I carried him around on my shoulders as Luke Skywalker. Since Mommy knows nothing about Star Wars –
or how to take turns – Drew also got a Mad Hatter costume to go with her Alice
in Wonderland. Next year, we’ll just
combine the two, and he can be the Jedi Master Hatter.
Right before Halloween, I flew out to Hollywood to be on
Jeopardy. Incredibly, Weird Al Yankovic –
Mr. “I Lost on Jeopardy” himself – was on my flight, and that proved to be a
good omen. The next three weeks were
tough, as my students tried their hardest to learn whether I had won or not
while trying their best not to learn any math I taught them.
Christmas lights and decorations seemed to go up even
earlier than ever this year in our area.
Not to be outdone, we flooded our front yard with Valentine’s Day signs
and memorabilia. In addition, I wrote
several articles for the local papers decrying the War on St. Patrick’s Day.
November
My Jeopardy tournament episodes finally aired, and I no
longer had to keep the results secret. I
won, I got $100,000, and Alex Trebek is deathly afraid of cinnamon. Nearly all of the prize money went towards
paying off my bookie for some ill-advised but costly youth badminton wagers.
We spent Thanksgiving down south with Tamara’s parents, and
Andrew once again entertained us all by acting like a turkey. Before we came home, we had our family
pictures taken down by the river. It
seemed to be a popular day for shooting – not just pictures – because we heard
lots of nearby rifle fire the whole time.
At the request of some neighbors, we watched over their pet
pig and pet turtle. Just for fun from a
genetics point of view, I thought it would be interesting to see what would
happen if we crossed the pig and the turtle.
The result: dead pig and turtle.
December
Tamara flew to New York for a jewelry party over the first
weekend in December, and that weekend we had a major ice storm here in the
Dallas area. Drew and I stayed warm at
my parents’ house while schools were closed, but Tamara had to fight to get
home as flights were canceled. She
finally hitched a cross-country ride with a van full of wandering
bobsled/piccolo/guacamole enthusiasts.
To get him in the holiday spirit, Tamara took Drew to see
multiple Santas over the weeks leading up to Christmas. Drew’s reaction varied from uninterested to pissed
off. On Christmas Day itself, Drew
seemed much more interested in Daddy’s iPhone than in his own brand new
presents.
To close out the year, I splurged with a bit of my newfound
Jeopardy money and bought myself a new car.
I was looking for either a time-traveling Delorean or a flying George Jetson-like
space car, but I wound up settling for a new Toyota Corolla. I’m confident that with a few minor upgrades,
I’ll have it flying and time jumping within a few weeks.
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